Have you ever noticed how people tend to exhibit certain patterns of behavior based upon their personality traits? This is true in life but also true on social media platforms such as Facebook. What follows is a list of “Facebook Personalities” I’ve been able to identify through exhaustive research (also known as the countless hours I’ve wasted on FB over the past 6 years). This list is sure to offend almost every one of my Facebook “friends” in one way or another, so I’ll go ahead and apologize now. The coolest part about maintaining this blog for the better part of the last decade is that I just don’t give a f*ck.
1) The LurkerThe Lurker doesn’t even have their own Facebook page because that would just be too embarrassing. So instead they access FB through their spouse’s account and lurk the halls of Facebook anonymously. When you see them in person they always know exactly what’s going on in your life (because they’ve been trolling you on Facebook) but they would never admit to it. Eventually they will expose themselves by inadvertently referencing what you did last weekend or where you went on your recent vacation, but if you call them out they will respond with, “I only know about that because ‘my wife’ saw it on Facebook”. Yeah right, you’re not fooling anyone, Lurker.
2) The Motivational SpeakerThe Motivational Speaker will regularly post inspirational quotes from various sources and will include phrases like “stay positive” and “dream big” in their status updates. It’s not a direct correlation but often times The Motivational Speaker is looking for direction and/or motivation in their own life (project much?). If you read their posts first thing on Monday morning you could and probably will become angry and annoyed, so proceed with caution.
3) The SchleprockRemember that character from the Flinstones who always had a black cloud over his head and bad luck followed wherever he went? His name was Schleprock and he’s alive and well on Facebook (in spirit anyway). The Schleprock can’t ever seem to catch a break. They are always sick, or in the emergency room, or out of work, or having car trouble, etc. And they just love to share all of their problems on Facebook in graphic detail. Suck it up Schleprock, nobody gives a shit and you’re bringing us all down.
4) The Sporadic Over-PosterThe Sporadic Over-Poster is the distant cousin of the Chronic Over-Poster. They can go for weeks or even months without a single Facebook sighting and then boom, your feed is literally filled with their shit. 178 pictures posted individually with comments from their recent trip to the Grand Canyon. A late night dissertation about how f*cked up our healthcare system is followed up by link after link to support their position. You get to the point where you’re almost forced to delete them if you ever want to see anything else in your feed again and then… nothing. It’s like they died on Facebook… only to come raging back a month or two later. Did they forget their password, check themselves into rehab, join a nunnery? Who the f*ck knows. It’s just weird.
5) The ActivistThe Activist has a strong opinion on EVERYTHING and they aren’t afraid to share it. Global warming, net neutrality, breast feeding, vaccinations, gluten, gun control, pesticides, you name it. They’ve got all the answers and they’re always ready for a fight. Their posts are usually accompanied by a comment thread about the length of the receipts you get at CVS. And you better believe they will always have the last word. It makes me tired just thinking about how much work it must take to be that informed (or that much of a bullshitter). The Activist must be careful about posting too much on the same subject however, otherwise they risk becoming The Dead Horse Kicker.
6) The Inside JokerThe Inside Joker makes cryptic status updates that only make sense to people in the know. Their posts are always commented on by the same 4-5 people who have an annoying familiarity with one another. Apparently The Inside Joker has never heard of a function on their cell phone called the group text. (Side note: If The Inside Joker gets divorced, there’s a good chance they could evolve into the Cryptic Ex Basher. This is when shit gets real and things get interesting.)
7) The SalesmanThe Salesman has no time for pleasantries. They use social media as simply a platform to promote their brand or peddle their wares. The truly shameless Salesman might even use FB to pimp their blog (can you imagine?). When I first graduated from college I was selling life insurance for Prudential. Naturally my initial target audience was friends and family. Whenever I’d call I could feel them on the other end of the line cringing and thinking to themselves, “I wonder what this asshat is trying to sell me now?” Whenever I read posts from my Salesman friends I know exactly how they felt.
8) The Head ScratcherThe Head Scratcher does things on Facebook that make no sense at all. They'll post a birthday message for someone else on their own wall. Or take the term ‘status update’ a little too literally. Or post a clearly private message on someone’s public wall. Or ‘poke’ someone they barely know (what does this even mean?). One of two things is happening here: a) they’re new to Facebook and still figuring it out, or b) they’re just plain too stupid to know any better. Either way their head-scratching antics amuse me profusely. Like watching an old person try to figure out the Southwest boarding process.
9) The Strange Selfie TakerThe Strange Selfie Taker is easily confused with The Narcissist but they are actually quite different. The Narcissist will only post flattering selfies. While The Strange Selfie Taker will post ANY selfie they’ve EVER taken at ANY time ANYwhere. “Here’s a picture of me at the DMV with a weird look on my face. Here I am looking constipated in my cubicle at work. This is me at the beach looking like I just tasted something gross.” There’s really no rhyme or reason to it. It’s almost as though they don’t realize the pictures they post are actually going to be seen by other people.
10) The Myth BuilderThe Myth Builder is very selective with what they will and will not post. They clearly want to be seen as Hollywood royalty in Facebookland. They check in at only the finest restaurants, post vacation pics from only the most exotic locations, and tag themselves hanging out with only the most interesting people. As if anyone’s life is that glamorous. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain… like we don’t know it’s all smoke and mirrors.
Are you feeling picked on after reading my list? Well, don’t. I’ve personally been guilty of 5 of the above. Look, everyone is weird in one way or another. Some people just let the crazy seep out a little more than others. And can you imagine how boring Facebook would be without all the crazy shit people post?