Thursday, June 21, 2012

Enjoy (verb): To experience with joy; to take pleasure in.

I started doing the Beachbody “Insanity” workouts a couple weeks back.   Call me crazy but I kind of enjoy the suffering.  It makes me feel alive.  Which got me thinking of a few other strange things that I enjoy and some that I don’t:
First off viral videos of kids doing adorable shit.  Not enjoy.  Honestly, they kind of piss me off.  I must be missing that “awwww” gene.  A fat person falling off a bicycle?  Now you’re talking.
What about open mic gaffes by unscrupulous public officials (as if there’s any other kind)?  Enjoy, more than you’ll ever know.
Musicals.  Not enjoy.  Maybe if the singers were topless I wouldn’t fall asleep?  Maybe I’ve been to Vegas too much.
Being married to someone smarter than me.  Enjoy being married to her (very much).  Not enjoy losing EVERY argument to her.  My lot in life.
Sports analogies.  You just can’t use them enough, regardless of what your wife / girlfriend says.  Enjoy.
Intoxicated, smack-talking fans of opposing teams at Charger games.  Not enjoy.  If it wasn’t illegal to punch you in the face, I would have done so already.
Repeating lines from movies (especially Tommy Boy, Glengarry Glen Ross, and Wall Street).  See comment on sports analogies above.  What’s not to enjoy?
Dude at baseball game who knocks down little girl trying to catch foul ball, then celebrates like he just won the Superbowl after catching it.  Feeling punchy again.  Not enjoy.  
Awkward public confrontation.  One of life’s most under-rated hidden treasures.  Enjoy, so much.  Don’t forget the video camera.
Smart-ass, know-it-all teenagers.  Only now do I fully understand those looks of malice that were flashed my way some 20 years ago.  Not enjoy, at all.
Moral gray areas.  I actually live here, so I must enjoy them.
A fat chick in a string bikini: 

Need I say more?  You should have seen my wife while I snapped off this montage.  She was absolutely mortified.  Me?  I had a huge smile from ear to ear.  It was like I was filming a Nat Geo special documenting the bizarre mating rituals of a new, indigenous species.  Perma-joy. 
Was this entire post just a shameless excuse to publish these disturbing pictures on the web?  Yup. 
I’m such an asshole.  Good thing I enjoy myself so much.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Graduation Speech for the Class of 2012

I started this blog 4 years and 1 day ago today with my first post entitled, “Graduation Speech for the Class of 2008”. It was an insightful post full of optimistic advice and positive sentiments. 176 posts later I’ve decided to revisit this theme with, “Graduation Speech for the Class of 2012”, only this time with a slightly different twist. This world has a way of beating you down over the span of 4 years, and it’s high time our graduates got a realistic dose of what truly awaits them. Am I a smudge jaded and pessimistic? Perhaps, but I’m also God-damned honest.

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of 2012… School is finally over and you don’t have the job offer you’ve always dreamed of. Oh well, chalk it up to one more thing your generation will never experience like home ownership and social security payouts.

The national debt and unemployment rate have never been higher. Consumer confidence and national morale have never been lower. Maybe it’s not the best time to be entering the workforce, but it’s time for you to be a grown-up now, so deal with it.

For some reason your generation seems very entitled. Almost like the world owes you something. I can guarantee you of one thing right now: If you lazily wait around expecting success to find you, you’re going to fail, and fail badly (But wait, I showed up, where’s my participation trophy?). Unless of course your parents are rich. In this case sign a lucrative contract with a vacuous reality TV producer and commence blowing your inheritance on fast cars, expensive vacations, and loose women. Just be sure to leave absolutely nothing behind for future generations because, let’s face it, it’s all about you.

Now for some unsolicited advice which you’ll never listen to because, of course, you already know everything. You may have thought you were learning something while you texted and tweeted your way through high school and college, and let your parents do everything for you. Unfortunately you were not and now you don’t know shit. You’re completely ill-prepared for life in the real world, and you have your over-protective parents to thank for it. The same parents who sat in the dugout during little league games and opened your juice box for you, while your coach was actually trying to teach you something. The same parents who made you avoid peanuts like the plague, and never let you play outside unsupervised for fear that, God forbid, you might fall down and scrape your knee. The same parents who blamed your teachers when you came home with bad grades, and threatened to home school you unless the principal intervened. And the very same parents who lied to you and said that life was fair. Now you’re an idealistic pussy with an over-inflated sense of self, who can’t do a damn thing on your own. Do I have your attention yet? Where to begin?

