Quinsey Blog

Send in the Clowns

2012-02-06T08:13:00.000-08:00

I keep telling myself that the current crop of GOP candidates is like beer. The first time I tried it I thought it was disgusting, but over time I’ve learned to love it. Just like the icy malt beverage that I enjoy so much, at some point one of these candidates has got to win me over, right? Well, the more I watch the debates, listen to their speeches, and hear their interviews on CNN, the more I become convinced that my theory is all wrong. What follows is my ode to the 2012 GOP Primary entitled: “Send in the Clowns” (if we didn’t laugh about it we might have to cry)

Send in the Clowns

Mitt Romney the front runner gets most of the votes
But he says stupid shit that the media quotes
With regards to the poor he couldn’t care less
His personal tax rate (15%) he will not address
His religious beliefs create political drama
His fiscal ideas are too much like Obama

The best of the bunch is probably Newt
He’s intelligent, logical, politically astute
But to say that he’s polarizing would be putting it lightly
He’s pompous and arrogant, his appearance unsightly
He cheated on wife number one and on two
He’s polling around zero in the states that are blue

Santorum joined the race and made a big splash
But his campaign is doomed, he don’t have enough cash
His views are extreme, if he had his way
He’d make it illegal for you to be gay
He believes that the “War on Terror” is legit
Which leads me to believe that he don’t know shit

Last but not least there’s the side show Ron Paul
He’s diminutive, miniature, tiny, not tall
I feel like he already ran years ago
But the last time around (1992) his name was Perot
His ideas make sense but he’s hardly electable
Libertarian or crazy? It’s barely detectable

As a life-long conservative it brings me much pain
By criticizing my own party I’ve nothing to gain
But we’ve reached a point where I simply don’t care
If this is the best we can do let’s be fair
When the traveling circus hits your cities and towns
Cue the band, play it loud, “Send in the Clowns”

The Truth Behind the Quinsey Blog

2012-01-25T13:23:00.000-08:00

From time to time I get negative responses to the things I write on this blog (shocker). That said I thought it would be helpful to provide some background information to illustrate how this whole thing got started. If after reading this explanation you still think I’m an insensitive asshole, no worries. Half the time my own wife arrives at the very same conclusion.

Rewind to June, 2008. I’m driving around LA doing my sales thing when the song “Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)” comes on the radio. I’d heard the song several times before but had never really listened to the words. For some reason I decided to listen this time and was completely captivated. When I got back to my office I googled ‘sunscreen song’ and learned the following:

The song was inspired by Mary Schmich’s essay entitled “Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young”, which was published in the Chicago Tribune as a column on June 1, 1997. In her introduction to the column, she described it as the commencement address she would give if she were asked to give one. The column soon became the subject of an urban legend, in which it was alleged to be an MIT commencement speech delivered by author Kurt Vonnegut in that same year (in truth, MIT’s commencement speaker that year was Kofi Annan). Despite a follow-up article by Schmich on August 3, 1997, in which she referred to the “lawless swamp of cyberspace” that had made her and Kurt Vonnegut to be “one”, by 1999 the falsely attributed story was widespread. In 1999 the essay was set to music, renamed “Baz Luhrmann Presents: Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen): The Sunscreen Song (Class of ‘99)” or in short “Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)”, and released on an album by Australian film director Baz Luhrmann. When the column became a song, Schmich’s “wish” came true after Zagreb’s Faculty of Electrical Engineering and Computing started to play the song “Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)” at every graduation ceremony.

I was intrigued by the back story and thought it really spoke to the reach and power of the internet. I was so inspired in fact that I decided to start my own blog to capitalize on the “lawless swamp of cyberspace” referred to by Schmich. My first post was appropriately titled: “Graduation Speech for the Class of 2008” (inspired by Mary Schmich’s original essay). I sent the link to Mary Schmich at the Chicago Tribune and she immediately responded with a positive note of encouragement. That’s all it took – I was hooked. For the past 3 ½ years I’ve blogged regularly on a wide array of subjects - 164 posts and counting to be exact. Throughout this process I’ve learned some interesting things about myself. First off I really love writing. It’s the creative outlet I never realized was missing in my life. Secondly, people actually enjoy reading what I write. I feel a profound sense of satisfaction and frankly, surprise, every time someone tells me that they like the blog (thank you). Lastly, I’ve realized that I’m far more willing to freely share my thoughts, experiences, and opinions than most people. My wife describes this phenomenon as the lack of possessing a filter like normal people. I choose to see it this way: Putting yourself out there is not always an easy thing to do… unless you're me, because I just don’t give a f*ck. See the difference? Taking a step back here’s what I’ve learned about you (my readers):

The people who really know me interpret the Quinsey Blog this way: Simply put it’s a tongue in cheek way of sharing my inappropriate view points with the world. These people probably even hear my voice talking as they read through each post. They’re not wrong.

The people who think they know me interpret the Quinsey Blog somewhat differently: They see it as the bully pulpit of an alter-ego I’ve created to escape the confines of my every day, parochial life. They probably think I don’t really mean most of the stuff I write (or that it’s at least a blatant exaggeration of how I really feel), and only publish it to get a rise out of others. They’re not completely wrong.

The people who don’t know me at all interpret the Quinsey Blog this way: They see it as the polarizing rants of an ego maniac who has no compassion for his fellow man. They probably think I’m a brazen and closed-minded narcissist who clubs baby seals in my spare time. They couldn’t be farther from the truth, although I get where they’re coming from.

In order to appreciate this blog and understand where I’m coming from, there’s something you need to know about me first: I see the world a little differently than other people. It’s not that I’m smarter or more cultured than anyone else (trust me I’m not). It’s also not that I enjoy offending those who are easily offended (although I kind of do). It’s just that my brain is wired a little differently than most.

For example there’s this lady at the gym who ALWAYS wears a sweatshirt tied around her waist to cover up her ass. Logic would say she’s self conscious about the size and/or shape of her butt, and therefore wears the sweatshirt so that nobody else will see it. I, on the other hand, jump straight to the conclusion that she’s more than likely concealing a tail.

Another example: Have you ever noticed that black-eyed peas are not stocked with the rest of the canned beans at the grocery store. Conventional wisdom would say it’s because they’re not really a bean so they don’t belong with the other beans. I, on the other hand, cry black-eyed pea discrimination by the grocery store clerks. I’ve eaten black-eyed peas plenty of times in my life, and I’ll be God-damned if they’re not more like a bean than a pea.

Next example: One of my single buddies recently introduced me to a woman he’s been dating. He saw the look on my face when she left for the restroom and said, “I know what you’re thinking, but she’s just big-boned.” A decent friend would have smiled and said as long as she makes you happy that’s all that matters. My response? “That’s funny, I’ve never seen a fat skeleton.” (kudos to my buddy, Phil Schwalbe, for this gem)

Yet another example: Have you ever wondered why singers who speak with accents (Brits and Aussies specifically) completely lose said accents while singing? Most people would rationalize that talking and singing are different so it makes sense for the accent to go away. I, on the other hand, say they’re miserable frauds who need to either own the accent full time or lose it altogether. Don’t just use that shit when it’s convenient to pull chicks or sound smarter.

And finally: Most people believe that chronic fatigue syndrome and social anxiety disorder are legitimate illnesses based upon irrefutable scientific data. I, on the other hand, am convinced that they’re bullshit diseases created by weak-minded individuals as an excuse for excessive laziness and a general distaste for other people.

I guess the point is I don’t necessarily accept the obvious answers to life’s simple questions (I go straight to the tail every time). It’s not because I’m stubborn or cynical (although I’ve been called both before), but rather because the less obvious answers entertain me (which, let’s face it, is really the most important thing) and give life color. In summary if you want to live in a boring, hum drum, black-and-white world, don’t dare read this blog. But if you want to embark upon a wondrous journey with rapping midgets, crooked politicians, badly behaving celebrities, and apocalyptic prophecies, hop on board and buckle up.

Your humble tour guide,

John Quinsey

If You Give a Candidate a Nomination

2012-01-17T10:28:00.000-08:00

If you have kids you’ve no doubt read the book, “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie”, by Laura Joffe Numeroff. It’s a cleverly written account of the chain of events kicked off by the seemingly benign act of giving a cookie to a mouse. I thought it would be fun to apply this same format to the American political process to debunk its complexity and illustrate just how simple it really is. I call it, “If You Give a Candidate a Nomination.”

If you give a candidate a nomination

He’s going to ask for campaign contributions.

When you give him the contributions, he’ll probably ask for more (because campaigns ain’t cheap you know).

When he’s used up all of the private money, he’ll go to the corporations to solicit even larger donations.

Then he will inevitably go to the special interest groups because everyone knows that’s where the real money is.

When he takes the special interest group money, he will essentially become a puppet on a string. And he won’t dare do anything to upset the machine that’s funding his very livelihood.

When he has more campaign money than the GDP of most small countries in South America, he’ll run campaign ads attacking his opponent. He’ll run so many ads that the public will start to view his propaganda as fact.

When he’s done trashing his opponent, he’ll hope no one even notices how ridiculously under qualified he is himself. You will see him on TV in expensive suits reciting speeches written by people way smarter than him. He’ll make a bunch of empty promises that sound too good to be true, but celebrities will endorse him and who knows what’s best for the public better than wealthy celebrities?

He’ll probably get far enough ahead in the polls that his ego will begin to grow disproportionately to his intelligence. When this happens he’ll start to believe he can actually make a difference once elected. He’ll tell everyone it’s a good thing he’s a Washington outsider, and voters will buy in.

He’ll become president. When he becomes president, he’ll think to himself, “Oh shit, what the f*ck do I do now?”

Then he’ll spend the next 4 years playing golf and working on his memoire. Which means… he won’t do any of the things he promised during his campaign.

He’ll enjoy being president so much that he’ll completely abandon the convictions he originally brought into office. Instead he’ll just do whatever the special interest groups tell him to do. Thinking about how dope it is to be president will remind him that his term is almost over so… he’ll ask for more campaign contributions.

And chances are if he asks for more campaign contributions, he’s going to collect enough money to get re-elected.

…and the goat rodeo will continue for at least another 4 years.

Original text from “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie”:

If you give a mouse a cookie

He’s going to ask for a glass of milk.

When you give him the milk, he’ll probably ask you for a straw.

When he’s finished, he’ll ask for a napkin.

Then he will want to look in a mirror to make sure he doesn’t have a milk mustache.

When he looks into the mirror, he might notice his hair needs a trim. So he will probably ask for a pair of nail scissors.

