Monday, June 11, 2012
Graduation Speech for the Class of 2012
I started this blog 4 years and 1 day ago today with my first post entitled, “Graduation Speech for the Class of 2008”. It was an insightful post full of optimistic advice and positive sentiments. 176 posts later I’ve decided to revisit this theme with, “Graduation Speech for the Class of 2012”, only this time with a slightly different twist. This world has a way of beating you down over the span of 4 years, and it’s high time our graduates got a realistic dose of what truly awaits them. Am I a smudge jaded and pessimistic? Perhaps, but I’m also God-damned honest.
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of 2012… School is finally over and you don’t have the job offer you’ve always dreamed of. Oh well, chalk it up to one more thing your generation will never experience like home ownership and social security payouts.
The national debt and unemployment rate have never been higher. Consumer confidence and national morale have never been lower. Maybe it’s not the best time to be entering the workforce, but it’s time for you to be a grown-up now, so deal with it.
For some reason your generation seems very entitled. Almost like the world owes you something. I can guarantee you of one thing right now: If you lazily wait around expecting success to find you, you’re going to fail, and fail badly (But wait, I showed up, where’s my participation trophy?). Unless of course your parents are rich. In this case sign a lucrative contract with a vacuous reality TV producer and commence blowing your inheritance on fast cars, expensive vacations, and loose women. Just be sure to leave absolutely nothing behind for future generations because, let’s face it, it’s all about you.
Now for some unsolicited advice which you’ll never listen to because, of course, you already know everything. You may have thought you were learning something while you texted and tweeted your way through high school and college, and let your parents do everything for you. Unfortunately you were not and now you don’t know shit. You’re completely ill-prepared for life in the real world, and you have your over-protective parents to thank for it. The same parents who sat in the dugout during little league games and opened your juice box for you, while your coach was actually trying to teach you something. The same parents who made you avoid peanuts like the plague, and never let you play outside unsupervised for fear that, God forbid, you might fall down and scrape your knee. The same parents who blamed your teachers when you came home with bad grades, and threatened to home school you unless the principal intervened. And the very same parents who lied to you and said that life was fair. Now you’re an idealistic pussy with an over-inflated sense of self, who can’t do a damn thing on your own. Do I have your attention yet? Where to begin?
First off don’t even bother trying to save the planet. It’s a tired act - you’re too late - the fight is futile. According to Al Gore and his cronies global warming has already been set off, and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it (like the earth has been diagnosed with a terminal illness). It’s time to go big or go home. The larger your carbon footprint the better.
Next up if you’re not already fat (you probably are because your generation is lazy) go ahead and commence operation lard ball now. Everybody else is doing it, and as everyone knows you’re a generation of followers, not leaders. Pass the butter.
After you’ve blown up like Gabourey Sidibe (Precious chick), you’re probably going to need health insurance. Oops, I forgot you don’t have a job and there’s no way you can afford private insurance. Consider a move to Canada, the health care up there’s free, eh?
Voting? Don’t even bother. Why would you when your only choices consist of dumb and dumber?
Go ahead and pre-order your Chinese Rosetta Stone software now. Based on our ridiculous debt load and their rapidly increasing stake in our economy, we’ll all be speaking Chinese at some point soon. And rich Chinese dudes don’t want their asses kissed in English.
Oh yeah, and if you choose a career with a set income (like teaching) you’re never going to feel like you’re getting paid what you’re actually worth. So a) don’t do it, or b) do it but then stop f*cking complaining about it. Maybe times have changed but when I graduated from college I don’t remember anyone putting a gun to my head forcing me into a low-paying job I didn’t want (I found that all by myself).
Once you’ve been bludgeoned over the head by reality, you’ll probably feel the need to join some stupid movement with the rest of your lazy, good-for-nothing cohorts. You’ll set up tents in the park, stop showering, and light trash cans on fire in protest of the unbalanced distribution of wealth. You showed up damn it, so where’s your f*cking trophy? Maybe you should have paid attention when your little league coach said things like, “playing time is earned not given”, “if you want to get better you’ve got to put in the work”, and “winners never quit”. But no, you were too busy getting coddled by your parents listening to them blow smoke up your ass about what a great player you were. And now it's too late. Guess what? You sucked then and you still suck now.
In summary you're pretty much f*cked. On the bright side the uniforms at In-N-Out are actually quite slimming.
I bet grad school’s sounding pretty good right about now.