Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Great Idea for a New Reality Show

During a recent brainstorm session I came up with a terrific idea for a new reality show. I just hope the right executive producer somehow gets a hold of this post so that my idea can be transmitted to the masses via the reality TV airwaves. Here’s my pitch:

Start out with the biggest, most narcissistic douche bag you can find. Said douche bag must possess the following qualities: below average intelligence, above average looks (although stupid hair is just fine), and at least the illusion of financial prosperity. Dreamy, brooding eyes are a plus. No actual talent whatsoever is required.

Mix in 25 of the most vacuous, morally devoid gold-diggers you can find. Qualified candidates will exhibit the following traits: the conscience of a career politician, the self esteem of a stripper, and the judgment of a drunken sailor. Pre-existing internet sex tapes are a plus. Just like their male counterpart, no real talent whatsoever is required (it’s actually discouraged).

Next step put the douche bag and the gold-diggers in a house together, and let calamity ensue. To provide structure (and make things even more interesting inside the house) make the gold-diggers compete against one another for the affection of the douche bag using any means necessary (up to and including lewd sexual acts, ESPECIALLY lewd sexual acts). At the end of each week make the douche bag vote off the weakest member/s of the herd during a suspense-filled ceremony. Tell him to eliminate the gold-diggers he feels he is least compatible with, knowing full well he’ll completely ignore your advice and instead eliminate: a) the gold-diggers he’s already banged and was not impressed with, and b) the ones he has no interest in banging in the first place (aka the chubby ones).

To keep things fresh introduce an ill-conceived twist into each episode such as a group date or double date, as this will really intensify the cattiness amongst the gold-diggers and let’s face it, make for better television. Oh yeah, and I almost forgot the most important part: NEVER shoot a scene without first socially lubricating the cast with the appropriate amount of alcohol (which would be an inappropriate amount for any normal person). This will result in wondrous things such as: cat fights (meow), the previously aforementioned lewd sexual acts, and most importantly gratuitous nude shots.

To get people to tune in tell the audience that at the end of the series the douche bag will ultimately propose marriage to the sluttiest, biggest back-stabbing gold-digger of them all, knowing full well that the only reason the douche bag ever agreed to do the show in the first place was to have sex with 25 random women (minus the token chubby ones of course), and has no intention whatsoever of dating, let alone proposing marriage to any of those miserable hose bags.

When things start to get stale around season 15, insert a gold-digging villain to add drama to the show. Make her the evilest, most manipulative bitch you can find but be sure to give her a rockin body so the douche bag has no choice but to pick her (the viewing public loves nothing more than a bitchy villain to direct hate and scorn at).

And finally, here’s the kicker: Bring back the entire cast for a reunion show (with a cheesy, over-the-top host) where you’ll roll embarrassing footage from the previous season, let the cast members respond to the footage / attempt to defend their deplorable behavior, and then reveal to everyone that the whole thing was just a big hoax. Everyone will learn that the douche bag is actually just an unemployed college student who still lives with his parents, and the gold-digger he’s chosen is really just a struggling actress / prostitute who is in fact ten years older than what she wrote on her application.

Once the cast members have been thoroughly shamed and their whorish ways documented for all the world to see, they’ll have no chance of ever finding a spouse in the real world. Therefore you’ll be able to re-cast them in any number of ridiculous spin-offs you can dream up, and the cycle of humiliation will never have to end. How f*cking brilliant is that? Once this idea gets picked up I’m so going to make millions!

God bless America and its countless hordes of shit-eating reality TV fans.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Weekend At Bernie’s – Not Nearly As Cool In Real Life

Two men who admitted to driving around Denver with their dead friend's corpse and using the dead man's debit card to fund a night at a strip club, were sentenced on Thursday to probation, prosecutors said. Robert Young, 43, and Mark Rubinson, 25, both pleaded guilty to misdemeanor charges of abusing the corpse of Jeffrey Jarrett last August, the Denver District Attorney's Office said in a release. Young also pleaded guilty to felony identity theft for using Jarrett's debit card. Neither man was accused of killing Jarrett, who died at 43 from a lethal combination of drugs and alcohol, Lynn Kimbrough, spokeswoman for the District Attorney's Office told Reuters.

My absolute favorite part of this story is the look on Young’s face in his mug shot. He’s like, “What? You mean it was wrong to drive around with our buddy’s dead body in the back of the car and then use his debit card to pay for lap dances?”

