Tuesday, January 17, 2012

If You Give a Candidate a Nomination

If you have kids you’ve no doubt read the book, “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie”, by Laura Joffe Numeroff. It’s a cleverly written account of the chain of events kicked off by the seemingly benign act of giving a cookie to a mouse. I thought it would be fun to apply this same format to the American political process to debunk its complexity and illustrate just how simple it really is. I call it, “If You Give a Candidate a Nomination.”

If you give a candidate a nomination

He’s going to ask for campaign contributions.

When you give him the contributions, he’ll probably ask for more (because campaigns ain’t cheap you know).

When he’s used up all of the private money, he’ll go to the corporations to solicit even larger donations.

Then he will inevitably go to the special interest groups because everyone knows that’s where the real money is.

When he takes the special interest group money, he will essentially become a puppet on a string. And he won’t dare do anything to upset the machine that’s funding his very livelihood.

When he has more campaign money than the GDP of most small countries in South America, he’ll run campaign ads attacking his opponent. He’ll run so many ads that the public will start to view his propaganda as fact.

When he’s done trashing his opponent, he’ll hope no one even notices how ridiculously under qualified he is himself. You will see him on TV in expensive suits reciting speeches written by people way smarter than him. He’ll make a bunch of empty promises that sound too good to be true, but celebrities will endorse him and who knows what’s best for the public better than wealthy celebrities?

He’ll probably get far enough ahead in the polls that his ego will begin to grow disproportionately to his intelligence. When this happens he’ll start to believe he can actually make a difference once elected. He’ll tell everyone it’s a good thing he’s a Washington outsider, and voters will buy in.

He’ll become president. When he becomes president, he’ll think to himself, “Oh shit, what the f*ck do I do now?”

Then he’ll spend the next 4 years playing golf and working on his memoire. Which means… he won’t do any of the things he promised during his campaign.

He’ll enjoy being president so much that he’ll completely abandon the convictions he originally brought into office. Instead he’ll just do whatever the special interest groups tell him to do. Thinking about how dope it is to be president will remind him that his term is almost over so… he’ll ask for more campaign contributions.

And chances are if he asks for more campaign contributions, he’s going to collect enough money to get re-elected.

…and the goat rodeo will continue for at least another 4 years.

Original text from “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie”:

If you give a mouse a cookie

He’s going to ask for a glass of milk.

When you give him the milk, he’ll probably ask you for a straw.

When he’s finished, he’ll ask for a napkin.

Then he will want to look in a mirror to make sure he doesn’t have a milk mustache.

When he looks into the mirror, he might notice his hair needs a trim. So he will probably ask for a pair of nail scissors.

When he’s finished giving himself a trim, he’ll want a broom to sweep up. He’ll start sweeping. He might get carried away and sweep every room in the house. He may even end up washing the floors as well!

When he’s done, he’ll probably want to take a nap. You will have to fix a little box for him with a blanket and a pillow. He’ll crawl in, make himself comfortable and fluff the pillow a few times.

He’ll probably ask you to read him a story. So you’ll read him one from one of your books, and he’ll ask to see the pictures. When he looks at the pictures, he’ll get so excited he’ll want to draw one of his own. He’ll ask for paper and crayons.

He’ll draw a picture. When the picture is finished, he’ll want to sign his name with a pen.

Then he’ll want to hang his picture on your refrigerator. Which means he will need…scotch tape.

He’ll hang up his drawing and stand back to look at it. Looking at the refrigerator will remind him that he’s thirsty so…he’ll ask for a glass of milk.

And chances are if he asks for a glass of milk, he’s going to want a cookie to go with it.

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