When he’s finished giving himself a trim, he’ll want a broom to sweep up. He’ll start sweeping. He might get carried away and sweep every room in the house. He may even end up washing the floors as well!

When he’s done, he’ll probably want to take a nap. You will have to fix a little box for him with a blanket and a pillow. He’ll crawl in, make himself comfortable and fluff the pillow a few times.

He’ll probably ask you to read him a story. So you’ll read him one from one of your books, and he’ll ask to see the pictures. When he looks at the pictures, he’ll get so excited he’ll want to draw one of his own. He’ll ask for paper and crayons.

He’ll draw a picture. When the picture is finished, he’ll want to sign his name with a pen.

Then he’ll want to hang his picture on your refrigerator. Which means he will need…scotch tape.

He’ll hang up his drawing and stand back to look at it. Looking at the refrigerator will remind him that he’s thirsty so…he’ll ask for a glass of milk.

And chances are if he asks for a glass of milk, he’s going to want a cookie to go with it.

Is This Omaha? No, It's Disneyland.

2012-01-16T07:40:00.000-08:00

I’d never been to Disneyland in January, which is strange considering we’ve had annual passes for over a decade now, but that all changed this past weekend. We had a Sunday free of commitments (which is rare in our household) so we decided to pay a visit to the “happiest place on earth” and well, color me disgusted. January is traditionally the least busy month at Disneyland. Perhaps this results in cheaper airfare, cheaper hotels, and cheaper admission to the park, which in turn drives higher attendance from the lower class (aka the red states). Or perhaps the hillbillies make a killing on Holiday moonshine sales, and therefore have more money for vacations this time of year. Whatever the case may be while entering Disneyland this past Sunday, I felt like we passed through a wormhole directly into middle America. My wife and kids paid no attention to our fellow park-goers and simply enjoyed the Disneyland experience, but I on the other hand was so completely enamored by the cretins that I couldn’t look away. What follows is a list of observations I captured while reveling in their oddity.

• One word: JORTS. Jorts of all sizes, shapes, and varieties. Jorts as far as the eye could see. Store bought jorts, homemade jorts (my favorite), even jorts teamed with fanny packs. Question – where the hell can you even buy a fanny pack short of time-traveling back to the 80’s and buying one there? I shit you not, I saw no less than a dozen dudes wearing fanny packs over jorts. Based on the sample group I observed, I’m guessing Walmart could easily take their market cap from $204 billion to $206 billion if they simply started carrying jorts and fanny packs in their red state locations. You can thank me later, Walton family.

• Fat people in motorized wheelchairs and not because they’re handicapped, but because they’re too lazy and fat to walk. (insert best southern drawl here) “Hey Bessy, look what Obamacare bought me, and I didn’t even vote for the guy… sucker. Let me just slap a confederate flag sticker here on the back and she’ll be good to go.”

• Kids on leashes. You might think it’s an animal because of its egregious misbehavior, but it is in fact your child. Fail.

• Colored overalls w/ matching plaid shirts. Until last Sunday I had no idea overalls came in any other color besides denim. And the cherry on top? Brightly colored NASCAR hats of course (but not Jeff Gordon because he’s from California and everyone knows only queers come from California).

• Honey-mooners (who look a little too much alike – wink, wink) in stupid, wedding-themed Mickey Mouse ears. Not a good look even when you have all your teeth.

• Pony tail mullets. Business in the front, shit-kickin, line-dancin party in the back. Yee haw.

• University of Nebraska gear. Hmmm, are the Huskers in town for a bowl game? No, then what the f*ck?

• Excessive smoking. Hello, even the Euros were offended by your blatant disregard for the designated smoking areas.

• Enough outside food to feed the entire population of Haiti. It was like a giant white trash picnic. Let me get this straight, you spent $500 bucks to get your family into the park but a $5 burger just seemed exorbitant?

• Inappropriately sized women’s clothing. How do you fit 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag? Ask the chicks I saw at Disneyland last Sunday. Gross.

Conclusion: If you’re looking for entertainment I HIGHLY recommend a trip to the magic kingdom in January. It’s like paying admission to Disneyland and getting the zoo for free.

Blue Collar Envy

2012-01-10T10:41:00.000-08:00

A couple years ago my kids asked me what I do for work. I explained that I sell computer hardware and software which allows big companies to virtualize the connections between their servers and back-end storage and network assets. They both looked at me with completely blank stares. So I simplified things and said that the equipment I sell allows the employees and customers of big companies to access data more quickly and efficiently. More blank stares followed by several logical questions:

“So Dad, do you build the equipment that you sell to the big companies?” they asked.

“Well no, we’ve got another company we use that manufactures and assembles the equipment to our specifications,” I responded.

Which induced puzzled looks followed by another question, “So do you install the equipment that you sell to these companies then?”

“Well no, I’ve got a team of guys who do the installs,” I replied.

More puzzled looks followed by, “So do you fix the equipment when it breaks then?”

“Well no, there’s another team of guys who do support and break/fix,” I answered calmly.

At this point their puzzled looks evolved into downright frustration, “So it sounds like you don’t do anything, Dad. What do you do all day after you leave the house and go to work?” they concluded.

“Well I go to meetings, and give presentations, and have lunches and dinners with customers…” I paused and then it hit me.

My kids were absolutely right, I don’t really DO anything. Which explains why the only fulfilling days I ever have at work are the days the commission checks hit my bank account. My kids have never asked me again about what I do for work. And I can only imagine what they must tell their friends I do for a living.

And there you have it, life in the white collar work force called sales. Earning a handsome wage without the benefit of developing, creating, or producing anything even the least bit physically tangible. It’s a real conundrum. I’m honestly jealous of those who are able to make a living with their hands.

Example: We bought the kids a ping pong table for Christmas this year. It came in a big box with about a thousand pieces. Dude at the store said it would take 2 ½ hours to assemble (you know where this is going). I started assembling the table at 9:00 pm on Christmas eve. I finished assembling the table just after 2:00 am on Christmas day. And I only had 3 pieces left over (which is normal right?). Anyhow, my inept construction skills aside, I felt a huge sense of accomplishment when I stood back and saw what I had created. And now I can’t pass by the play room without stopping to admire the table while donning a proud smile. I can only imagine this must be the same sense of accomplishment a construction worker feels after they finish building a house, or a mechanic feels after they fix a car, or even the guy at the pizza place feels after he cooks up the perfect pizza pie. Yup – I’m afraid I’ve got a bad case of the blue collar envy.

Ah, the simple life. An honest day’s work with something tangible to show for your efforts at the end of each shift. It sounds a lot less stressful and a lot more fulfilling than my job. Shit I’m only 38, perhaps it’s not too late for a career change. What do construction workers, mechanics, and pizza chefs make for a living anyway? What’s that? Never mind, suddenly this soul-sucking, slave-to-a-quota charade that I call a career, doesn’t sound so bad after all. Hey, don’t judge me - there are far worse things I could be than a money-grubbing sellout. See you at the top mother f*ckers.

Mea Culpa

2012-01-09T13:46:00.001-08:00

PS: I still think he sucks.

Have You Ever...

2012-01-04T13:58:00.000-08:00

Have you ever noticed that Gabourey Sidibe (chick from “Precious”) is so fat, that even her eyelids are fat? She’s like one jelly doughnut from literally exploding a la Mr. Creosote in Monty Python’s “The Meaning of Life”. But Gabourey, it’s only wafer thin. Ever heard of salad?

Have you ever seen the infomercial for the Forever Lazy blanket pajamas? They’ve got zippered hatches in the back in case you need to take a shit. Are they f*cking serious? Just $19.95 and you couldn’t look like a bigger asshole if you tried.

Have you ever witnessed the excitement of a motorcycle cop after he's nabbed somebody for speeding with a radar gun? He jumps out of his hiding spot and bounces up and down like a kid on Christmas morning, “ha ha, I got you, I got you.” He gets to experience the joy of being one ticket closer to his quota, while your day is completely ruined. Bastard.

Have you ever wondered why dogs get in such a ridiculous pose when they’re taking a shit? Whenever my golden retriever’s taking care of business I have to look the other way out of embarrassment. Kind of reminds me of the movie “Crouching Tiger, Pinching Dragon”. I’m sorry you had to see this.

Have you ever thought about what happened to the standard issue teacher uniforms of the 70’s and 80’s (polyester teacher pants w/ short-sleeved floral tops)? I don’t ever remember any of my teachers wearing anything else. Teachers today are so hip they’re going to put JC Penny out of business.

Have you ever wanted to pick up a little person and rock them like a baby? What? Don’t judge me, it’s totally normal.

Have you ever pictured what the bastard love child of Jabba the Hutt and Princess Leia might look like? Well, you don’t have to picture it anymore, she lives right here in Orange County. Photo courtesy of my buddy, Robert Hawkesby.

Have you ever felt like punching someone in the face just because?

Happy New Year from the Quinsey Blog!

Observations From The Treadmill

2011-12-16T16:53:00.000-08:00

F*ck I hate running on the treadmill. I mean REALLY hate it. I’d rather do ANY other cardio exercise besides the treadmill, but since they’ve over-sold this place like a Mexican timeshare, it’s the only machine currently unoccupied by a wide body. Damn it.

As long as I’m stuck here running in place go absolutely nowhere, I might as well see what’s new on Facebook: Oh look one of my “friend’s” just made an insightful post about the precarious nature of life, and how important it is to live every day to the fullest, blah blah blah. And there’s another “friend” bragging on and on about their prized offspring, God’s gift to education and sports and macaroni wall art, blah blah blah. Then there’s that “friend” who I allegedly went to high school with (but don’t even remotely remember) getting all religious again – give it a rest, Jesus. Maybe I should write a post about the 10 most annoying things people do on Facebook? Wait, I already did that (January 28, 2011).

Hold on, is this dude in front of me f*cking serious with those shorts? I wish I could snap a picture so you could see what I’m seeing right now. But given that this place is as crowded as Walmart on Black Friday, the risk of getting caught is too high. I shit you not - they’re so damn short I think I can see one of his balls hanging out the bottom. Dude – you’re disgusting. Cover that shit up. There are so many freaks in this place, maybe I should write a post about the creepiest adult behaviors. Shit, I already did that too (May 31, 2011).

If I can’t come up with any new material perhaps that means I’ve been writing this blog for too long… Nah, I’m just getting warmed up.