Under the plea agreement, Young was given a two-year deferred sentence and must undergo "mental health evaluation and treatment, substance abuse assessment and treatment, and cognitive behavioral therapy," the release said. He also must submit to random drug and alcohol testing, perform 50 hours of community service, and pay $1,289.56 in restitution, in addition to maintaining full-time employment. Rubinson was given a one-year suspended sentence and was ordered to the same drug and alcohol monitoring, therapy and work conditions, and to perform 200 hours of community service.

$1289.56 in restitution? What, were they tipping those poor girls in coins? As if being a stripper isn't already demeaning enough? "Break out the nickels and dimes, Mark. It’s time to make it rain up in here."

Prosecutors said Young and Rubinson found Jarrett unresponsive at the Denver home Young and Jarrett shared, and instead of calling 911 they put the dead man in the back seat of Rubinson’s SUV and went for a ride, local television station KWGN reported. Police said that the men ate at Viva Burrito restaurant and fueled up Rubinson's SUV at a convenience store all paid for with Jarrett's debit card, KWGN also reported. The men then unloaded Jarrett's body back at his house and visited Shotgun Willie's, a popular Denver-area strip club where they withdrew $400 at an ATM from Jarrett's account, it said. Only after leaving the club did the men call the police to report Jarrett's death.

Can’t you just imagine the dialogue that took place between these two half-wits:

“JJ, wake up man. We’re going out for burritos and strippers.”

“Dude, I think he’s dead.”

“Shit, I think you’re right.”

“Should we call the cops?”

“Nah, put him in the back of the car and let’s go anyway. It’ll be just like that movie, ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’. That movie rocked, man.”

“Yeah, ha ha. Let’s put a funny hat on him too. This is gonna be epic.”

Why those geniuses went back to the house to unload his corpse prior to visiting “Shotgun Willie’s” is something we can only surmise about.

This story makes me recall the infamous line from the movie, “Forest Gump”:

“Momma always said stupid is as stupid does.”

Yes, yes indeed.

Monday, March 5, 2012

The Best Places To Live If You Want To Hate Your Life

If you want to be completely f*cking miserable, live in the South. At least, that’s what the recent Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index shows. The annual index measures six areas of well-being, including life evaluation, physical health and work environment. On top of calculating an overall national level of well-being, the index also calculates the well-being for each state, assigning scores from 0 to 100, with 100 representing ideal well-being. The national score dropped slightly in 2011 to 66.2 from 66.8 in 2010. Like the national score, the best-off and worst-off states are largely unchanged.

So what are the measures that impact well-being, you might be asking yourself. Well, it’s not rocket science people. Most of the states where people report having the lowest levels of well-being suffer from the same financial, health and social ills. Commonalities in the shittiest places to live include: low median household incomes, high rates of poverty, and relatively low levels of education. Hmmm, are you sensing a trend here? Perhaps the most common shared factor among the states that report the lowest well-being is poor health. Low life expectancy, high rates of obesity, and high rates of smoking top the charts in the shittiest places to live. Rates of heart disease, cancer and diabetes are also all particularly high. Wait – does that mean that smoking two packs a day and being a fat sack of lard leads to things like heart disease, cancer, and diabetes? No shit.

According to Gallup, states in some areas of the country continue to do better than others. Of the 10 states with the highest levels of well-being, nine are either in the West or Midwest. Of the 10 states with the lowest well-being scores, five (including the top three) are located in the South -- a reality since the survey began. Now there’s a shocker, y’all.

Without further ado what follows are the top three U.S. states to live in if you want to be completely f*cking miserable for the rest of your life:

#3 - Mississippi

• Well-being index score: 63.4
• Life expectancy: 74.8 (the lowest)
• Obesity: 34.0 percent (the highest)
• Highest Obesity Rate + Lowest Life Expectancy = Suicide by Fast Food (who knew McDonald’s would eventually become an integral part of the evolutionary process?)
• Median household income: $36,851 (the lowest)
• Adult population with high school diploma or higher: 81.0 percent (3rd lowest)

#2 - Kentucky

• Well-being index score: 63.3
• Life expectancy: 76.2 (7th lowest)
• Obesity: 31.3 percent (5th highest)
• Median household income: $40,062 (4th lowest)
• Adult population with high school diploma or higher: 81.9 percent (5th lowest)

And drum roll please…

#1 - West Virginia

• Well-being index score: 62.3
• Life expectancy: 75.2 (2nd lowest)
• Obesity: 32.5 percent (2nd highest)
• Median household income: $38,218 (2nd lowest)
• Adult population with high school diploma or higher: 83.2 percent (8th lowest)

Congratulations West Virginia, not technically part of the deep South, but still a festering wasteland of unhappiness nonetheless.