Thursday, March 26, 2015

Facebook Personality Types

Have you ever noticed how people tend to exhibit certain patterns of behavior based upon their personality traits?  This is true in life but also true on social media platforms such as Facebook.  What follows is a list of “Facebook Personalities” I’ve been able to identify through exhaustive research (also known as the countless hours I’ve wasted on FB over the past 6 years).  This list is sure to offend almost every one of my Facebook “friends” in one way or another, so I’ll go ahead and apologize now.  The coolest part about maintaining this blog for the better part of the last decade is that I just don’t give a f*ck.

1)      The Lurker
The Lurker doesn’t even have their own Facebook page because that would just be too embarrassing.  So instead they access FB through their spouse’s account and lurk the halls of Facebook anonymously.  When you see them in person they always know exactly what’s going on in your life (because they’ve been trolling you on Facebook) but they would never admit to it.  Eventually they will expose themselves by inadvertently referencing what you did last weekend or where you went on your recent vacation, but if you call them out they will respond with, “I only know about that because ‘my wife’ saw it on Facebook”.  Yeah right, you’re not fooling anyone, Lurker.   

2)      The Motivational Speaker
The Motivational Speaker will regularly post inspirational quotes from various sources and will include phrases like “stay positive” and “dream big” in their status updates.  It’s not a direct correlation but often times The Motivational Speaker is looking for direction and/or motivation in their own life (project much?).  If you read their posts first thing on Monday morning you could and probably will become angry and annoyed, so proceed with caution.

3)       The Schleprock
Remember that character from the Flinstones who always had a black cloud over his head and bad luck followed wherever he went?  His name was Schleprock and he’s alive and well on Facebook (in spirit anyway).  The Schleprock can’t ever seem to catch a break.  They are always sick, or in the emergency room, or out of work, or having car trouble, etc.  And they just love to share all of their problems on Facebook in graphic detail.  Suck it up Schleprock, nobody gives a shit and you’re bringing us all down.

4)      The Sporadic Over-Poster
The Sporadic Over-Poster is the distant cousin of the Chronic Over-Poster.  They can go for weeks or even months without a single Facebook sighting and then boom, your feed is literally filled with their shit.  178 pictures posted individually with comments from their recent trip to the Grand Canyon.  A late night dissertation about how f*cked up our healthcare system is followed up by link after link to support their position.  You get to the point where you’re almost forced to delete them if you ever want to see anything else in your feed again and then… nothing.  It’s like they died on Facebook… only to come raging back a month or two later.  Did they forget their password, check themselves into rehab, join a nunnery?  Who the f*ck knows.  It’s just weird.     

5)      The Activist
The Activist has a strong opinion on EVERYTHING and they aren’t afraid to share it.  Global warming, net neutrality, breast feeding, vaccinations, gluten, gun control, pesticides, you name it.  They’ve got all the answers and they’re always ready for a fight.  Their posts are usually accompanied by a comment thread about the length of the receipts you get at CVS.  And you better believe they will always have the last word.  It makes me tired just thinking about how much work it must take to be that informed (or that much of a bullshitter).  The Activist must be careful about posting too much on the same subject however, otherwise they risk becoming The Dead Horse Kicker.             

6)      The Inside Joker
The Inside Joker makes cryptic status updates that only make sense to people in the know.  Their posts are always commented on by the same 4-5 people who have an annoying familiarity with one another.  Apparently The Inside Joker has never heard of a function on their cell phone called the group text.  (Side note: If The Inside Joker gets divorced, there’s a good chance they could evolve into the Cryptic Ex Basher.  This is when shit gets real and things get interesting.)             

7)      The Salesman
The Salesman has no time for pleasantries.  They use social media as simply a platform to promote their brand or peddle their wares.  The truly shameless Salesman might even use FB to pimp their blog (can you imagine?).  When I first graduated from college I was selling life insurance for Prudential.  Naturally my initial target audience was friends and family.  Whenever I’d call I could feel them on the other end of the line cringing and thinking to themselves, “I wonder what this asshat is trying to sell me now?”  Whenever I read posts from my Salesman friends I know exactly how they felt.                        