I recently found out that my Dad’s biological father was not the man he called Dad. Apparently his Mom was involved in a scandalous extramarital affair which resulted in the birth of my Pops. The man she was involved with happened to be Jewish. Which would make that man’s biological grandson (me)… a 1/4 Jew (the secret’s out). It’s funny, I had quite a few Jewish friends growing up and attended more than my fair share of Bar and Bat Mitzvah’s. I always felt like I was one of their favorite Gentiles and now I know why – I was one of you the whole time! Ever since I received this news I’ve been especially sensitive to the plight of the Jew and in particular negative Jewish stereotypes. The most prevalent of these stereotypes, as everyone knows, is that Jews are greedy, nit-picky, stingy misers. Allow me to set the record straight once and for all. Having been 1/4 Jewish for 38 years now (albeit unknowingly) I feel completely comfortable making this statement on behalf of Jews everywhere: We are not cheap. It’s just that we have more money than you and would like to keep it that way. See the difference? Shalom.

Hey, there’s Quinton “Rampage” Jackson and his entourage. I see that dude here all the time and he’s always rolling with at least 3 or 4 other scary looking dudes. Note to self: avoid making eye contact with these cats at all times. Reminds me of my days back at Emerald Junior High in the El Cajon valley: keep your head down and stay off the radar and hopefully they’ll kick someone else’s ass (chubby white kids have no business going to junior high in the hood) - I digress. Looking at Rampage and his freshly blackened eye (sparring accident?), I can’t help but wonder why on God’s green earth anyone would want to participate in UFC fighting. I’ve been hit in the face before and it f*cking hurts. Here’s another question. Two of the dudes in Jackson’s posse are built like washing machines. Why do most really short guys (f*ck you – I’m 5’9” AND a ¼ - I’m not talking about me) feel the need to overcompensate by getting all buffed out? You’re only exacerbating the problem, tattoo. God he was adorable.

Sorry I’m jumping around here but I have the attention span of a gnat. Let’s see what’s on Sportscenter. What a surprise, another story on Tim Tebow. What the f*ck? Allow me to let you all in on a little secret: Tebow SUCKS! And if I hear one more person compare him to John Elway I’m coming over the table a la Chris errr Jim Everett on the Jim Rome show (remember that gem?).

Seriously though, on passes of 10 or more yards downfield Tebow’s career completion percentage is less than 25%. What do you call a quarterback who completes just 1 out of every 4 passes to his wide receivers? That would be a running back. I’m not saying the guy’s not a great athlete because he is. And he should absolutely be on the field. Just put him at halfback, or put him in the slot, shit - put him ANYWHERE but under center. Because what he’s doing out there right now is an abomination of the quarterback position. And by the way, “the Lord works in mysterious ways,” does NOT apply to Tebow and the Broncos squeaking out wins against shit teams every week. So please stop making religious references. Stop. I’ll tell you what, if the Broncos aren’t one and done in the playoffs (if they even make the playoffs that is), I’ll put a picture of myself “Tebowing” on this blog.

Wait, a recumbent bike just opened up – I’m outta here. Happy Friday everyone.

The Quinsey Blog

A Christmas Story

2011-12-08T14:17:00.000-08:00

I spend an awful lot of time making fun of other people on this blog. It’s not because I’m mean spirited or feel somehow superior, it’s just that people do so much stupid shit that deserves to be made fun of. That said I am not above the law myself. And since the theme of this blog has always been full disclosure, I thought I’d share a recent story from my life where I experienced a severe case of the stupids. Enjoy and please try not to think less of me after reading this.

It’s the first Saturday in December, and as tradition goes it’s time to venture out and get the Quinsey family Christmas tree. For the past few years we’ve picked it up at a local tree lot down the street sponsored by the Boy Scouts of America. The service was pretty crappy: had to carry the tree to the car myself and tie it down (hint: to avoid tying doors shut and trapping self in car, open doors PRIOR to tying tree on roof – done it more times than I’d care to admit), had to saw / straighten out the trunk myself, and had to drill my own hole for the stand when I got home. But I was helping out the Boy Scouts (those kids won’t get laid until their thirties – they need all the help they can get) so I didn’t mind the self service. This year however they moved the lot about 5 miles away so I said screw the Boy Scouts, we’re going to Home Depot. Much to my chagrin the trees at Home Depot were bigger and cheaper than at the Boy Scout lot, the workers chain-sawed the trunk and straightened it out for me, and they carried the tree to my car and tied it down while I stood there and watched. When I tried to tip the guy he wouldn’t even accept it (company policy). This was too good to be true. The only thing they wouldn’t do was drill a hole for the stand, which seems odd since they’re the Home Depot and they sell drills. Oh well I thought, I’ll just drill it myself. Which brings us to the catalyst of this unfortunate holiday tale.

Let me preface this next part by stating a handy man I am not. My tools are an eclectic and pathetic collection of hand-me-down crap: rusty hammers, crooked screw drivers, wrenches that never seem to fit anything, a socket set straight out of K-Mart, pliers that won’t close all the way, an electric saw still in the box, a bunch of other random shit whose function I know not of, and a beautiful drill which I bought for the sole purpose of drilling a hole in the bottom of my Christmas tree. The only problem was the bits it came with were all too short to drill a deep enough hole in the tree (there’s a joke in there somewhere), so every year I struggled to get it on the stand. This year would be different however, as I proactively purchased an extra large bit that was easily long enough to drill a stand-sized hole in my tree. Why hadn’t I given in and bought a longer bit years earlier? Pure, unfiltered laziness and the fact that I almost never go to the hardware store (I know – man card violations are piling up here). Anyway I arrived home excited to use the new bit. I plugged in my drill, created a small pilot hole with a smaller bit, and then broke out the big dog. At first it went in easy, too easy. Within seconds I was a third of the way in, and then two thirds, and then… oh shit the bit’s stuck. I switched the drill to reverse mode and gave it a squeeze… nothing. Back in forward mode… nothing. What the f*ck? After about 90 seconds of toggling back and forth between modes, and turning and pushing as hard as a I could, and polluting the night air with a litany of cuss words, dark smoke started to pour out the back of my drill (not good). Followed by strange grinding sounds and a bunch of blue sparks inside the motor. After a few more choice cuss words I gathered my composure, detached the drill from the lodged bit, and gently set it down on the ground (by gently set it down I mean hurled it against the side of my house).

I walked inside dejected. “Honey, I need a new drill,” I stated matter-of-factly.

And my wife gave me that look like, “What did you do this time, genius?” (I hate that look)

“I didn’t do anything,” I responded defensively even though she hadn’t said a word. “The damn drill just stopped working.”

“You only use that drill like once a year. There’s no way it just died on its own. You must have been using it wrong,” she replied in a judgmental tone.

“I’m not a f*cking moron. I know how to use a drill,” I snapped back.

“I’m just saying it wouldn’t be the first time you broke a tool by using it wrong,” she returned with a wry smile (I hate that smile).

“Whatever, I’m going to Home Depot to buy a new drill,” I said defiantly as I walked out the door.

Just before I was out of ear shot she added, “Make sure you ask somebody for help." The implication being that I don’t know what the f*ck I’m doing (I hate that implication).

I arrived at Home Depot still pissed off. “Give me the strongest drill you’ve got,” I told the dude in the drill section. He went on to explain the inner workings of drills and why one brand was better than another given its superior design and longer useful life, blah blah blah. “I’ll take the red one,” I said cutting him off. $200 later I was back in the car heading home to finish what I had started. While at the cash register I couldn’t help but notice tree stands that didn’t require drilling a hole in your tree. They were 25 bucks. I suppose I could have just purchased one of those stands instead of the new drill and saved $175, but that so wasn’t the point. I was already in too deep on this project and there was no turning back now. I arrived home invigorated by the untapped strength of my new toy. I tore open the box, plugged in the drill, attached it to the bit still lodged in my tree, braced myself for the impact, forcefully squeezed the trigger, and… nothing. That f*cking bit didn’t budge a single centimeter. Forward, reverse, forward, reverse, until a plummet of thick, black smoke came pouring out the back of my shiny, new drill. Followed by strange grinding sounds and a bunch of blue sparks inside the motor. At this point I temporarily lost my mind. Neighbors started to come out of their houses to see what all the commotion was about. Children stood frozen in disbelief and babies cried as they watched a maniacal man attack his Christmas tree in a profanity-laced tirade. After a good 5 minutes of crazy I finally exhausted myself. As I stood hunched over in the driveway attempting to catch my breath, I noticed my wife out of the corner of my eye. She was standing in the garage with a judgmental look on her face.

“Are you done?” she finally asked.

“That f*cking drill’s a piece of shit,” I responded defiantly.

“Did you ask somebody at the store for help?” she asked (her calm tone pissed me off even more).

“Yes, I asked somebody for help. It’s the strongest f*cking drill they sell. I’m going out to get a new tree,” I replied. “This one’s f*cked.”

“The tree’s fine. You just need to figure out a way to get the bit out,” she responded in the same annoyingly calm tone.

“You think?” I retorted sarcastically.

She proceeded to retrieve a rusty hammer and a crooked screwdriver from my toolbox, and then attempted to loosen the bit by gently hammering in the screwdriver around it. This was a direct assault on my manhood. So I immediately stepped in and took over.

“This is not going to work,” I said. “The bit is in too deep.”

“Calm down and keep trying. The only way to get it out is to loosen it up around the edges,” she instructed. “Have you tried turning the bit with a pair of pliers?”

I retrieved the semi-functioning pliers from my toolbox and attempted to turn the bit with all my might until my hand slipped and I cut it on the bit, which sparked off another profanity-laced tirade. I went back to the hammer and screwdriver and pounded away in a futile effort to loosen the bit.

“Don’t hammer the screwdriver in too deep or it will get stuck too,” advised my wife.

Too late. The screwdriver was now stuck in the trunk alongside the bit. I tried to muscle it out and the handle broke off in my hand. This situation was quickly deteriorating into a full blown shit show. Frustration took over and I found myself hammering away at the trunk with reckless abandon. I could hear my wife in the background telling me to calm down but the train had already left the station. I hammered away at the bit and the broken screwdriver over and over, sweat dripping off my brow, until the screwdriver finally dislodged and the bit snapped in half at the base. I set the tree down on the driveway and stepped back to assess the situation.

“F*ck it,” I finally said. Without thinking I grabbed the tree stand and shoved it in the hole where the bit had broken off. With brute force I hammered away at the bottom of the stand, sparks flying in all directions, until it finally penetrated the trunk to the side of the broken bit. When I placed the tree and the stand upright on the driveway to test out my handy work, the tree tilted at about a 60 degree angle (surprise, surprise). To compensate for the tilt I grabbed some rope from the garage and tied one end to the middle of the tree and the other end to the foot of the stand opposite the side it was leaning toward. I then carried the entire hot mess into the family room, slammed it down on the floor, and walked away.