First off don’t even bother trying to save the planet. It’s a tired act - you’re too late - the fight is futile. According to Al Gore and his cronies global warming has already been set off, and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it (like the earth has been diagnosed with a terminal illness). It’s time to go big or go home. The larger your carbon footprint the better.

Next up if you’re not already fat (you probably are because your generation is lazy) go ahead and commence operation lard ball now. Everybody else is doing it, and as everyone knows you’re a generation of followers, not leaders. Pass the butter.

After you’ve blown up like Gabourey Sidibe (Precious chick), you’re probably going to need health insurance. Oops, I forgot you don’t have a job and there’s no way you can afford private insurance. Consider a move to Canada, the health care up there’s free, eh?

Voting? Don’t even bother. Why would you when your only choices consist of dumb and dumber?

Go ahead and pre-order your Chinese Rosetta Stone software now. Based on our ridiculous debt load and their rapidly increasing stake in our economy, we’ll all be speaking Chinese at some point soon. And rich Chinese dudes don’t want their asses kissed in English.

Oh yeah, and if you choose a career with a set income (like teaching) you’re never going to feel like you’re getting paid what you’re actually worth. So a) don’t do it, or b) do it but then stop f*cking complaining about it. Maybe times have changed but when I graduated from college I don’t remember anyone putting a gun to my head forcing me into a low-paying job I didn’t want (I found that all by myself).

Once you’ve been bludgeoned over the head by reality, you’ll probably feel the need to join some stupid movement with the rest of your lazy, good-for-nothing cohorts. You’ll set up tents in the park, stop showering, and light trash cans on fire in protest of the unbalanced distribution of wealth. You showed up damn it, so where’s your f*cking trophy? Maybe you should have paid attention when your little league coach said things like, “playing time is earned not given”, “if you want to get better you’ve got to put in the work”, and “winners never quit”. But no, you were too busy getting coddled by your parents listening to them blow smoke up your ass about what a great player you were. And now it's too late. Guess what? You sucked then and you still suck now.

In summary you're pretty much f*cked. On the bright side the uniforms at In-N-Out are actually quite slimming.

I bet grad school’s sounding pretty good right about now.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Ode To Those Who Annoy Me (Everyone)


Adam Carolla recently tweeted: "Wearing Crocs is like getting a blow job from a dude. Feels great until you look down and realize you're gay." After I stopped laughing, I started thinking about the insanely annoying behaviors of other people (like wearing Crocs). What started out as a simple list soon evolved into a full blown poem (I can't help myself). Thanks once again to Adam Carolla for the inspiration. I call it:

Ode To Those Who Annoy Me (Everyone)

So many douche bags out there in the streets,
Like the youth soccer coach who shows up in cleats

The knuckle-head drivers who won't stay in their lanes,
The guy next to you who won't shut up on planes

The libertarian nut jobs who've got much to say,
The wide-bodied fatties who get in your way

If one more vegan tells me to eat organic,
I might lose my shit, and set off a panic

The old lady who writes a check while in line
The chronic complainer, want some cheese with that whine?

My insurance broker who thinks that I'm rude,
There's a reason we're cross, stop calling me, dude!

The gay music teacher who claims to be straight,
The selfish mother-f*cker who's continually late

Canadians, God-pushers, bandwagon fans,
The lady down the street who puts shit in YOUR cans

Advice givers, name droppers, one uppers too,
Any loser on welfare who threatens to sue

Dude at the gym who grunts while he lifts,
The guy in your office who always re-gifts

People who act like their dog is a human,
The guy with an accent when he says the word cumin

The entire cast of the show Jersey Shore,
Especially Snooki, that dim-witted whore

The back-handed compliment, do I find it off base?
Allow me to answer with my fist to your face

Parents who're sure that their kid's going pro,
He may only be 6, but look at him throw!

The tramps on The Bachelor looking for love,
If they stood on a cliff I'd give them a shove

Those who annoy come in all shapes and sizes,
They could be subdued or full of surprises

The one common trait they all tend to share?
About other people they simply don't care

The world is their oyster, it's all about them,
Like that freak show Tom Cruise, he's a real gem

His religion is weird, he's a bleeding heart Lib,
He went on the Today Show, called Matt Lauer glib

He may not wear Crocs, but he's certainly gay,
We've now come full circle, have a nice day.