· Opening Ceremony: What the f*ck was that? Did I inadvertently drop acid before turning on the television? It was so weird and so long that even the Queen herself looked bored as the British athletes made their way into the stadium. And would somebody please tell the Brits that it’s time to stop rolling out the crypt keeper (Paul McCartney). Dude jumped the shark back in the late nineties.
· Sexism / Gay Rights: Question - Why is there women’s boxing in the Olympics but no men’s synchronized swimming? The gays would totally dominate. Am I right? And people are wasting their time protesting at Chik-fil-A?
· Ticket Mishap: Apparently it’s nearly impossible to find tickets for this year’s Olympic events, yet the stands at most of the outdoor venues appear largely empty. I always knew the metric system was full of holes and now there’s proof.
· Twitter: Would Olympic athletes please stop posting racist and inappropriate tweets? Don’t they have anything better to do (like attend wild sex parties in the Olympic village)?
· Speedos: Why oh why do all the male divers insist on wearing speedos two sizes too small? One word – manscaping. I seriously might need therapy after watching that shit.
· Medal Count: I’m so f*cking tired of seeing China at the top of the medal count. Take away all the events no one gives a shit about (archery, fencing, synchronized diving, shooting, table tennis, etc.) and they wouldn’t even make the top five. Congratulations China – you’re the masters of obscurity.
· Waterpolo: I just watched the U.S. versus Romania men’s waterpolo match, and they had cameras filming under the water. What the hell? It was like a glimpse into a prison shower scene. I’m sorry but if you intentionally grab another man’s penis, no matter what the circumstances, you’re gay.
· Badminton: Players throwing matches to receive more favorable placement in the tournament, and then getting disqualified from the Olympics by the BWF (Badminton World Federation)? I think the bigger story here is the existence of a Badminton World Federation. Who knew?
· Michael Phelps: 20 medals and counting, the most decorated Olympic athlete in the history of the world. Not bad for a pot-smoking slacker from Baltimore.
· And finally…
5' 8", 350-pound American weightlifter Holley Mangold. An Olympian truly reflective of the country she represents. Wow. Pass the gravy.