Adam Carolla recently tweeted: "Wearing Crocs is like getting a blow job from a dude. Feels great until you look down and realize you're gay." After I stopped laughing, I started thinking about the insanely annoying behaviors of other people (like wearing Crocs). What started out as a simple list soon evolved into a full blown poem (I can't help myself). Thanks once again to Adam Carolla for the inspiration. I call it:
Ode To Those Who Annoy Me (Everyone)
So many douche bags out there in the streets,
Like the youth soccer coach who shows up in cleats
The knuckle-head drivers who won't stay in their lanes,
The guy next to you who won't shut up on planes
The libertarian nut jobs who've got much to say,
The wide-bodied fatties who get in your way
If one more vegan tells me to eat organic,
I might lose my shit, and set off a panic
The old lady who writes a check while in line
The chronic complainer, want some cheese with that whine?
My insurance broker who thinks that I'm rude,
There's a reason we're cross, stop calling me, dude!
The gay music teacher who claims to be straight,
The selfish mother-f*cker who's continually late
Canadians, God-pushers, bandwagon fans,
The lady down the street who puts shit in YOUR cans
Advice givers, name droppers, one uppers too,
Any loser on welfare who threatens to sue
Dude at the gym who grunts while he lifts,
The guy in your office who always re-gifts
People who act like their dog is a human,
The guy with an accent when he says the word cumin
The entire cast of the show Jersey Shore,
Especially Snooki, that dim-witted whore
The back-handed compliment, do I find it off base?
Allow me to answer with my fist to your face
Parents who're sure that their kid's going pro,
He may only be 6, but look at him throw!
The tramps on The Bachelor looking for love,
If they stood on a cliff I'd give them a shove
Those who annoy come in all shapes and sizes,
They could be subdued or full of surprises
The one common trait they all tend to share?
About other people they simply don't care
The world is their oyster, it's all about them,
Like that freak show Tom Cruise, he's a real gem
His religion is weird, he's a bleeding heart Lib,
He went on the Today Show, called Matt Lauer glib
He may not wear Crocs, but he's certainly gay,
We've now come full circle, have a nice day.