8)      The Head Scratcher
The Head Scratcher does things on Facebook that make no sense at all.  They'll post a birthday message for someone else on their own wall.  Or take the term ‘status update’ a little too literally.  Or post a clearly private message on someone’s public wall.  Or ‘poke’ someone they barely know (what does this even mean?).  One of two things is happening here: a) they’re new to Facebook and still figuring it out, or b) they’re just plain too stupid to know any better.  Either way their head-scratching antics amuse me profusely.  Like watching an old person try to figure out the Southwest boarding process.

9)      The Strange Selfie Taker
The Strange Selfie Taker is easily confused with The Narcissist but they are actually quite different.  The Narcissist will only post flattering selfies.  While The Strange Selfie Taker will post ANY selfie they’ve EVER taken at ANY time ANYwhere.  “Here’s a picture of me at the DMV with a weird look on my face.  Here I am looking constipated in my cubicle at work.  This is me at the beach looking like I just tasted something gross.”  There’s really no rhyme or reason to it.  It’s almost as though they don’t realize the pictures they post are actually going to be seen by other people.    

10)   The Myth Builder
The Myth Builder is very selective with what they will and will not post.  They clearly want to be seen as Hollywood royalty in Facebookland.  They check in at only the finest restaurants, post vacation pics from only the most exotic locations, and tag themselves hanging out with only the most interesting people.  As if anyone’s life is that glamorous.  Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain… like we don’t know it’s all smoke and mirrors.

Are you feeling picked on after reading my list?  Well, don’t.  I’ve personally been guilty of 5 of the above.  Look, everyone is weird in one way or another.  Some people just let the crazy seep out a little more than others.  And can you imagine how boring Facebook would be without all the crazy shit people post?

Monday, March 9, 2015

Deep Thoughts… by John Quinsey


Is it just me or did an allergy to gluten not even exist until a few years ago?  Based on my experience the only thing a gluten free diet leads to is a pathological need to save the environment and promote breast feeding.

Every time my kids do something stupid my wife always gives me that look like, “There’s another bad trait that came from you and your flawed DNA.”  After I think about it for a while I’m usually like, “Yeah, she’s probably right.”
I’ve often wondered if there’s an unwritten set of rules for a devil’s 3-way: 1) absolutely no eye contact under any circumstances, 2) always, ALWAYS make your intentions explicitly clear before proceeding to the next move, 3) each section of the body is to be quarantined off into definitive no-share zones…  Or is it just a complete free for all? 

Every year during football season I always hear some dude carrying on about his fantasy football team.  Trust me bro - nobody gives two shits about the stat’s of your fantasy football players.  It’s like the new dungeons and dragons.  For you singles it’s pretty much a guaranteed way to prevent sex.

Sometimes at work I’ll be in a meeting with a bunch of people and everyone keeps talking over each other.  In my mind I start thinking about “Lord of the Flies” and how cool it would be if I could pull out a giant seashell and be like, “I’ve got the conch assholes, shut the fuck up.”

I’ve traveled extensively across Baja, Mexico, for the better part of the last 15 years.  Every time I go the same thing always strikes me - you’ve really got to respect the work ethic of the Mexican culture.  Their engineering prowess?  Not so much.
I never observed this phenomenon when I was a teenager myself, but now that I’ve got two of my own I can’t help but notice how growing teenagers eat just like stoners with the munchies.  Ah to be young again.

Sometimes when I feel like wasting time I watch “The Test” or “Paternity Court”.  Both are television shows where expectant mothers find out who is the father of their unborn child.  There are always at least two candidates (sometimes more).  The verdict is revealed and one dude is always like, “Aw shit, I can’t believe I have to pay paternity to that slut”, while the other dude/s are like, “Hell yeah, I knew it wasn’t mine” (followed by excessive shuckin’ and jivin’).  It may not sound like much but I’m really not doing it the justice it deserves.  It’s like a magical ride on a wrecking train.  Every time it crashes I’m literally brought to tears by the pure absurdity of it all.  If you’re ever under the false notion that people are fundamentally good, watch these shows and they’ll prove you wrong every single time.

I can’t decide which is more annoying: go-kart guy who shows up to the track with his own helmet (inevitably with a go-pro camera attached to it), or asshole driver who sprays wiper fluid right in front of you on the freeway (inevitably just after you’ve paid to have your car washed).  Either way both should promptly die in a fire.

Every year during election time I always think it would be a good idea to get more informed on the issues.  But then just before I start my research I think to myself, “Nah, I’d rather just go play fantasy football.”  It’s okay because I’m married and my wife is legally obligated to have sex with me :).
Deep thoughts…