Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Have You Ever...

Have you ever noticed that Gabourey Sidibe (chick from “Precious”) is so fat, that even her eyelids are fat? She’s like one jelly doughnut from literally exploding a la Mr. Creosote in Monty Python’s “The Meaning of Life”. But Gabourey, it’s only wafer thin. Ever heard of salad?

Have you ever seen the infomercial for the Forever Lazy blanket pajamas? They’ve got zippered hatches in the back in case you need to take a shit. Are they f*cking serious? Just $19.95 and you couldn’t look like a bigger asshole if you tried.

Have you ever witnessed the excitement of a motorcycle cop after he's nabbed somebody for speeding with a radar gun? He jumps out of his hiding spot and bounces up and down like a kid on Christmas morning, “Ha ha, I got you, I got you.” He gets to experience the joy of being one ticket closer to his quota, while your day is completely ruined. Bastard.

Have you ever wondered why dogs get in such a ridiculous pose when they’re taking a shit? Whenever my golden retriever’s taking care of business I have to look the other way out of embarrassment. Kind of reminds me of the movie “Crouching Tiger, Pinching Dragon”. I’m sorry you had to see this.

Have you ever thought about what happened to the standard issue teacher uniforms of the 70’s and 80’s (polyester teacher pants w/ short-sleeved floral tops)? I don’t ever remember any of my teachers wearing anything else. Teachers today are so hip they’re going to put JC Penny out of business.

Have you ever wanted to pick up a little person and rock them like a baby? What? Don’t judge me, it’s totally normal.

Have you ever pictured what the bastard love child of Jabba the Hutt and Princess Leia might look like? Well, you don’t have to picture it anymore, she lives right here in Orange County. Photo courtesy of my buddy, Robert Hawkesby.

Have you ever felt like punching someone in the face just because?

Happy New Year from the Quinsey Blog!

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