Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The TLC Network: Ruining Television One Episode at a Time

Everyone’s already familiar with the staples of the TLC Network:
19 and Counting: A ridiculous show which documents the outrageous lives of the Duggars – just your typical American family only they have 19 kids, and they’re not done yet.  Their blatant irresponsibility alone makes them must see TV.

Toddlers and Tiaras: A disgusting show about fat, over-bearing stage moms who parade their obnoxious offspring around the country in highly inappropriate get-ups to participate in junior beauty pageants.  Their relentless pursuit of meaningless glory at all costs makes them delightfully watchable.
And now two new additions to the summer line-up:

Abby & Brittany: A fascinating show about the lives of conjoined, teenaged twins.  Two heads on just one body.  Inquiring minds want to know: When Abby eats a meal does Brittany get full too?  When Brittany has a hankering for chocolate does Abby feel the same hankering?  Does Abby control the right side of the body while Brittany controls the left, or is it a constant tug-of-war for authority?  Tune in to find out the answers to these intriguing questions and many more. 
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo:  Where to even begin?  Think the Kardashians meet the Beverly Hillbillies.  Omit Beverly Hills.  Add an industrial sized carton of chewing tobacco, Rosanne Barr, and inbreeding.  Mix in copious amounts of lard, a banjo, and several pairs of those fake Billy Bob teeth.  Stir frequently.  Bake only half way and remove from heat.  Dump entire mixture into the backwoods of Alabama.  That about sums it up.  This show is literally an abomination of humanity.  Shame on the TLC Network for airing this crap (and making it impossible to look away). 

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a good train wreck as much as the next guy.  Those pictures of Prince Harry playing strip billiards with a bunch of Vegas hookers are an instant classic in my book.  Just imagine the Queen’s expression when she saw them for the first time. 
But the TLC Network has gone too far.  Think about it.  They’ve taken innocent (albeit colorful) human beings and turned them into circus freak shows for our viewing pleasure.  Come on out to the zoo and watch the cretins cloning and feeding.  Just don’t get too close, they might bite.  One could argue that the cast of these shows are willing participants and are getting paid after all.  But does that justify the fact that they’re being completely exploited in a gratuitous attempt at higher ratings?  Something tells me when they wake up and realize that no one’s laughing with them, but rather at them, they’ll no longer be such willing participants.  If the programming directors at the TLC Network are indicative of what’s happened to the morals of this country, I think it’s high time we took a good, long collective look in the mirror. 

Where have you gone the likes of James Burrows (co-creator of Cheers)?  A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.
Stepping off the soap box now… got some Honey Boo Boo’s on DVR that are calling my name.    

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