Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Cat Shit and Retards


Adam Carolla once said, “The world is a snow globe full of cat shit and retards and someone keeps shaking it.” I can’t tell you how often I’m reminded of this statement in my daily life. A good example came just yesterday. I received the following e-mail from a new employee recently hired by the company I work for. Bear in mind yesterday was his VERY first day on the job. And he sent this e-mail to the ENTIRE company (company name changed to protect the innocent).

Company XYZ Team,

I am very excited to join Company XYZ. I look forward to meeting everyone later this month in San Jose. I will also be contacting individuals so that I can help you with your sales strategies.

A little bit about me – I grew up in Houston and went to the University of Texas. I have a beautiful wife who is an executive at an advertising company in Austin, and we have twin boys that are almost 3 years old. We love to go boating, and I especially like wakeboarding. I play indoor soccer as well. I make some great beef jerky, so hit me up sometime (maybe I’ll bring some to the sales conference:)

Talk to you soon!

Really dude? And you sent this to the entire company? You might as well have just written: I’m a Scorpio, I enjoy long walks on the beach, and if I were a condiment I’d be guacamole… Seriously, are you starting a new job or posting your profile to a dating website? I don’t even know where to begin. At what point in that wind tunnel you call a brain did you decide that sending this e-mail to EVERY person in the company was even remotely a good idea? I’m not sure if you’re severely lacking in good judgment or if you’re just plain f*cking stupid? Either way I think I hate you. I haven’t even met you yet and I already want to punch you in the face. But I can’t wait to start working with you. And hook me up with some of that famous beef jerky, yo?

And now here I sit in the bowels of the John Wayne airport waiting to get interviewed and then collect my luggage from an empty plane that sits idle on the Tarmac. Apparently some dipshit called in a bomb threat, so after two hours of sitting on the runway surrounded by police cars and fire trucks, they decided to cancel my flight. I guess this means I'm going to be late for my 8:00 am meeting in Phoenix tomorrow morning. F*ck it.

Cat shit and retards. Shake it up.

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