Thursday, August 27, 2015

Fight the Fuck On

There’s been a lot of depressing shit in the news lately.  A disgruntled reporter killing his former co-workers on live television.  The stock market (and my 401k) taking a meteoric plunge.  Our next choice for president coming down to Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden, Jeb Bush, and Donald Trump (queue “Send in the Clowns”).  It’s literally enough to make you want to turn off your television.  But then I see a story like this and my faith in humanity is instantly restored.

USC Coach Steve Sarkisian Pulled Off Stage In The Middle Of Booster Event Speech For Being Drunk On Fireball Shots, Dropping F Bombs and Saying Oregon, Arizona State, and Notre Dame Suck!

The story first broke when tidbits of his antics were posted on Twitter:


No way.  Are we really supposed to believe that the HEAD football coach of a high profile university got bombed out of his skull and went on a profanity laced tirade in front of a room full of his players, staff, and alumni?  At first I thought this must be some sort of elaborate Twitter prank.  But then Sarkisian came out with a public apology and the legend was confirmed.  There’s some nice videos of the speech floating around the web if you’re interested.

"I was not right, and I think the moral of the story is this: When you mix meds with alcohol, sometimes you say things and/or do things that you regret, and I regret it," Sarkisian said. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of our fans and donors and all the people that were in attendance, but I'm going to move forward, and we're going to be great. I can't wait to start coaching again today." Sarkisian declined to specify what medication he is taking, but said he was impaired after combining it with "not a lot" of alcohol.   

You accidentally mixed your meds with “not a lot” of alcohol?  That’s the story you’re going with?  Come on man.  That’s like the lady who’s always drunk at parties saying, “I’ve only had two drinks but I forgot to eat today”.  If you’re going to do something insanely stupid at least be a man about it and own your shit, Sark.  Admit that more than anything else in life you love to booze and that sometimes you’re just a rotten drunk.  That’d be a lot more respectable than lying and saying you mixed your meds with “not a lot” of alcohol. 

The coach hasn't been suspended or publicly disciplined by USC athletic director Pat Haden beyond a scolding in a brief public statement.  Sarkisian doesn't believe he has substance abuse issues that would require him to step away from the Trojans, who open the season Sept. 5, at the Coliseum against Arkansas State.  "I don't know if I even need rehab," Sarkisian said. "That's part of the process, and I credit Pat Haden for this, that he has put things in place for me to have meetings to figure that out, and I'll address them as they come. I've got a great staff that can support me along the way, and we'll see what comes out of it."

Translation: Yes, I’m an alcoholic but please don’t fire me boss.  If you need me to jerk off in rehab for a week or two to salvage the reputation of this university and keep my high-paying job, I’m all in.

The program is banning alcohol from campus and the Coliseum for the coaching staff.  "There won't be alcohol in our building ever again," Sarkisian said.  Sarkisian also said he was personally done drinking for the season.

Yeah right, Sark, and I’m sure there’s not a huge flask of Fireball in your desk drawer right now.  Look man, USC football hasn’t been relevant since Pete Carroll skipped town 6 ½ years ago (and left the program a complete mess).  Last year you actually won 9 games playing in the PAC 12.  That’s not easy.  This year you’re ranked number 8 in the pre-season AP poll and your roster is stacked with All-Americans.  If I were you I wouldn’t change a damn thing.   Keep ripping those Fireball shots, slurring your words, dropping F bombs, and having to be removed from the stage by your boss at school-sponsored events.  As the saying goes, “If it ain’t sober, why fix it?”

Although you may want to consider laying off the Oregon and Arizona State suck banter.  In case you’d forgotten (I get it - alcohol wreaks havoc on your memory) your combined career record against those schools is 0-9.  Just sayin…

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

A Letter To My Teenage Children

I was a teenager myself not too long ago, or at least it feels that way.  Now (gulp) I have two of my own.  I don’t think you can ever truly be prepared to raise teenagers.  They’re consistently moody, unexpectedly irrational, often times contentious for the sake of being contentious, and oh yeah, they know EVERYTHING.  You’d think being on the verge of adulthood would make them more relatable than when they were infants.  But that couldn’t be further from the truth.  They’re not just in a different stage of life, it’s like they’re an entirely different species.
Don’t get me wrong, they can also be quite wonderful.  I’ve begun to see shades of the people they’re ultimately going to become.  They make me laugh and amuse me on a daily basis.  I find myself surprised and impressed by the things they’ve already figured out on their own.  I can definitely see the two new best friends I’m sure to have in a decade or so.  But until we get to there, we’re stuck here.  And most days that translates to: If I didn’t already love them so much I’d try to give them back.

Don’t take that the wrong way kids.  I know being a teenager isn’t easy.  You’re under a lot of pressure and it’s coming from all different directions.  Pressure from Mom and Dad to succeed in school, pressure from your coaches to succeed in sports, pressure from your peers to fit in, pressure from your friends to try to new things, and all the while dealing with your own self-inflicted insecurities.  On top of all that you’ve got this newly created social media pseudo-reality that’s impossible to live up to.  It’s no wonder half the time I feel like I’m living with a couple of schizophrenic sociopaths.  And, I know, you probably feel like you’re living with the Gestapo. 
But there’s a good reason we’ve firmly entrenched ourselves in every aspect of your teenage lives.  To you it seems like nagging and an unjust violation of your privacy.  But to us it’s an absolute necessity.  I don’t possibly expect you to understand this now but…  We only do the things we do because we’ve already learned so many things the hard way and we’re trying to make it easier for you.  We only do the things we do because we don’t have much time left to teach you how to be good people before we send you out into the world, and that scares the hell out of us.  We only do the things we do because we’ve invested the last 15+ years of our lives loving you and taking care of you, and if anything bad ever happened to you it would literally break our hearts.  We only do the things we do because you’re our second chance at fixing all the mistakes we made the first time around.  We only do the things we do because you are literally a part of us and it’s really hard to let go.  

So please be patient with us and we’ll try to be patient with you.  Please keep yourselves out of harm’s way and try to make good decisions.  Please protect your bodies.  Please understand that even though you may feel like it, you are not invincible.  Please make us proud to be your parents, not by your accomplishments in the classroom or on the football or soccer fields, but by being a good person.  Please respect your teachers and coaches, and always try your hardest.  Please be a good friend and try to give a little more than you take.  If you simply do each of these things (even though you always seem to save your worst for us) we will know we have succeeded as your parents.  And the hell you put us through as teenagers will have been all worthwhile.