Tuesday, October 27, 2015

A Letter To The Chargers On Their Impending Move to LA

I can still remember when we first got together.  The year was 1979.  There was so much passion and excitement, just like at the start of any new relationship.  I would gaze at you in amazement each week completely mesmerized by your tenacity and your raw beauty.  You were the first thing I thought of when I woke up in the morning and the last thing I thought of when I fell asleep at night.  It was a love I’d never felt before, and man did I fall hard.  But I was just a boy at the time and as such very na├»ve.  Little did I know that those early days together would be the best days we’d ever have.  In 1981 we hit an early high point in our relationship when we experienced one of the greatest moments of my youth (divisional playoff win at Miami), only to be left out in the cold a week later (conference playoff loss at Cincinnati).  That loss unfortunately set the tone for rest of the decade which was in a word disappointing.  My shiny new toy had suddenly lost its luster.  You let yourself go and we experienced somewhat of a 7 year itch in our relationship.  I no longer enjoyed our time together and I’m not going to lie, I contemplated leaving you for greener pastures.  But I’m a very loyal person so I decided to stay by your side hopeful that we could eventually recapture past glory.  The early 90’s saw a resurgence of our love affair.  You finally started trying again and I so appreciated the effort.  In 1994 we hit another high point when we finally made it to the big dance.  Granted you still weren’t back to the top of your game yet, so expectations were somewhat tempered.  Honestly I was just so happy to finally be at the dance that the outcome was of little consequence to me (how could I have possibly known at the time that we might never make it back?).  Unfortunately the glory was short lived.  You packed on a ton of weight and really let yourself go for the next decade or so.  The low point came in the year 2000 with an all-time mark for futility (1-15 record).  You had become grotesque and I could hardly look at you anymore.  But then I remembered our early days together and why I fell in love with you in the first place.  I once again stayed faithful and looked toward a brighter future together.  That future arrived in 2004 when you did an about face and quickly got into the best shape of your life.  For the next 6 years you were one of the hottest chicks around (5 division titles in a 6 year span).  You hit a high water mark in 2006 (14-2 record) and I was sure we were going back to the dance, but alas it wasn’t meant to be (I hate you Marlon McCree).  I had high hopes for dancing again in 2009 (13-3 record), but once more you ripped out my heart and stomped all over it (f*cking tackle, Antonio Cromartie).  Since that season I would categorize our relationship as boringly mediocre.  You’ve become the fat chick with the pretty face.  Never at the bottom but always finishing short of the top.  But I’m not complaining, I know I could do much worse (Raider fan).  It’s almost as though I’ve become numb to the disappointment.  I’ve resigned myself to the fact that for better or worse I’m stuck with you.  And if we ever do make it back to the dance and somehow achieve the outcome I’ve been seeking for the past 4 decades, how sweet it will be.  But let’s not get ahead of myself.  History has taught me that you are nothing more than a miserable tease.  And I’m okay with that because you’re my miserable tease and nobody forced me to be with you in the first place.  Add it up and I’ve now given you 37 of the best years of my life.  In return you’ve given me essentially nothing.  Yet I’ve stayed faithful to you for 37 gut-wrenching years.  And now inexplicably, you have the audacity to leave me (filing for relocation to Los Angeles in January)?  F*ck you, Chargers.  I hate you.  No, I still love you.  God, I’m so confused…  Why couldn’t I have just grown up in Boston or Green Bay? J