There’s been a lot of depressing shit in the news lately. A disgruntled reporter killing his former co-workers on live television. The stock market (and my 401k) taking a meteoric plunge. Our next choice for president coming down to Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden, Jeb Bush, and Donald Trump (queue “Send in the Clowns”). It’s literally enough to make you want to turn off your television. But then I see a story like this and my faith in humanity is instantly restored.
USC Coach Steve Sarkisian Pulled Off Stage In The Middle Of Booster Event Speech For Being Drunk On Fireball Shots, Dropping F Bombs and Saying Oregon, Arizona State, and Notre Dame Suck!
The story first broke when tidbits of his antics were posted on Twitter:
"I was not right, and I think the moral of the story is this: When you mix meds with alcohol, sometimes you say things and/or do things that you regret, and I regret it," Sarkisian said. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of our fans and donors and all the people that were in attendance, but I'm going to move forward, and we're going to be great. I can't wait to start coaching again today." Sarkisian declined to specify what medication he is taking, but said he was impaired after combining it with "not a lot" of alcohol.
You accidentally mixed your meds with “not a lot” of alcohol? That’s the story you’re going with? Come on man. That’s like the lady who’s always drunk at parties saying, “I’ve only had two drinks but I forgot to eat today”. If you’re going to do something insanely stupid at least be a man about it and own your shit, Sark. Admit that more than anything else in life you love to booze and that sometimes you’re just a rotten drunk. That’d be a lot more respectable than lying and saying you mixed your meds with “not a lot” of alcohol.
The coach hasn't been suspended or publicly disciplined by USC athletic director Pat Haden beyond a scolding in a brief public statement. Sarkisian doesn't believe he has substance abuse issues that would require him to step away from the Trojans, who open the season Sept. 5, at the Coliseum against Arkansas State. "I don't know if I even need rehab," Sarkisian said. "That's part of the process, and I credit Pat Haden for this, that he has put things in place for me to have meetings to figure that out, and I'll address them as they come. I've got a great staff that can support me along the way, and we'll see what comes out of it."
Translation: Yes, I’m an alcoholic but please don’t fire me boss. If you need me to jerk off in rehab for a week or two to salvage the reputation of this university and keep my high-paying job, I’m all in.
The program is banning alcohol from campus and the Coliseum for the coaching staff. "There won't be alcohol in our building ever again," Sarkisian said. Sarkisian also said he was personally done drinking for the season.
Yeah right, Sark, and I’m sure there’s not a huge flask of Fireball in your desk drawer right now. Look man, USC football hasn’t been relevant since Pete Carroll skipped town 6 ½ years ago (and left the program a complete mess). Last year you actually won 9 games playing in the PAC 12. That’s not easy. This year you’re ranked number 8 in the pre-season AP poll and your roster is stacked with All-Americans. If I were you I wouldn’t change a damn thing. Keep ripping those Fireball shots, slurring your words, dropping F bombs, and having to be removed from the stage by your boss at school-sponsored events. As the saying goes, “If it ain’t sober, why fix it?”
Although you may want to consider laying off the Oregon and Arizona State suck banter. In case you’d forgotten (I get it - alcohol wreaks havoc on your memory) your combined career record against those schools is 0-9. Just sayin…