Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Great Idea for a New Reality Show
During a recent brainstorm session I came up with a terrific idea for a new reality show. I just hope the right executive producer somehow gets a hold of this post so that my idea can be transmitted to the masses via the reality TV airwaves. Here’s my pitch:
Start out with the biggest, most narcissistic douche bag you can find. Said douche bag must possess the following qualities: below average intelligence, above average looks (although stupid hair is just fine), and at least the illusion of financial prosperity. Dreamy, brooding eyes are a plus. No actual talent whatsoever is required.
Mix in 25 of the most vacuous, morally devoid gold-diggers you can find. Qualified candidates will exhibit the following traits: the conscience of a career politician, the self esteem of a stripper, and the judgment of a drunken sailor. Pre-existing internet sex tapes are a plus. Just like their male counterpart, no real talent whatsoever is required (it’s actually discouraged).
Next step put the douche bag and the gold-diggers in a house together, and let calamity ensue. To provide structure (and make things even more interesting inside the house) make the gold-diggers compete against one another for the affection of the douche bag using any means necessary (up to and including lewd sexual acts, ESPECIALLY lewd sexual acts). At the end of each week make the douche bag vote off the weakest member/s of the herd during a suspense-filled ceremony. Tell him to eliminate the gold-diggers he feels he is least compatible with, knowing full well he’ll completely ignore your advice and instead eliminate: a) the gold-diggers he’s already banged and was not impressed with, and b) the ones he has no interest in banging in the first place (aka the chubby ones).
To keep things fresh introduce an ill-conceived twist into each episode such as a group date or double date, as this will really intensify the cattiness amongst the gold-diggers and let’s face it, make for better television. Oh yeah, and I almost forgot the most important part: NEVER shoot a scene without first socially lubricating the cast with the appropriate amount of alcohol (which would be an inappropriate amount for any normal person). This will result in wondrous things such as: cat fights (meow), the previously aforementioned lewd sexual acts, and most importantly gratuitous nude shots.
To get people to tune in tell the audience that at the end of the series the douche bag will ultimately propose marriage to the sluttiest, biggest back-stabbing gold-digger of them all, knowing full well that the only reason the douche bag ever agreed to do the show in the first place was to have sex with 25 random women (minus the token chubby ones of course), and has no intention whatsoever of dating, let alone proposing marriage to any of those miserable hose bags.
When things start to get stale around season 15, insert a gold-digging villain to add drama to the show. Make her the evilest, most manipulative bitch you can find but be sure to give her a rockin body so the douche bag has no choice but to pick her (the viewing public loves nothing more than a bitchy villain to direct hate and scorn at).
And finally, here’s the kicker: Bring back the entire cast for a reunion show (with a cheesy, over-the-top host) where you’ll roll embarrassing footage from the previous season, let the cast members respond to the footage / attempt to defend their deplorable behavior, and then reveal to everyone that the whole thing was just a big hoax. Everyone will learn that the douche bag is actually just an unemployed college student who still lives with his parents, and the gold-digger he’s chosen is really just a struggling actress / prostitute who is in fact ten years older than what she wrote on her application.
Once the cast members have been thoroughly shamed and their whorish ways documented for all the world to see, they’ll have no chance of ever finding a spouse in the real world. Therefore you’ll be able to re-cast them in any number of ridiculous spin-offs you can dream up, and the cycle of humiliation will never have to end. How f*cking brilliant is that? Once this idea gets picked up I’m so going to make millions!
God bless America and its countless hordes of shit-eating reality TV fans.