Friday, December 16, 2011

Observations From The Treadmill

F*ck I hate running on the treadmill. I mean REALLY hate it. I’d rather do ANY other cardio exercise besides the treadmill, but since they’ve over-sold this place like a Mexican timeshare, it’s the only machine currently unoccupied by a wide body. Damn it.

As long as I’m stuck here running in place going absolutely nowhere, I might as well see what’s new on Facebook: Oh look one of my “friend’s” just made an insightful post about the precarious nature of life, and how important it is to live every day to the fullest, blah blah blah. And there’s another “friend” bragging on and on about their prized offspring, God’s gift to education and sports and macaroni wall art, blah blah blah. Then there’s that “friend” who I allegedly went to high school with (but don’t even remotely remember) getting all religious again – give it a rest, Jesus. Maybe I should write a post about the 10 most annoying things people do on Facebook? Wait, I already did that (January 28, 2011).

Hold on, is this dude in front of me f*cking serious with those shorts? I wish I could snap a picture so you could see what I’m seeing right now. But given that this place is as crowded as Walmart on Black Friday, the risk of getting caught is too high. I shit you not - they’re so damn short I think I can see one of his balls hanging out the bottom. Dude – you’re disgusting. Cover that shit up. There are so many freaks in this place, maybe I should write a post about the creepiest adult behaviors. Shit, I already did that too (May 31, 2011).

If I can’t come up with any new material perhaps that means I’ve been writing this blog for too long… Nah, I’m just getting warmed up.

I recently found out that my Dad’s biological father was not the man he called Dad. Apparently his Mom was involved in a scandalous extramarital affair which resulted in the birth of my Pops. The man she was involved with happened to be Jewish. Which would make that man’s biological grandson (me)… a 1/4 Jew (the secret’s out). It’s funny, I had quite a few Jewish friends growing up and attended more than my fair share of Bar and Bat Mitzvah’s. I always felt like I was one of their favorite Gentiles and now I know why – I was one of you the whole time! Ever since I received this news I’ve been especially sensitive to the plight of the Jews and in particular negative Jewish stereotypes. The most prevalent of these stereotypes, as everyone knows, is that Jews are greedy, nit-picky, stingy misers. Allow me to set the record straight once and for all. Having been 1/4 Jewish for 38 years now (albeit unknowingly) I feel completely comfortable making this statement on behalf of Jews everywhere: We are not cheap. It’s just that we have more money than you and would like to keep it that way. See the difference? Shalom.

Hey, there’s Quinton “Rampage” Jackson and his entourage. I see that dude here all the time and he’s always rolling with at least 3 or 4 other scary looking dudes. Note to self: avoid making eye contact with these cats at all times. Reminds me of my days back at Emerald Junior High in the El Cajon valley: keep your head down and stay off the radar and hopefully they’ll kick someone else’s ass (chubby white kids have no business going to junior high in the hood) - I digress. Looking at Rampage and his freshly blackened eye (sparring accident?), I can’t help but wonder why on God’s green earth anyone would want to participate in UFC fighting. I’ve been hit in the face before and it f*cking hurts. Here’s another question. Two of the dudes in Jackson’s posse are built like washing machines. Why do most really short guys (f*ck you – I’m 5’9” AND a ¼ - I’m not talking about me) feel the need to overcompensate by getting all buffed out? You’re only exacerbating the problem, tattoo. God he was adorable.

Sorry I’m jumping around here but I have the attention span of a gnat. Let’s see what’s on Sportscenter. What a surprise, another story on Tim Tebow. What the f*ck? Allow me to let you all in on a little secret: Tebow SUCKS! And if I hear one more person compare him to John Elway I’m coming over the table a la Chris errr Jim Everett on the Jim Rome show (remember that gem?).

Seriously though, on passes of 10 or more yards downfield Tebow’s career completion percentage is less than 25%. What do you call a quarterback who completes just 1 out of every 4 passes to his wide receivers? That would be a running back. I’m not saying the guy’s not a great athlete because he is. And he should absolutely be on the field. Just put him at halfback, or put him in the slot, shit - put him ANYWHERE but under center. Because what he’s doing out there right now is an abomination of the quarterback position. And by the way, “the Lord works in mysterious ways,” does NOT apply to Tebow and the Broncos squeaking out wins against shit teams every week. So please stop making religious references. Stop. I’ll tell you what, if the Broncos aren’t one and done in the playoffs (if they even make the playoffs that is), I’ll put a picture of myself “Tebowing” on this blog.

Wait, a recumbent bike just opened up – I’m outta here. Happy Friday everyone.

The Quinsey Blog

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