“Done,” I muttered as I grabbed a beer from the fridge. I was so pissed off that I didn’t even help decorate the tree with my wife and kids. I spent the rest of the night sulking and watching TV, not even remotely in the Christmas spirit.

The next morning the bitterness had passed. My wife joked that she hoped the rope had held. When we walked downstairs the tree was still amazingly upright and straight. “It looks great. No one would ever guess there’s half a drill bit stuck in the trunk,” I laughed.

It was at that exact moment I noticed a sharp pain on the surface of my stomach, a pain I had never experienced before. I lifted up my shirt to identify the source of my discomfort and there it was: a TICK. Apparently while I was wrestling with the tree the night before, the little bugger had jumped off the tree and attached itself to my stomach, and then burrowed into my skin overnight. I immediately panicked and screamed like a little girl (it was about the 5th unmanly thing I’d done in the past 12 hours).

“Get it off! Get it off!” I screamed in terror.

My wife, forever the calming voice of reason, told me to take a deep breath and relax. She got a pair of tweezers and removed the tick, then placed it in a zip-lock bag and put it in the freezer. “You’re supposed to save the tick in case you get sick,” she said. (Oh good, something to look forward to - lyme disease)

I now have a large sore on my stomach where the tick was attached, my hands are all cut up from my altercation with the tree, and my wife is more convinced than ever that she married a high functioning retard. Merry freaking Christmas. We are so getting a fake tree next year.

The Participation Trophy Generation

2011-12-05T10:22:00.000-08:00

A buddy sent me a link to a YouTube video last week. It contained Adam Carolla’s 9+ minute rant on the OWS Generation. He used some offensive language and off color analogies (sound familiar?) but his point was spot on. About twenty years ago we as a society f*cked up, and only now are we seeing the consequences of our actions. The exact cause or catalyst of this vicious cycle of events is not clear, but what is clear are the results. Twenty years of coddling, and pampering, and falsely inflated egos and what have we got? An entire generation of lazy, self-entitled pussies, that’s what (or ass douches as Adam Carolla likes to call them). Seriously, when did we as parents make a conscious decision to start ruining our children?

Example #1: Oh, you struck out and cost your team the game little Johnny? That’s okay, it wasn’t your fault. That umpire’s an idiot, no chance that was a strike – it’s his fault. And your coach shouldn’t have been hitting you last, everyone knows you’re a leadoff hitter – it’s his fault too. Here’s a cookie and a trophy champ – good job. As long as you gave it YOUR best you’re always a winner in my book.

Translation: Johnny never works hard at anything because his mediocre accomplishments are enough to make his parents proud. When he is measured up against others and deemed inferior it’s not his fault, it’s society’s. Johnny can’t get a job because he sucks. Instead of working hard to improve his station in life he camps out in the park with the other losers and blames the 1%.

Example #2: My son has a severe peanut allergy. I need verification that this school has a strict “no peanut” policy. If he even so much as breathes in peanut dust he could die.

Translation: If I can’t have peanuts then NO ONE can have peanuts. It’s all about me, me, me. Johnny has a low paying job and drives a piece of shit beater. Instead of busting his ass to get promoted so he can make more money and buy a better car, he instead chooses to vandalize the cars of the 1%. That’ll show em.

Example #3: You’re not fat son, you’re just big boned. Don’t listen to those other kids who are teasing you, they’re just jealous because they’re not as handsome and smart as you are. Have another doughnut, it’ll make you feel better.

Translation: Johnny is a fat sack of shit with major health problems. Nobody wants to hire a fat sack of shit and Johnny can’t afford private health coverage. Instead of losing weight so he can get a job with health coverage (which he wouldn’t even need if he was thin), he pickets in the park about how the 1% are driving up the cost of healthcare and sending all the good jobs overseas.

It’s time to stop the f*cking insanity people. Life isn’t easy and it isn’t fair. The sooner our children learn this, the better off they’ll be. Stop blowing smoke up their ass about how great they are, and instead give them the tools and the work ethic necessary to achieve greatness. Life is a zero sum game as I see it. For every winner there’s a loser. If you give your kid a trophy for simply participating, you’ve pretty much already sealed their fate.

Ponderings From The Target Checkout Line

2011-11-29T13:10:00.000-08:00

I was standing in line at Target the other day trying to avoid making eye contact with the freak show all around me when my mind started to wander...

What the hell ever happened to waterbeds? Those things were genius outside the severe back problems and their inevitable propensity to spring a leak, of course.

Why are strip clubs called gentlemen’s clubs? I don’t know firsthand but I’ve “heard” those places are filled with nothing but low life’s and degenerate perverts.

When did everything start becoming salted caramel flavor? It’s the new pomegranate.

How come it’s okay for humans to hunt animals but when they hunt us they’re labeled rogue and dangerous? “… and the hunt continues for the rogue shark off the coast of Florida.” Rogue? More like hungry if you ask me.

Does anyone else find it ironic that the richest family in America (the Waltons) made their fortune off the poorest families in America? Seriously – the people who shop at Target are like royalty compared to the food stamp mutants who shop at Walmart.

What is Tim Tebow always praying about? He does realize that God’s not pulling any strings for the Broncos to win, right? Because as EVERYONE knows God is a Chargers fan (just not this season – I hate you Satan, I mean Norv).

Why is everyone so pissed off at the 1% and the inequality of wealth in America? Do you think corrupt politicians fund their own campaigns and gentlemen’s clubs make themselves rain, hello.

When did Hollywood writers just completely hit the wall on ideas for new movies? No offense to the new Karate Kid and the new Footloose but I already saw those flicks like 20 years ago.

How many times a day are they going to keep playing Adele’s, “Someone Like You”? Sure it’s a good song but seriously, enough already. They do realize it’s about a crazy stalker lady, right?

Does this lady behind me really think it’s okay to be standing so close? I can literally smell what she ate for lunch. Back the f*ck up, bitch. Why do I even need to say this?

That’s all the Holiday cheer I have time for right now.

Season’s Greetings,

The Quinsey Blog

Pulling a “Sandusky” (verb): to tell a ridiculous, unbelievable lie without even the least bit of conviction.

2011-11-18T08:52:00.000-08:00

I had to listen to this interview several times to make sure I was actually hearing what I thought I was hearing. In perhaps the most surreal television interview of all time, pedophile and former assistant football coach at Penn State University, Jerry Sandusky, told bold faced lie after bold faced lie while being questioned by Bob Costas on Monday night. He was tentative in his responses and stammered frequently throughout the interview, both telltale signs of any liar worth his salt.

"I say that I am innocent of those charges," said Sandusky (unconvincingly).

When asked by Costas, "Are you a pedophile?" Sandusky responded (after an awkward pause), "No."

Sandusky was charged earlier this month with 40 criminal counts accusing him of sexual abuse of minors. He is currently free on a $100,000 bond and has denied any wrongdoing. The allegations date back to 1994, according to the grand jury report filed November 5 in Pennsylvania state court. The report detailed claims of alleged sexual encounters with as many as eight boys in Sandusky's home, hotels and Penn State locker rooms.

"I could say that I have done some of those things. I have horsed around with kids. I have showered after workouts. I have hugged them and I have touched their legs without intent of sexual contact," said Sandusky uneasily.

This response in particular really made me sick to my stomach. The way he said it, it was almost like he was trying to convince himself that he didn’t do anything wrong. Which conjured memories of the disturbing TV documentary, “Living with Michael Jackson”, which aired in 2003. I remember thinking at the time that Jackson was completely full of shit. I feel no differently today about Sandusky.

When asked by Costas to concede any wrongdoing, Sandusky said, "I shouldn't have showered with those kids."

Really? That’s what you’re going with? Well shucks Bob, what grown man doesn’t enjoy a nice shower with a young boy every now and then? There’s a special place in hell for sick f*cks like you, Sandusky.

Sandusky's attorney, Joseph Amendola, verified Sandusky's voice and asserted his client's innocence. "I believe in Jerry's innocence. Quite honestly, Bob, that's why I'm involved in the case," Amendola said.

Yeah and I’m sure it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that this trial is going to be the biggest circus of the century, and you’ll be right smack dab in the middle of it all, you shameless f*ck. You couldn’t be more transparent if you tried.

"We expect we're going to have a number of kids, now how many of those so called eight kids we're not sure, but we anticipate we're going to have at least several of those kids come forward and say this never happened. This is me, this is the allegation, it never occurred. In fact, one of the toughest allegations...what [Mike] McQueary said he saw, we have information that that child said that never happened," Amendola said.

God I hate lawyers.

McQueary is currently on paid administrative leave from his job as an assistant coach for Penn State's football team. In 2002, while a graduate assistant, he witnessed Sandusky allegedly engaged in a sexual act with a minor in the Penn State locker room's showers, according to the grand jury report. He told Paterno what he witnessed, according to the grand jury testimony.

Sandusky said McQueary's claims are false. "We were showering and horsing around and he [the boy] actually turned all the showers on and was actually sliding across the floor and we were, as I recall, possibly like snapping a towel," Sandusky said (creepily).

Wait, back up the truck. Do you really expect anyone to believe that McQueary mistook “sliding across the floor” and “possibly like snapping a towel” for you sexually assaulting a young boy? Let me ask you this you depraved pervert: what the f*ck did McQueary possibly have to gain by going to Joe Paterno (your boss and long time friend) with false accusations of you sexually abusing a child? In case you hadn’t noticed his life is ruined too.

Sandusky also addressed allegations that he apologized to the mother of one of the alleged victims and said "I wish I were dead" in 1998. "I didn't say, to my recollection, that I wish I were dead. I was hopeful that we could reconcile things," Sandusky said.

Reconcile things after molesting her kid? I wish you were dead, asshole.

The scandal has tarnished the reputation of the once-heralded football program, leading to the firing of legendary Coach Paterno and three other university officials. It’s also left students and residents of State College, Penn., shocked. Sandusky said that right now isn't "the best days of my life."

Not the best days of your life? There’s an understatement. If you think things are bad now just wait until you’re getting ass-raped in the state penitentiary by a large, black man named Bubba. You know what they say - poetic justice is best served from behind.

"How would you think I would feel about a university that I attended, about people that I worked with, about people that I care so much about and how do you think I would feel about it? I feel horrible," Sandusky said.

Apparently not horrible enough to stop lying about it.

When asked if he felt responsible for damaging Penn State's image, Sandusky said, "I don't think it's my fault. I've obviously played a part in this, but I don't think I should be accused as I have been."

