Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Duggars Hit 20, Say Why Stop Now?

Michelle Duggar and her husband Jim Bob are expecting their 20th child.

Not a typo. That’s TWO-ZERO, as in TWENTY, or about a baker’s dozen more than anyone with even a shred of sanity would bring into this world. I guess if this sort of thing was going to happen, it’s strangely reassuring that someone named Jim Bob is at the center of it.

"We are so excited," says Michelle Duggar. Now three and a half months pregnant, the mom of 19 says she was actually surprised to discover that she's expecting again at 45. "I was not thinking that God would give us another one, and we are just so grateful."

Wait, let me get this straight. Did you just say that God is the father of baby number 20? Wow, I bet your husband’s pretty pissed. Also, who knew God was into frumpy 45-year old housewives?

The super-sized family stars in its own reality TV show, “19 Kids and Counting.”

Using reality TV to fund your own personal freak show? It’s the “new” American dream.

Michelle Duggar’s last pregnancy was fraught with danger. She suffered from gall-bladder problems as well as preeclampsia. In order to save her life, doctors delivered daughter Josie three and a half months prematurely – she weighed only one pound, six ounces at birth, and endured a series of health emergencies, including a perforated bowel. Josie eventually went home with the rest of the Duggar family, and is now a healthy toddler who will celebrate her second birthday in December.

Yes, this is why old ladies should spend their time backing up golf courses, not getting knocked up.

“The precious life that we see here is not a coincidence,” Michelle Duggar said last summer referring to baby number 19. “I just know that it is a miracle. I don’t take that for granted. I know that God is the one who gives life, and I’m just so grateful and thankful. We would welcome another if He saw fit, but we’ll wait and see.”

I don’t mean to rain on your miracle parade, Michelle, but when two people have unprotected sex there’s this thing called pregnancy that occasionally occurs. No intervention from God required – just an egg and a sperm. Did you not go to 5th grade?

Michelle said that she's over her first-trimester morning sickness, has been indulging her cravings for dill pickles, and is feeling great. She said her doctors have given her the green light for this pregnancy, and so far she hasn't had any health worries. For the past year, she said, she's been working out five or six days a week: "I'm really in better shape than I've been in 20 years."

Except for her vagina – it looks like two jelly fish having a fight.

The Duggars' 19 children, who range in age from 23 years to 23 months, are: Joshua, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer, Jordyn-Grace, and Josie.

Jinger, Josiah, and Jedidiah are like, what the f*ck mom and dad? Bad enough you brought us into this freak show in the first place, but then you had handicap us with f*cked up name like this? Why do you hate us so much?

The kids thought family patriarch Jim Bob was joking when he broke the news that they would have a new brother or sister, Michelle said. They lined the family up on the staircase for a photo, she recalled, and Jim Bob said, "Smile -- Mom's going to have another baby!"

Several of the older children were reportedly heard saying, “you’ve got to be f*cking kidding me.” Or at least that’s what they were thinking.

"Their mouths dropped," Michelle said, laughing at the memory. "They all looked at me to see if he was joking."

Unfortunately not joking.

Jim Bob said that he's thrilled for their 20th child. "Michelle and I both feel like some of the most blessed parents in the world. Our children are so sweet... we are so grateful to God." And, he adds, "We didn't want to stop on an odd number."

Of course not, because that would be just crazy.

No comments: