Monday, March 9, 2015

Deep Thoughts… by John Quinsey

 

Is it just me or did an allergy to gluten not even exist until a few years ago?  Based on my experience the only thing a gluten free diet leads to is a pathological need to save the environment and promote breast feeding.

Every time my kids do something stupid my wife always gives me that look like, “There’s another bad trait that came from you and your flawed DNA.”  After I think about it for a while I’m usually like, “Yeah, she’s probably right.”
I’ve often wondered if there’s an unwritten set of rules for a devil’s 3-way: 1) absolutely no eye contact under any circumstances, 2) always, ALWAYS make your intentions explicitly clear before proceeding to the next move, 3) each section of the body is to be quarantined off into definitive no-share zones…  Or is it just a complete free for all? 

Every year during football season I always hear some dude carrying on about his fantasy football team.  Trust me bro - nobody gives two shits about the stat’s of your fantasy football players.  It’s like the new dungeons and dragons.  For you singles it’s pretty much a guaranteed way to prevent sex.

Sometimes at work I’ll be in a meeting with a bunch of people and everyone keeps talking over each other.  In my mind I start thinking about “Lord of the Flies” and how cool it would be if I could pull out a giant seashell and be like, “I’ve got the conch assholes, shut the fuck up.”

I’ve traveled extensively across Baja, Mexico, for the better part of the last 15 years.  Every time I go the same thing always strikes me - you’ve really got to respect the work ethic of the Mexican culture.  Their engineering prowess?  Not so much.
I never observed this phenomenon when I was a teenager myself, but now that I’ve got two of my own I can’t help but notice how growing teenagers eat just like stoners with the munchies.  Ah to be young again.

Sometimes when I feel like wasting time I watch “The Test” or “Paternity Court”.  Both are television shows where expectant mothers find out who is the father of their unborn child.  There are always at least two candidates (sometimes more).  The verdict is revealed and one dude is always like, “Aw shit, I can’t believe I have to pay paternity to that slut”, while the other dude/s are like, “Hell yeah, I knew it wasn’t mine” (followed by excessive shuckin’ and jivin’).  It may not sound like much but I’m really not doing it the justice it deserves.  It’s like a magical ride on a wrecking train.  Every time it crashes I’m literally brought to tears by the pure absurdity of it all.  If you’re ever under the false notion that people are fundamentally good, watch these shows and they’ll prove you wrong every single time.

I can’t decide which is more annoying: go-kart guy who shows up to the track with his own helmet (inevitably with a go-pro camera attached to it), or asshole driver who sprays wiper fluid right in front of you on the freeway (inevitably just after you’ve paid to have your car washed).  Either way both should promptly die in a fire.

Every year during election time I always think it would be a good idea to get more informed on the issues.  But then just before I start my research I think to myself, “Nah, I’d rather just go play fantasy football.”  It’s okay because I’m married and my wife is legally obligated to have sex with me :).
Deep thoughts…

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