Played a part in it? You’re being too modest you degenerate scumbag. You played the freaking starring role.

"I don't know what I can say or what I could say that would make anybody feel any different now. I would just say that if somehow people could hang on until my attorney has a chance to fight for my innocence, that's about all I can ask right now. Obviously, it's a huge challenge," Sandusky said.

Yeah, it’s a huge challenge because you’re GUILTY.

When asked if he had a sexual attraction to underage boys, Sandusky awkwardly paused again (as if he had to think about it) and said, "I enjoy young people. I love to be around them, but no, I'm not sexually attracted to young boys."

Hey sicko, if you’re going to come on national television and lie to everyone, at least have the decency to tell lies that make sense and do it with conviction.

Say It Ain't So Joe

2011-11-10T11:08:00.000-08:00

Martin Luther King, Jr. once said: “Man's inhumanity to man is not only perpetrated by the vitriolic actions of those who are bad. It is also perpetrated by the vitiating inaction of those who are good.”

In 1998, the head football coach at Penn State Universtiy, Joe Paterno (along with a shitload of other Penn State faculty and administrators), was made aware of disturbing allegations of inappropriate sexual conduct with young boys charged against his long time friend and defensive coordinator, Greg Sandusky. For undisclosed reasons then district attorney, Ray Gricar (who’s now missing / dead), chose not to prosecute Sandusky and so ended a police investigation into the matter. Sandusky (not) coincidentally took an early retirement package from the University less than a year later, but stayed connected to the football program (and young boys) through his “Second Mile” charitable foundation.

In 2000, a temporary janitor, Jim Calhoun (not the UConn basketball coach), witnessed Sandusky engaging in sexual activity with a boy in a campus locker-room shower. He reported the incident to a supervisor and several other staff members who did absolutely nothing with the information. Calhoun currently suffers from dementia and resides in an assisted-living facility.

In 2002, then graduate assistant, Mike McQueary, witnessed Sandusky sexually abusing a boy in a Penn State locker-room shower. A distraught McQueary reported the incident to Coach Paterno the next day (if he was distraught, just imagine how the young boy getting sexually molested in the shower must have felt). Paterno promptly informed the athletic director (Tim Curley) who informed the SVP of Finance and Business (Gary Schultz), who had oversight of university police. The pair met with McQueary to discuss the incident, but ultimately decided not to report it to authorities. Instead they simply told Sandusky that he could no longer bring boys on campus. As in so long as it doesn't happen here we don't need to know about it (are you f*cking kidding me - we're talking about the sexual molestation of children for Christ's sake - what's wrong with you?).

It’s now 2011, and Sandusky is finally being prosecuted for his heinous crimes against humanity. Curley and Schultz are finally being charged for their egregious roles in the cover-up. Paterno and Graham Spanier (Penn State University president) are finally being fired for their blatant inaction. McQueary meanwhile still has his job (as wide receivers coach) and plans on being on the sideline for this Saturday’s game. Note to Penn State Board of Trustees: if you don’t fire McQueary prior to this Saturday’s game you’re essentially spitting in the face of the young boys victimized by Sandusky and their families. Do the right thing before it’s too late.

Add it all up and 13 years passed by from the time Sandusky was first accused of sexual misconduct against a child, to the time he was finally charged with a crime. 13 years of raping and molesting defenseless children. 13 years of lost innocence never to be returned. 13 years of silence by a University desperate to hold on to its proud reputation. 13 years of misery and heartache that could have easily been avoided if not for the inaction of a head coach who "wishes he had done more," and his staff.

Shame on you Coach Paterno, and shame on anyone else with even peripheral knowledge of what’s been taking place on the campus of Penn State University over the past 13 years. Joseph Vincent Paterno - you leave Penn State University as the winningest head coach in the history of major college football, and are considered by many a true American icon. But as the old saying goes: lie with dogs, wake with fleas. And unfortunately for you there’s no flea bath strong enough to ever cleanse this stain from your sullied reputation. Along with the innocence of those defenseless young boys, so too lost was your legacy.

Duggars Hit 20, Say Why Stop Now?

2011-11-08T08:57:00.000-08:00

Michelle Duggar and her husband Jim Bob are expecting their 20th child.

Not a typo. That’s TWO-ZERO, as in TWENTY, or about a baker’s dozen more than anyone with even a shred of sanity would bring into this world. I guess if this sort of thing was going to happen, it’s strangely reassuring that someone named Jim Bob is at the center of it.

"We are so excited," says Michelle Duggar. Now three and a half months pregnant, the mom of 19 says she was actually surprised to discover that she's expecting again at 45. "I was not thinking that God would give us another one, and we are just so grateful."

Wait, let me get this straight. Did you just say that God is the father of baby number 20? Wow, I bet your husband’s pretty pissed. Also, who knew God was into frumpy 45-year old housewives?

The super-sized family stars in its own reality TV show, “19 Kids and Counting.”

Using reality TV to fund your own personal freak show? It’s the “new” American dream.

Michelle Duggar’s last pregnancy was fraught with danger. She suffered from gall-bladder problems as well as preeclampsia. In order to save her life, doctors delivered daughter Josie three and a half months prematurely – she weighed only one pound, six ounces at birth, and endured a series of health emergencies, including a perforated bowel. Josie eventually went home with the rest of the Duggar family, and is now a healthy toddler who will celebrate her second birthday in December.

Yes, this is why old ladies should spend their time backing up golf courses, not getting knocked up.

“The precious life that we see here is not a coincidence,” Michelle Duggar said last summer referring to baby number 19. “I just know that it is a miracle. I don’t take that for granted. I know that God is the one who gives life, and I’m just so grateful and thankful. We would welcome another if He saw fit, but we’ll wait and see.”

I don’t mean to rain on your miracle parade, Michelle, but when two people have unprotected sex there’s this thing called pregnancy that occasionally occurs. No intervention from God required – just an egg and a sperm. Did you not go to 5th grade?

Michelle said that she's over her first-trimester morning sickness, has been indulging her cravings for dill pickles, and is feeling great. She said her doctors have given her the green light for this pregnancy, and so far she hasn't had any health worries. For the past year, she said, she's been working out five or six days a week: "I'm really in better shape than I've been in 20 years."

Except for her vagina – it looks like two jelly fish having a fight.

The Duggars' 19 children, who range in age from 23 years to 23 months, are: Joshua, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer, Jordyn-Grace, and Josie.

Jinger, Josiah, and Jedidiah are like, what the f*ck mom and dad? Bad enough you brought us into this freak show in the first place, but then you had handicap us with f*cked up name like this? Why do you hate us so much?

The kids thought family patriarch Jim Bob was joking when he broke the news that they would have a new brother or sister, Michelle said. They lined the family up on the staircase for a photo, she recalled, and Jim Bob said, "Smile -- Mom's going to have another baby!"

Several of the older children were reportedly heard saying, “you’ve got to be f*cking kidding me.” Or at least that’s what they were thinking.

"Their mouths dropped," Michelle said, laughing at the memory. "They all looked at me to see if he was joking."

Unfortunately not joking.

Jim Bob said that he's thrilled for their 20th child. "Michelle and I both feel like some of the most blessed parents in the world. Our children are so sweet... we are so grateful to God." And, he adds, "We didn't want to stop on an odd number."

Of course not, because that would be just crazy.

Is it just me or does Justin Bieber resemble a lesbian in drag?

2011-11-05T16:19:00.000-07:00

See it now?

How bout now?

Yup - perhaps if I was a teenage girl I'd understand...

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Perfect

2011-10-31T08:45:00.000-07:00

nar•cis•sism

noun

1. inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.

2. erotic gratification derived from admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes.

It’s inescapable, there’s something innately narcissistic about writing a blog. The implication being that other people actually care what you think. Some blogs are really good (like this one – you see what I did there?), but most blogs are pretty well, terrible. Housewives spouting on about the daily minutia of their mundane lives, wanna-be critics trying to be paradoxical in their critique of food, music, movies (you name it), ugly chicks giving dating advice on how to land the perfect man, blah blah blah. So what exactly defines the perfect blog then? I’m not precisely sure but I assume the definition would include things like original content, a unique point of view, and good writing (with proper grammar for Christ’s sake). Let’s be honest though, reading a description of the perfect blog would be like listening to a dirty hippie complain about social injustice or watching a fat person take a shower. I’ll therefore go one step further and tell you not what defines the perfect blog but what defines the perfect person. Wait… that would be too easy. My point of view being so unique and all, I think I’ll turn it around and describe not what attributes define the perfect person, but instead what things a person should avoid doing in order to become perfect. Please enjoy this distinctly original content and pay no attention to any slight grammatical missteps, as I sit here and admire myself in the mirror.

• A polo shirt with the collar up? Come on dude – the 80’s sucked during the 80’s, and that was thirty years ago. At least you’d be appreciated in the Eastern Bloc.

• Face paint as an adult under any circumstances? Fail.

• Crocs in public? (never mind, scratch this one – it’s too obvious)

• A mesh tanktop? Really? (saw this dude at the gym last week) See bullet point #1 above, meathead.

• You finally got a job… as a bathroom attendant. God I hate bathroom attendants. Can I please piss in peace, and do you have change for a five?

• Enough with your political beliefs. Do I look like I care?

• Just because I asked how your day’s going, doesn’t mean I really want to know. Hello, discretion.

• A thyroid problem? Right, put down the jelly doughnut and step away from the fridge. You’re not fooling anyone.

• Just because I’m a heterosexual, white male doesn’t mean I’ll enjoy your gay, racial, or sexist jokes… but I might.

• Am I really going to have another drink? You’re damn right I am, don’t judge me asshole. You’re the one with your collar up.

You’re probably scratching your head in bewilderment after that random smattering of advice / observations, but there’s a point in there somewhere. To put it another way don’t dress like a douche, invade other people’s personal space, be overly opinionated, make excuses for your problems, or judge / make assumptions about others based on your own lifestyle choices. If you could avoid doing each of these things, that would be a good start. What? You think it’s easy being perfect?

Where The Hell Did The Time Go?

