Friday, April 20, 2012

Confessions of a Closet Metrosexual

 

I watch the Food Network regularly and enjoy cooking. I find gardening to be therapeutic. I work out every day, watch what I eat, and take pride in my physical appearance. I’ve been known to occasionally watch “Grey’s Anatomy” and “Glee”. I own a 5 pound shih tzu who I say belongs to the kids, but is really mine. I prefer white wine to red. I’ve never changed my own oil or put on a spare tire. I eat chicken wings with a fork and knife, and I blot the grease off my pizza. I sometimes (always) shave my chest. My own wife loves to tease me and say if I wasn’t married to her she might have to question my sexuality. I realize I’ve just lost the respect of at least half of my readership, but full disclosure was necessary to make the point which I’ll eventually get to.

To prove my manhood and illustrate my keen understanding of how the manly mind works, I’ve put together a check list of 10 things a real man would never say:

1) Tell me how you feel about that.

2) I’ve decided to give up drinking.

3) Can I get my dressing on the side, please?

4) I’m too tired for sex tonight.

5) What time does “American Idol” come on?

6) I’ll go with the veggie burger.

7) What’s the thread count on those sheets?

8) I’m just going to pull over and ask for directions.

9) That’s a good color on you.

10) Is this the new Katy Perry song?

Wait. I’ve said 7 of those very things in the past week alone. Shit, now I’m confused. What was the point I was trying to make again?

Seacrest, outed.

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