Friday, June 26, 2015

7 Things That Happen When You Decide To Stop Drinking All The Time: A Counterpoint

I found this article on-line after somebody posted the link on Facebook.  It’s on a web site called Elite Daily.  I have to admit I was drawn in by the title.  I drink on a regular basis, not ALL the time, but a sufficient amount of the time.  So I clicked on the link and read.  Like pretty much all of the articles on this web site, it’s a poorly written, ill-conceived piece by an author (I use the term loosely) who more than likely has a state school education (like me J).  The only good part of the article is the picture she posted underneath the caption (although it seems to contradict her point).  This being the Quinsey Blog I decided to have a little fun with the piece.  I’ve interjected my thoughts within the body of her article below (in italics).     


7 Things That Happen When You Decide To Stop Drinking All The Time


Lauren Kroetsch in Culture 6/19/2015



As a former party girl, I know how to get crazy. Any random night — Wednesday? Why not? — I could always be found at whatever bar had the best drink specials.
Then, one day, I decided to see what would happen if I stopped. This is what I discovered:

Dear Lauren - Before we even get started with your ridiculous observations I feel the need to point out that you look about 16 years old in your picture.  You’re a drinking novice at best.  What the hell do you know about the vices of alcohol?  I, on the other hand, am a grizzled 41-year old man w/ more than 25 years of drinking experience under my belt (20 years if my teenagers ask).  Sit back and soak up some knowledge while I take you to school.
Your Social Life Will Go Down The Drain

Life after drinking is way less exciting on the surface. Every time your group of friends gets together, it’s to drink until they don’t know their names and meet random people they’ll never see again; or it’s to drink 10 beers at someone’s apartment and run their cars into poles on the way out of the parking lot (I won’t name names).
So, while your friends are out guzzling whiskey sours, you’ll be sitting like a hermit in your apartment, watching Netflix and eating a whole bag of veggie chips. And you’ll be mostly okay with that.

Hmmmm… let’s see.  Spending your single nights out on the town creating legendary stories you’ll be able to tell for the rest of your life versus sitting on the couch watching re-runs of Glee stuffing your pie hole full of veggie chips.  How are you even remotely "mostly okay with that"?  Sobriety fail, Lauren. 
But, You’ll Find Out Who Your Real Friends Are

When people realize you’re not going out to a club with them anymore, some of your friends will still actually want to hang out with you.
You’ll do really awesome non-drinking activities instead: go out to dinner, take your dog for a walk in the park, or go to the movies or a concert.

Your friendships will flourish because you’ll think of way better stuff to do than stand around wearing uncomfortable shoes in a loud, dark room with random people.
Hold on, hold on.  Whoever said going out to dinner, walking your dog in the park, and going to movies and concerts are “non-drinking” activities.  I know first-hand that all of those things are way more fun with drink in hand.  Haven’t you ever heard of red-cupping it?  With this half-ass attitude of yours I’m starting to wonder how you have any friends at all.

You’ll Experience The Height Of FOMO

Hearing your friends talk about all their nighttime adventures without you sucks. You didn’t get to meet that hot guy or girl or talk to the weird Uber driver.
You didn’t share milkshakes at a diner afterward and then stumble home together when the sun was coming up. At first, you will be jealous. Then, you’ll get over it.

So in other words now that you’re not drinking anymore the plan is to only do boring shit while your friends have all the fun?  Sounds like a pretty solid plan if you want to be completely miserable for the rest your life.  Why don’t you just go get a job at the DMV and throw away your television while you’re at it.  I’m sure “you’ll get over it”.   
You’ll Have More Money

Drinks are expensive. Going out multiple times in a week can really put a dent in your bank account.
When you stop spending all your money on alcohol, you’ll have more money to buy stuff you’ll actually use.

What could you possible use more than alcohol?  Now you’re just talking crazy.  I think the veggie chips may have gone straight to your brain, hippie.
You’ll Lose Weight

There’s a reason you gained the Freshman 15. It’s because you spent every weekend playing beer pong and blacking out at frat parties.
When you stop drinking all the time, you stop getting the urge to hit up the Taco Bell drive-thru at 3am or eat that leftover pizza sitting in the fridge. You won’t wake up craving three Egg McMuffins.

And, people will notice. Your jeans will be loose. Since you saved so much money from not picking up the bar tab for eight of your closest acquaintances, you can go out and buy yourself some new, smaller-sized clothes.
Um, ever heard of a treadmill?  At your age you can eat and drink whatever the hell you want and then just go burn it off at the gym.  Quit being lazy.

You’ll Be Able To Wake Up Early

After a long hard night of partying, you sleep the whole morning away and finally stagger out of bed with a raging headache and your breath tasting like dry, stale vodka (not sexy).
When you didn’t stay up until 4am out on the town, you can actually wake up when the sun comes up and get stuff done in the morning.

You won’t be throwing up or scarfing down greasy food with your sunglasses on and hoodie up, looking and feeling like death.
I think we can all agree that nothing good happens in the morning.  Staying up late and doing crazy shit is where it’s at.  Fuck the morning.  And really, what’s better than scarfing down a greasy cheeseburger and fries after a hard night of drinking?  It’s one of life’s greatest pleasures.  I think depriving yourself of alcohol might’ve just killed your fun, Debbie Downer.

You’ll Remember What You Did

You’ve had a few nights where you’ve done stupid stuff (karaoke, calling people from work, throwing up in trash cans) and had to be reminded of it in the morning.
Then, you wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out or interact with people ever again.

You’ll never know if some things actually happened or if you dreamed them, and you don’t really want to know the answer.
When you stop getting drunk every weekend, you are totally conscious of everything you do. Life is way better when you actually remember it.

Oh come on.  Not remembering stuff is the best.  It’s like piecing together a blurry puzzle in order to solve a complex riddle.  And you instantly become an active participant in the best game ever.  Hello, didn’t you ever see The Hangover?         

Overall, I’ve missed out on some good drunk fun with my friends, but it’s worth it in the long run. I’ve figured out who really wants to hang out with me and not just drink all night.
I’ve become a morning person and dropped 10 pounds with zero effort.

I’ll still celebrate my birthday with a margarita or have a glass of wine with my mom when I visit. But, it just makes it that much more of a treat.
And I get the same buzz from one drink that used to take me around five drinks to get to. That’s definitely a plus.

Blah blah blah.  You’ve become boring and glib, Lauren, and I’m very disappointed in you.  If you ever decide to be awesome again please write an article about that, because this one sucks J.

The Quinsey Blog


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