2011-10-20T12:57:00.000-07:00

A new film called “In Time” (which opens October 28) takes place in a retro-future where the aging gene has been switched off, and people stop aging at 25 years old. However, stamped on everyone’s arm is a digital clock of how long they have to live. To avoid overpopulation, time has become the currency and the way people pay for necessities and luxuries. The rich can live forever, while the rest try to negotiate for immortality. The film stars Justin Timberlake and has a few other interesting plot twists, but the over-arching theme is the idea of aging and mortality. Which got me thinking…

I’ll turn 38 years old in a couple of months. I definitely look 38 on the outside, but I still feel 18 on the inside (minus the extreme insecurities and placing even an ounce of relevance on what other people think). How can one possibly explain this 20 year disconnect? My wife always says she’s married to a child so perhaps my intellectual immaturity is the source of this physical / mental chasm? I also looked like I was 12 years old deep into college, so maybe in some way this extended period of pubescence altered my personal space / time continuum? (and allowed me to pull very little ass by the way) Or perhaps it’s just one of life’s many cruel realities? Whatever the case may be aging SUCKS. What follows are my top 10 gripes about getting old:

10) I’m sexually invisible to anyone under the age of 25. Don’t think I don’t notice you not noticing me, sweetheart. That’s right, just keep on walking while I cry myself to sleep on the inside.

9) Wrinkles (specifically crow’s feet in my case). If I had a time machine and could go back to when I was a teenager to tell my stupid self just one thing it would be… to wear some f*cking sunscreen you stubborn little shit (also to invest every dime I make into 3 company’s called Yahoo, Google, and Facebook – who knew?).

8) It’s 10:00 pm and I’ve just finished a nice dinner with friends. I have two choices: a) hit the clubs for more drinks / dancing, or b) go home and watch TV in bed. 10 out of 10 times I choose option b. Where’d my ‘fun’ go?

7) I spend more time shaving my back and ears than I do shaving my face. Seriously – where the f*ck did all this hair come from?

6) I can finally afford a sports car. But if I buy one now I’ll be the pathetic, mid-life crisis guy everyone points at and laughs.

5) I now have to work out three times as hard to look half as good as I did ten years ago. 3X = Y/2-10? Yup - the math just gets evil as the years go by.

4) My hair’s so gray I look like Phil Donahue (for the twenty-something set he was the king of daytime TV until Oprah ate him during a binge). I can’t even grow a damn beard without looking like Santa.

3) I have more in common with people who are 55 than I do with people who are 20. It’s true – do the math.

2) In just two short years a guy with a plastic glove will be shoving his hand up my ass. Where the hell did the time go?

1) I swear to God if one more snot-nosed waiter or waitress calls me sir, I’m coming over the f*cking table.

People always say you’re only as old as you feel. Oh yeah – bullshit.

Five People Who Need A Sock Full Of Nickels Upside The Head

2011-10-19T15:49:00.000-07:00

When did the American public’s fascination with half-witted, self-absorbed, no-talent hacks like you begin? And how do we make you go away?

Racial ambulance chasing just never gets old… but it does. Look up ‘tired act’ in the dictionary and there’s a picture of you, Al.

Really any of the current GOP presidential candidates could be inserted here (and I’m a registered Republican), but I picked you because you suck so damn bad at debating. I’m honestly a little embarrassed for you.

For wearing that dress at your age? Nope – for calling the Pope a nazi. What the hell were you thinking? The Catholic Church is like the Roman mafia – better watch your ass, Sarandon.

Not really a person but the Westboro Baptist Church is perhaps the most deserving candidate on the list. There’s a special place in hell for crazy, hate-mongering zealots like you.

Happy Wednesday from The Quinsey Blog

And We Have A New Nominee For Father Of The Year

2011-10-18T13:48:00.000-07:00

It's 39-year-old Shawn Weimer (pictured above) who faces charges of child abuse after making his 9-year-old daughter drive him to a service station because he was too drunk to take the wheel, police said. The outing was caught on tape by the station’s surveillance video, which shows the van pulling up to the station around 3 a.m. on Oct. 8, and Weimer walking in with his daughter.

Hmmm, drunk at 3:00 am with a hankering for a slurpee and nachos. How to get to convenient store? Think damn it, think. Wait a second, my 9-year-old daughter is sober. Bam - problem solved. Either he’s a drunken genius or the worst father in the history of time (probably both).

Weimer was arrested after police officers in Brownstown Township, southwest of Detroit, were alerted by a 911 call. “A child is driving and her dad is drunk and he’s in the passenger side,” the caller, who watched the girl get in the driver’s seat at the service station and pull the vehicle onto the road, told a 911 dispatcher. “Are you sure the child’s driving, sir?” the dispatcher asks the caller.

Can you really blame the dispatcher for questioning the authenticity of the call? We’re talking about Detroit – the meth capital of the Midwest.

When police stopped the car a few miles later, they were surprised to see the young girl really sitting behind the wheel, in a booster seat but still able to operate the van’s gas and brakes. They were even more surprised at the 9-year-old’s reaction. “She looks at the uniformed police officer, and says ‘What did you stop me for? I was driving good,’” Brownstown Detective Lt. Robert Grant said. The girl later told detectives that this wasn’t the first time her dad had her serve as his designated driver. “She explained to me that he did let her drive before,” Grant said. “On this night, she indicated, he was drinking whiskey and, for whatever reason, instead of the little girl being in bed at 3 a.m., he decided to go for a ride after drinking.”

Where to begin? First off whose idea was it to use a booster seat? “A” for resourcefulness and an “A+” for safety. You can never take safety too lightly in these situations. Secondly did she really say to the police officer, “What did you stop me for? I was driving good.” OMG – I think I love her. (first and last time in the history of this blog I’ll ever use the acronym OMG) Seriously though if she’s up for adoption, please send me the paperwork – I’m very interested. Lastly, how did she know he was drinking whiskey and not, say bourbon? This kid’s obviously a genius.

Officers described Weimer as “argumentative” in telling them he was just teaching his daughter to drive. Weimer and the girl’s mother are separated and she was spending the weekend with him.

Who doesn’t teach their 9-year-old how to drive at 3:00 in the morning after slamming down a bottle of Jack? And you’re separated from the girl’s mother? Shocker.

Weimer refused a Breathalyzer test and was arrested. He was charged with second- and fourth-degree child abuse, one a felony and the other a misdemeanor, for the Oct. 8 incident. He was also charged with being a habitual offender from previous convictions for unarmed robbery, felony firearm possession and receiving and concealing stolen property. He could face 15 years in prison if convicted. Weimer was also ordered to have no contact with his daughter, now back in the custody of her mother.

Let this be a warning to future mother’s everywhere. This is exactly the type of shit that happens when you procreate with a mutant like Shawn Weimer. Dollars for doughnuts the poor kid ends up a stripper. It would be sad if it wasn’t so funny.

What's Wrong With You China?

2011-10-18T09:14:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday, a two-year-old girl crossing the street by herself in the city of Foshan in China’s southern Guangdong Province, was hit by a van. The driver paused briefly as the defenseless child lay trapped between his front and rear wheels writhing in pain, then sped off, squashing her fragile body a second time.

Soon after a second vehicle rolled over the girl, flattening her tiny legs, the driver presumably unaware that a human body lay in the road. The second driver also did not stop.

As if both these assaults on humanity were not egregious enough, 18 more people – on foot, on motorbikes, and on bicycles – passed by the little girl, lying in a pool of her own blood, and did NOTHING. One man on a motor scooter had to swerve to avoid running over her twitching, mangled little body. Even a mother with her own child purposely ignored the victim.

A video of the incident captured by surveillance cameras was immediately posted on-line. Note: do yourself a favor and do NOT watch it. As a father and a human being I was absolutely sickened by the images of this helpless little girl fighting for her life, while callous on-lookers stood by and did nothing.

SEVEN minutes rolled by like an eternity until one Good Samaritan finally stepped up and took action. A woman collecting trash noticed the little girl lying broken in the street, picked up her now limp body, and moved her to the side of the road. She then asked passers-by who the girl belonged to, and eventually the mother appeared (distraught) to claim her daughter named Yueyue.

This story, which has been a leading headline on all of China’s news sites the past few days, touched a nerve in the country. Many have pointed to a lack of moral standards which have come to define modern day China, and a general disregard for fellow human beings now prevalent in the most populous country in the world.

When interviewed by police the first driver said, “If she is dead, I may pay only about 20,000 yuan (equivalent to $3,125 USD). But if she is injured, it may cost me hundreds of thousands yuan." You just fatally wounded a two-year-old child and you’re worried about money, you heartless piece of shit? If I ever get the opportunity to run you over with my car, I’m in.

Yueyue, meanwhile, is in critical condition with serious brain injuries, breathing only with the help of a ventilator. Doctors do not expect her to live.

Which begs the question: what’s wrong with you China? You’ve become the uncontested economic super power of the world but at what cost? Can we not deduce from this incident that you’re nothing more than a nation of 1.34 billion soulless robots, which lack the compassion and humanity to help a dying child in need? Shame on you people of Guangdong Province – you’re a disgrace to decent human beings everywhere. Rest assured absurdly large population of China, developers in hell are currently working overtime on expansion, so that they may accommodate your wayward spirits in the afterlife.

Success Is The Best Revenge

2011-10-14T12:19:00.000-07:00

I get it. Poverty is at its highest level since the early 1950’s. There aren't nearly enough high-paying jobs and wages are stagnant (the median full-time male worker earns just $48,000 a year, the same as in 1969 in real, inflation-adjusted terms). Home prices have dropped to 2003 levels and don’t show any signs of rebounding. Health care and education costs continue to skyrocket. The stock market is increasingly beguiled by billionaire hedge fund managers and Wall Street insiders who use their secret sauce (computer algorithms – think Moneyball only evil) to manipulate outcomes. Washington is a complete f*cking shit show. And all the while corporations are reaping record profits ($1.5 trillion a year) as the rich get richer. Make no mistake – we ARE heading for a new recession and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it. In other words we’re screwed.

So what’s the problem? While there are multiple structural problems with our economy, in the eye of the storm lies the high cost of U.S. labor. Job creation and wage growth have stalled as U.S. companies outsource and downsize to take advantage of cheap foreign labor. Companies have seen profits rise using low-cost manufacturing outlets in Asia to supply high-cost goods to Europe, the United States, and Japan. This shift in the power balance between workers and businesses is driving an unprecedented level of income inequality. As corporate profits swell the gap between the uber-rich and the rest of us widens, as the top 1% benefit from their large investment holdings. The fact that trading partners like China are playing dirty poker (holding down the value of their currency to make their exports artificially cheap) only compounds the problem. (Thank you China for kicking us while we’re down - don’t think we’ll forget about this when we’re back on top, you pinko commie bastards) The credit crisis, increasing debt (both public and private), and the steady decline of the American standard of living, all stem directly from this job and wage stagnation, among other things.

