Friday, March 9, 2012

Weekend At Bernie’s – Not Nearly As Cool In Real Life

Two men who admitted to driving around Denver with their dead friend's corpse and using the dead man's debit card to fund a night at a strip club, were sentenced on Thursday to probation, prosecutors said. Robert Young, 43, and Mark Rubinson, 25, both pleaded guilty to misdemeanor charges of abusing the corpse of Jeffrey Jarrett last August, the Denver District Attorney's Office said in a release. Young also pleaded guilty to felony identity theft for using Jarrett's debit card. Neither man was accused of killing Jarrett, who died at 43 from a lethal combination of drugs and alcohol, Lynn Kimbrough, spokeswoman for the District Attorney's Office told Reuters.

My absolute favorite part of this story is the look on Young’s face in his mug shot. He’s like, “What? You mean it was wrong to drive around with our buddy’s dead body in the back of the car and then use his debit card to pay for lap dances?”

Under the plea agreement, Young was given a two-year deferred sentence and must undergo "mental health evaluation and treatment, substance abuse assessment and treatment, and cognitive behavioral therapy," the release said. He also must submit to random drug and alcohol testing, perform 50 hours of community service, and pay $1,289.56 in restitution, in addition to maintaining full-time employment. Rubinson was given a one-year suspended sentence and was ordered to the same drug and alcohol monitoring, therapy and work conditions, and to perform 200 hours of community service.

$1289.56 in restitution? What, were they tipping those poor girls in coins? As if being a stripper isn't already demeaning enough? "Break out the nickels and dimes, Mark. It’s time to make it rain up in here."

Prosecutors said Young and Rubinson found Jarrett unresponsive at the Denver home Young and Jarrett shared, and instead of calling 911 they put the dead man in the back seat of Rubinson’s SUV and went for a ride, local television station KWGN reported. Police said that the men ate at Viva Burrito restaurant and fueled up Rubinson's SUV at a convenience store all paid for with Jarrett's debit card, KWGN also reported. The men then unloaded Jarrett's body back at his house and visited Shotgun Willie's, a popular Denver-area strip club where they withdrew $400 at an ATM from Jarrett's account, it said. Only after leaving the club did the men call the police to report Jarrett's death.

Can’t you just imagine the dialogue that took place between these two half-wits:

“JJ, wake up man. We’re going out for burritos and strippers.”

“Dude, I think he’s dead.”

“Shit, I think you’re right.”

“Should we call the cops?”

“Nah, put him in the back of the car and let’s go anyway. It’ll be just like that movie, ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’. That movie rocked, man.”

“Yeah, ha ha. Let’s put a funny hat on him too. This is gonna be epic.”

Why those geniuses went back to the house to unload his corpse prior to visiting “Shotgun Willie’s” is something we can only surmise about.

This story makes me recall the infamous line from the movie, “Forest Gump”:

“Momma always said stupid is as stupid does.”

Yes, yes indeed.

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