Monday, February 20, 2012

What's Worse?

Let’s play a fun game I like to call “What’s Worse”? Feel free to leave a comment adding to the thread.

What’s Worse?

Dudes who grunt loudly while lifting weights at the gym, or the spotters who cheer them on emphatically?  Meathead meet douche bag.  Douche bag meet meathead.

A young man who thinks that lighting a cigarette on the stove top is a good idea (I’ve witnessed this first hand), or an old lady without eyebrows who instead paints them on (unevenly) with make-up.  It’s a toss-up, but at the end of the day neither have eyebrows so they both fail.

Fat people who talk about how healthy they eat (liars), or people who say they’re happy being fat (even bigger liars)?

Creepy old guys with young Asian girlfriends (why do I see this so often?), or creepy old guys who are completely comfortable walking around buck naked in the gym locker room?  Ladies, how do you get past those saggy old guy balls? Seriously?

“Replying to all” with no consideration whatsoever if it’s appropriate or necessary to do so, or the excessive use of abstract acronyms (ROFL, SMH, TTFN)?  What the f*ck do these even mean?

Shameless Facebook status updates to make your “friends” jealous, or shirtless profile pic’s to make your “friends” even more jealous? (guilty and guiltier)

The B-52’s, Michael Buble, or Maroon 5?  I know I shouldn’t drive angry, but whenever their songs come on the radio it takes every fiber of my being to hold back the rage (All the moves like Jagger, I’ve got the moves like Jagger, I’ve got the moo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hooves like Jagger… AHHHHHHH!)

Racial ambulance chaser, Al Sharpton, or feminist ambulance chaser, Gloria Allred?  If they ever got in a boat together I’d pay for the cement to sink it to the bottom of the ocean.

Boston accent or Southern drawl?  I’ll take nails on a chalkboard or shovel scraping against a rock, thank you very much.

Chain smoking Euros or pot smoking hippies?  Depends on who’s squatting / protesting in the park.

Forty-something soul patch guy or forty-something Affliction t-shirt guy?  Throw in forty-something skinny jeans guy and you’ve got a douche-fecta.

Old people who can’t figure out the Southwest Airlines boarding process, or the asshole holding ticket A30 who insists on standing in front of you even though you’re clearly displaying A26 on your ticket?  Not sure which is worse, but pretty sure one’s getting punched in the face.

Guy out looking for a fight or guy out looking for a karaoke bar?  Can I punch the second guy instead?

People who eat organic food because they think it’s better for you than regular food, or people who don’t drink alcohol because they think it’s bad for your liver?  Hello, haven’t you ever heard the saying, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?”

Blue tooth walking through the mall guy or blue tooth sitting in a restaurant guy?  Nobody’s that important dude – take that shit off your ear – you look like an asshole.

And finally…

Vanilla blogs that never dare post content which might be deemed offensive or inappropriate, or awesome blogs that consistently offend those who lack a heightened sense of humor with inappropriate yet honest content?  I think you already know the answer to this one.

Happy President’s Day everyone.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Send in the Clowns

I keep telling myself that the current crop of GOP candidates is like beer. The first time I tried it I thought it was disgusting, but over time I’ve learned to love it. Just like the icy malt beverage that I enjoy so much, at some point one of these candidates has got to win me over, right? Well, the more I watch the debates, listen to their speeches, and hear their interviews on CNN, the more I become convinced that my theory is all wrong. What follows is my ode to the 2012 GOP Primary entitled: “Send in the Clowns” (if we didn’t laugh about it we might have to cry)

Send in the Clowns

Mitt Romney the front runner gets most of the votes
But he says stupid shit that the media quotes
With regards to the poor he couldn’t care less
His personal tax rate (15%) he will not address
His religious beliefs create political drama
His fiscal ideas are too much like Obama

The best of the bunch is probably Newt
He’s intelligent, logical, politically astute
But to say that he’s polarizing would be putting it lightly
He’s pompous and arrogant, his appearance unsightly
He cheated on wife number one and on two
He’s polling around zero in the states that are blue

Santorum joined the race and made a big splash
But his campaign is doomed, he don’t have enough cash
His views are extreme, if he had his way
He’d make it illegal for you to be gay
He believes that the “War on Terror” is legit
Which leads me to believe that he don’t know shit

Last but not least there’s the side show Ron Paul
He’s diminutive, miniature, tiny, not tall
I feel like he already ran years ago
But the last time around (1992) his name was Perot
His ideas make sense but he’s hardly electable
Libertarian or crazy? It’s barely detectable

As a life-long conservative it brings me much pain
By criticizing my own party I’ve nothing to gain
But we’ve reached a point where I simply don’t care
If this is the best we can do let’s be fair
When the traveling circus hits your cities and towns
Cue the band, play it loud, “Send in the Clowns”