So how do we fix it? F*ck if I know. If I had all the answers I’d be one of the uber-rich myself. I do know this: taking a shit on the sidewalk in Zuccotti Park is not the answer. Something for you hippies to consider while you’re out there setting up camp and making those stupid, uninspired (yet amusing) picket signs: while the overall unemployment rate remains over 9%, there's a huge difference tied to education level. Among those with less than a high school diploma, unemployment stands at 14%. For those with a bachelor's degree or higher, it’s just 4.2%. So roll up your sleeping bags, stop feeling sorry for yourselves, take a f*cking shower for God’s sake, and go out and educate your misguided souls. I know - school’s not free but that’s what student loans are for (don’t worry it’s the next credit bubble waiting to burst, and eventually the government will pass a law giving the banks a tax break to forgive your student debt, so spend it like it’s not yours while there’s still time). Then once you have an over-priced, government-subsidized education the only thing keeping you from your piece of the pie will be… you. I hate to rain on your pity parade, but there’s no rescue party coming to hand you the things you think you deserve. You’ll actually have to work hard for that stuff - God forbid.

But what about the CEO’s and hedge fund managers getting uber-rich while the rest of us claw and scratch just to get by? Trust me, I’m just as pissed off as you are about corporate greed, government bailouts, and the overall sorry state of our economy. I could easily be discouraged and squat in the park with the rest of you losers, blaming my problems on someone else. But I choose a different path. I choose to wake up each and every day and think about one thing and one thing only – revenge. Why waste time despising the rich when I could instead invest my time trying to become one of them? With a positive attitude, an innovative spirit, and a relentless sense of resolve, ANYONE can crash their party. Why not me? Why not you? This is America for Christ's sake. I’m coming for my piece of the pie Wall Street, and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop me. No matter how shitty things get always remember: success is the best revenge. See you at the top, mother f*ckers.

The De-Evolution of Mankind

2011-10-11T13:59:00.000-07:00

If you really stop and think about it the human race is nothing short of miraculous. Out of the ashes we rose some 200,000 years ago (if you believe in the theory of evolution – if not you’re insane and I can’t help you) and have accomplished truly great things ever since. As I contemplate a random sampling of mankind’s greatest achievements, I can’t help but be moved and inspired:

• There are the philosophical teachings of Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle, whose influences molded and shaped science as we know it today

• The great literary works of William Shakespeare, who centuries before Freud and Jung, dissected human psychology presenting it as both comedy and tragedy

• There’s Stonehenge where enormous boulders weighing several tons each were stacked upon one another WITHOUT the aid of mechanical devices

• The Seven Wonders of the World including the Great Pyramid of Giza which literally defies modern science

• There’s the great innovator Louis Pasteur, who developed vaccines which significantly extended human life expectancy

• Newton’s laws of universal gravitation which took physics a giant leap forward into the future

• There’s the Declaration of Human Rights introduced by the U.S. Constitution, which forever changed the world and civilized society

• Einstein’s theory of relativity which completely revolutionized modern day physics

• There’s the Wright brothers who took to the sky and became the pioneers of powered flight

• And space travel which put the very first man on the surface of the moon

I know - It’s a lot to take in all at once. Your mind fills up like a balloon until you exhale and let it flow through you. Then the pride rushes in and you can’t help but feel gratitude to be part of the greatest species on earth…

Until you see a photo like this (sent to me by a buddy from his recent RV trip to San Diego) and it all goes to shit:

Seriously, who pissed in the gene pool? (At least he’s not a Republican)

Straight From The WTF Department: 'Hung' Star Thomas Jane Proclaims “I Had Sex With Men for Money”

2011-10-04T13:19:00.000-07:00

Thomas Jane casually tells the Los Angeles Times that as a struggling 18-year-old actor, he often performed sexual acts with other men in order to pay the bills.

Whoa, back up the truck. Did you just say that you OFTEN performed sexual acts with other men in exchange for money? I’m no Dr. Phil, but if I’m not mistaken I'm pretty sure you just outed yourself as a gay prostitute.

"As James Dean said, you're going to have one arm tied behind your back if you don't accept people's sexual favors," Jane explains.

Huh? I’m confused. How is ANYTHING James Dean ever said even remotely applicable to you being a gay hooker? I’m not following you, Tommy. Please elaborate.

"When I was a kid out here in L.A., I was homeless. I didn't have any money and I was living in my car," the actor recalls. "I wasn't averse to going down to Santa Monica Boulevard and letting a guy buy me a sandwich. Know what I mean?"

Um, a blow job for a sandwich? Yeah… no. I have no idea what you mean. I do know that’s completely disgusting and you’re a sick f*ck though.

The 42-year-old actor adds that the experience "blew the doors off my conventional upbringing" (no pun intended) and opened him up to new possibilities.

New possibilities? Like tea bagging George Michael in a public restroom at the beach? Seriously, what’s dirtier than a public restroom at the beach? Never mind, I just answered that.

"You're a lot more open to experimentation as a young man," he tells the newspaper. "And for me, being a young artist and broke in Los Angeles, I was exploring my sexual identity."

There you go playing the starving artist card. So f*cking predictable. News flash: being an “artist” doesn’t give you carte blanche to behave like a filthy pervert. What is it with you Hollywood types thinking you’re somehow above the laws of conventional society? I’m an actor so I can do whatever the f*ck I want and label it artistic expression – bullshit.

By the way the only acceptable form of someone “exploring their sexual identity” would involve two sorority sisters, a video camera, and copious amounts of alcohol. You getting poo-jammed by some random dude in an alley in exchange for a cheeseburger doesn’t even remotely qualify.

The actor, whose former wives include Ayesha Hauer and Patricia Arquette, doesn't regret his decision to dabble in same-sex relations.

Yeah, but I bet they regret ever marrying a twisted f*ck like you. I’m sorry Ayesha and Patricia, but there’ll be no shower hot enough or long enough to ever wash off the filth of this degenerate.

“Until you've tasted the food, you don't know whether you'll like it or not, as my mom always said," he says.

Wow, really? Did you really just quote your Mom when talking about your history as a gay prostitute? Mom must be so proud.

I’ll take a dick sandwich with a side of brown gravy please. (I know, I know that’s just childish - sorry I couldn’t resist)

Let me conclude this post by stating that I have no problem whatsoever with homosexuality in any way, shape, or form. I’m actually in favor of it. Diversity in all forms is a healthy paradigm for any society. I do however have a big problem with bisexual prostitution. Do you think Tom Brady would ever consider moonlighting for the New York Jets during his bye week? I think not. Pick a team people. Otherwise you’re just a depraved pervert – like Thomas Jane. Wow.

Count On Science To F*ck Up A Perfectly Good Excuse For Bad Behavior

2011-09-23T09:18:00.000-07:00

The following story appeared on MSNBC yesterday. I was intrigued by its premise so I gave it a read. I couldn’t help but chime in and give my two cents (in italics).

Blame it on the alcohol? Maybe not, study suggests

By Andrew Winner

It’s a trap that most of us have fallen into: making a rash or regrettable decision after a few cold Coors Lights. Blame it on the booze, right? A new study out of the University of Missouri College of Arts and Sciences sheds light on how the brain processes mistakes in the presence of alcohol.

After a few Coors Lights? Speak for yourself dude – any drinker worth his salt can down at least a dozen silver bullets without even getting buzzed (that’s why they call it Colorado water). You must be a pussy (with a name like Winner why am I not surprised). I can already tell you have no business writing this story.

In a finding that runs contrary to previous thinking, it turns out we still know we are making mistakes when intoxicated. We just don’t care as much.

Reminds me of the famous line from Office Space: “The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care”. Translated for applicability to this story: “It’s not that I actually find her attractive, it’s that I just don’t care.” Following me, Andy?

“I suppose the main implication is that people shouldn’t assume ‘I was drunk’ is a good excuse for doing things one knows he or she shouldn’t be doing,” wrote the study’s author, Dr. Bruce Bartholow of the University of Missouri, in an e-mail. The study will be published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology.

Doing stupid shit when you’re drunk? What’s abnormal about that?

“It’s not as though people do drunken things because they’re not aware of their behavior, but rather they seem to be less bothered by the implications or consequences of their behavior than they normally would be,” Bartholow added.

Yeah – haven’t you ever heard the phrase “it seemed like a good idea at the time”. Drunks invented that.

Bartholow set out to bring clarity to an area of ambiguity in brain research: Does the strength of the ERN – the error-related negativity “alarm signal” set off in the brain by mistakes – change with the presence of alcohol? Research out of the Netherlands in 2002 had concluded that intoxication reduced the brain’s capacity to detect errors.

Irresponsible drunks everywhere thank you, the Netherlands.

However, Bartholow’s study challenged that assumption by asking if it’s possible that the ability to detect errors actually remained the same – but alcohol changed the brain’s reaction to those errors.

Come on Bruce – that’s just crazy talk.

“I wondered whether alcohol's effects on error processing were less about reducing awareness of errors and more about reducing the distress that normally accompanies errors,” Bartholow said.

Another fine example of curiosity and science f*cking things up.

In the study, a group of 67 people aged 21-35 were split into three groups. While two of the three groups received a placebo alcohol (10-proof vodka-tonics), or just plain tonic, the third (lucky?) group received alcoholic beverages -- 100-proof vodka-tonics. The participants in the alcohol group got to a blood-alcohol level of about .09 percent -- just over the legal driving limit. The other two groups remained at a .00 percent blood-alcohol level throughout the study. All participants were then tasked with completing a challenging computer task.

Would surfing the net for porn be considered a challenging computer task?

Bartholow’s team noted that while all the groups made mistakes, those which had consumed alcohol were less likely to notice their errors. The alcohol drinkers were also less likely to slow down after an error.

Wait, you lost me. Are we talking about drunk sex or challenging computer tasks?

However, in addition to monitoring their performance on the computer, participants also measured the subjects’ mood. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the alcohol group reported feeling less negative. (Hilariously, the group which received the placebo had a more negative mood.) Using these measurements, Bartholow’s team was able to demonstrate a correlation between the mood of the participants and the strength of the ERN. A less negative mood equaled a less severe ERN.

Alcohol = happiness. Now you’re on to something science boy.

For the study author, the findings represent an important step in understanding how alcohol affects the brain – and the mistakes made by people who have had a couple brew-dogs. Further avenues of research could include testing whether drunk people can be sufficiently motivated to care about their mistakes (and if so, would their brain responses be similar to those of sober individuals).

Andrew, did you seriously just refer to beer as brew-dogs? Let me guess: you were head of the chess club in college, spent the better part of your 20’s living with mom & dad (playing World of Warcraft in their basement), didn’t get laid til your 30’s, and to this day secretly prefer wine coolers to beer? Okay, 3 out of 4 then? Delta Bravo city.

