Monday, January 16, 2012

Is This Omaha? No, It's Disneyland.



I’d never been to Disneyland in January, which is strange considering we’ve had annual passes for over a decade now, but that all changed this past weekend. We had a Sunday free of commitments (which is rare in our household) so we decided to pay a visit to the “happiest place on earth” and well, color me disgusted. January is traditionally the least busy month at Disneyland. Perhaps this results in cheaper airfare, cheaper hotels, and cheaper admission to the park, which in turn drives higher attendance from the lower class (aka the red states). Or perhaps the hillbillies make a killing on Holiday moonshine sales, and therefore have more money for vacations this time of year. Whatever the case may be while entering Disneyland this past Sunday, I felt like we passed through a wormhole directly into middle America. My wife and kids paid no attention to our fellow park-goers and simply enjoyed the Disneyland experience, but I on the other hand was so completely enamored by the cretins that I couldn’t look away. What follows is a list of observations I captured while reveling in their oddity.

• One word: JORTS. Jorts of all sizes, shapes, and varieties. Jorts as far as the eye could see. Store bought jorts, homemade jorts (my favorite), even jorts teamed with fanny packs. Question – where the hell can you even buy a fanny pack short of time-traveling back to the 80’s and buying one there? I shit you not, I saw no less than a dozen dudes wearing fanny packs over jorts. Based on the sample group I observed, I’m guessing Walmart could easily take their market cap from $204 billion to $206 billion if they simply started carrying jorts and fanny packs in their red state locations. You can thank me later, Walton family.

• Fat people in motorized wheelchairs and not because they’re handicapped, but because they’re too lazy and fat to walk. (insert best southern drawl here) “Hey Bessy, look what Obamacare bought me, and I didn’t even vote for the guy… sucker. Let me just slap a confederate flag sticker here on the back and she’ll be good to go.”

• Kids on leashes. You might think it’s an animal because of its egregious misbehavior, but it is in fact your child. Fail.

• Colored overalls w/ matching plaid shirts. Until last Sunday I had no idea overalls came in any other color besides denim. And the cherry on top? Brightly colored NASCAR hats of course (but not Jeff Gordon because he’s from California and everyone knows only queers come from California).

• Honey-mooners (who look a little too much alike – wink, wink) in stupid, wedding-themed Mickey Mouse ears. Not a good look even when you have all your teeth.

• Pony tail mullets. Business in the front, shit-kickin, line-dancin party in the back. Yee haw.

• University of Nebraska gear. Hmmm, are the Huskers in town for a bowl game? No, then what the f*ck?

• Excessive smoking. Hello, even the Euros were offended by your blatant disregard for the designated smoking areas.

• Enough outside food to feed the entire population of Haiti. It was like a giant white trash picnic. Let me get this straight, you spent $500 bucks to get your family into the park but a $5 burger just seemed exorbitant?

• Inappropriately sized women’s clothing. How do you fit 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag? Ask the chicks I saw at Disneyland last Sunday. Gross.

Conclusion: If you’re looking for entertainment I HIGHLY recommend a trip to the magic kingdom in January. It’s like paying admission to Disneyland and getting the zoo for free.

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