Also did you just say it would be a good idea to research whether drunk people can be motivated to care about their mistakes? I’ll save you some time here, Andy: No.

Another possible avenue Bartholow is pursuing is testing whether the error-related brain activity differences observed in the study will produce changes in other parts of the brain as people attempt to correct their mistakes. In what promises to be endless entertainment for the research assistants, Bartholow is pursuing the use of an fMRI (functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging – or scans that measure brain activity) machine to take measurements of the study participants.

Why bother? I say put down the microscope and have a cocktail, Bruce. While you’re stuck in your lab testing out stupid hypotheses no one gives a shit about, and Andrew’s holed up in his parent’s basement writing stupid articles on subject matter way outside of his wheelhouse, the rest of us are out here in the real world boozing it up, making bad decisions, and enjoying every minute of it.

The Words Behind The Music

2011-09-20T13:02:00.000-07:00

I used to listen to music without stopping to think about the meaning of the lyrics. If a song sounded pleasant or inspiring I just enjoyed it at face value and that was that. File it under the “ignorance is bliss” category I guess. Then I met my wife and my perspective changed completely. She’s one of those people who hears the lyrics of a song independent from the music, and can tell you exactly what it means after hearing it just once. My brain on the other hand doesn’t work that way. I have to concentrate like hell when I listen to a song, and in most cases need to listen to it several times before I’m able to decipher the lyrics. Even then I still can’t figure out what a song means most of the time (Are you human or are you dancer? What the f*ck am I supposed to do with that?). That’s why I really appreciate MTV’s “Storytellers” show where artists sing their songs while simultaneously breaking down what each line means. I’m often surprised and never would have grasped the artist’s intended meaning of their songs. I was recently listening to the Adele tune “Someone Like You” and was struck by an epiphany. In an instant I knew exactly what she was singing about, almost like the song was speaking to me. Below I’ve broken down the true meaning of “Someone Like You” section by section. I think you’ll be very surprised by what you’re about to read, especially considering how pleasant the song sounds on the surface.

Adele - "Someone Like You"

I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Translation: I facebooked stalked you. That was really dumb putting your home address in your profile.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

Translation: You look scared (you should be).

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Translation: The rope and duct tape are in the trunk. If you don’t come willingly I’m going to smother you with this ether-soaked rag and drag you to my car.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.

Translation: By someone like you I mean you. After you’ve been locked in a cage in my basement for the next month I’m sure you’ll come around. What? There’s a fine line between love and hurt (it says so in the chorus).

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday it was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

Translation: You were into me when I was young and skinny. Unfortunately the years haven’t been so kind. Don’t worry – it’s pretty dark in the basement.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over, yeah.

Translation: This is the part where you try to run away and I stun you with my taser gun.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

Translation: Don’t look so panicked – I’m sure your wife will find somebody else after you’ve been missing long enough.

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Translation: Bittersweet for you. For me this is actually quite enjoyable, me being a crazy stalker and all.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.

Translation: Oh shit, is that police sirens?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

Translation: Not so tight on those handcuffs. I can’t believe your bitch wife called the cops. “I’ll remember” this asshole. I’m coming after both of you once I break out of the loony bin.

Wow – that’s some pretty disturbing shit, Adele. Who knew?

Charlie Sheen Remix

2011-09-19T07:45:00.000-07:00

We all remember the epic Charlie Sheen meltdown from earlier this year. It was stuff of legend. Now he’s back and the new, “mellower” Charlie Sheen is well… dull. In honor of the “winning” Charlie Sheen of old I thought I would post some of his greatest hits for your viewing pleasure. Come on Charlie – coke up or hooker up or do whatever the hell you need to do to freak out again. Bottom line our country’s pretty f*cked up right now and we could all really use the distraction. Plus this new Charlie’s just a bunch of bullshit – own it.

On haters: "Look what I'm dealing with, man. I'm dealing with fools and trolls. I'm dealing with soft targets, and it's just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee … they lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, 'I can't process it.' Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show."

On ex-boss Chuck Levine: "I'm tired of being told 'You can't talk about that, you can't talk about that.' Bull S-H-I-T. There's something this side of deplorable that a certain Chaim Levine — yeah, that's Chuck's real name — mistook this rock star for his own selfish exit strategy, bro. Check it: I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his unevolved mind cannot process. Last I checked, Chaim, I spent close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold. And the gratitude I get is this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write. Clearly someone who believes he's above the law."

On his own greatness: "I'm sorry, man, but I've got magic. I've got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time — and this includes naps — I'm an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground."

On the making of Major League 3: "Whatever … If they want me in it, it's a smash. If they don't, it's a turd that opens on a tugboat."

On drugs (literally I’m guessing): "If you love with violence and you hate with violence, there's nothing that can be questioned. People say, 'Oh, you'd better work through your resentments.' Yeah, no. I'm gonna hang on to them, and they're gonna fuel my attack. And they're going to fuel the battle cry of my deadly and dangerous and secret and silent soldiers. Because they're all around you. Sorry, you thought you were just messing with one dude. Winning."

On even harder drugs (maybe, probably): "Guys, it's right there in the thing, duh! We work for the Pope, we murder people. We're Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be? What they're not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes."

On addiction: "It's the work of sissies. The only thing I'm addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math … another one of their mottoes is 'Don't be special, be one of us.' Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you! I have a disease? Bullshit! I cured it with my brain, with my mind. I cured it, I'm done … you don't look like you're having a lot of fun. I'm gonna hang out with these two smoking hotties and fly privately around the world. It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view!"

On one of our founding fathers: "I'm not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy."

Where have you gone manic Charlie Sheen? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you. #WINNING!

Beware The Celebridouche

2011-09-14T08:29:00.000-07:00

Here’s a litmus test for all celebrities out there. If a given behavior would not be deemed acceptable for a member of the general public, then it’s probably not acceptable for you either. Or is it?

Seriously, do celebrities receive a memo once they’ve reached a certain level of wealth and fame stating that the rules of society no longer apply to them? Welcome to the club: commence the debauchery, depravity, and any other selfish perversity that you so desire. It’s not only tolerated, it’s encouraged.

Let’s look at a few examples:

I recently read that Katy Perry doesn’t allow her chauffeur to look at her in the rear view mirror while he’s driving her around town. If I catch you eye f*cking me one more time I swear to God I’ll strangle you to death with this pointy bra.

Apparently Katy Perry and Barbara Streisand are cut from the same cloth, as Babs notoriously makes hotel workers enter and leave her room backwards, so as not to look at her directly. Turn the f*ck around asshole. I don’t care if you’re bumping into shit. I told you not to f*cking look at me.

Justin Timberlake (who seems like a cool ass dude BTW) apparently has a similar regard for hotel personnel as his staff strictly forbids hotel staff from addressing him under ANY circumstances. What the f*ck did you just say to me? I already told you dude, if you have something to say you f*cking say it to the entourage, not me. Got it, genius?

Don’t get me wrong not every celebrity is a celebridouche (I just made that shit up - trending today on Twitter? #celebridouche – one can dream) but here’s a few who are:

While on set Jessica Alba demands that no one look at her, walk near her, or take her picture. She also refuses to let extra’s eat the same food as SAG members. Hey asshole, are you as pretty as me? Damn straight you’re f*cking not, so put down that sandwich and go eat the ugly people food over there.

Mariah Carey insists that her hotel suite be fitted with gold faucets, a new toilet seat must be installed before her arrival, and her own bed linens are delivered in advance. Also both Carey and her dog will only bathe in French mineral water. What the f*ck, this mineral water’s not from France. I explicitly told you I wanted FRENCH mineral water. And while you’re out fetch me two dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts and a large pepperoni pizza, you incompetent assf*ck.

But the biggest celebridouche of them all? That would be zombie-dude marrying Jennifer Lopez, whose hotel suite MUST be painted and furnished completely in white with white lilies and white roses (her favorite flowers). White candles must also be prominently placed, preferably with Paris perfume, “Diptyque.” Her sheets must be of Egyptian cotton with a thread count of at least 250, and the room temperature must be set to EXACTLY 25.5 degrees Celsius. Hey f*cknut, what does that thermostat say? 25.4? And what did I specifically ask for? Say it with me - twenty five point f*cking five. So f*cking fix it asshole… now!

It really goes beyond the quirks and unreasonable demands though. The celebridouche lives a completely different lifestyle than the rest of us, and is able to get away with shit that you and I could never pull off. Hell - they don’t just get away with it, they’re celebrated for it.

For example Jennifer Aniston (who I have a big crush on) has literally nailed every eligible bachelor in Hollywood. In the real world she’d be considered a round-heeled whore. In the celebrity world though she’s America’s sweetheart.

And what about John Mayer sticking it to 17-year old Taylor Swift (I have no idea how old she actually is but she looks 17)? In the real world he’d be condemned as a pedophile. But in the celeb world? A harmless playboy.

Same story with George Clooney. Dude’s banged pretty much everything not nailed to the floor in Hollywood. He’s a serial f*ck-and-chuck’er. In the celeb world? Only the “sexiest man alive”.

And what about Michael Jackson? When he was alive he was literally a child molester (allegedly). In death however he’s been deified by the very industry he helped build. All hail Saint Michael, we forgive you.

It really doesn’t seem fair that fame and wealth give you a flyer on ethics, morality, and a general respect for your fellow man. But somehow it seems they do.

Once I’m rich and famous can you guess what my thing’s going to be? …Midgets of course (what else?). Hotel managers of the world listen up. There better be a midget butler and maid in every f*cking suite I stay in or I swear to God I’ll go diva on your ass and f*cking shit can the place.

Seacrest out.

Fat hookers, honest politicians, and monogamous ballplayers…

2011-08-26T08:54:00.000-07:00

What are things that don’t go together?

Correct, we also would have accepted: things that make you go hmmm.

Which brings me to several recent events in the news that can’t help but make you go hmmm.

First off who goes to Aruba with a creepy, old man they met on the internet? I’m not saying it’s Robyn Gardner’s fault she was murdered (allegedly), but a red flag had to go up when the creeper took out a $1.5 million insurance policy on the life of a traveling companion he barely knew. Furthermore did she not see ANY of the Natalee Holloway case coverage 5 years ago? Aruba has become the Bermuda f*cking triangle for attractive blondes. I really hope they find her, but it’s not looking good.

Next topic - is Michele Bachmann REALLY a legitimate candidate for the GOP presidential nomination? She’s not just crazy folks, she’s bat shit crazy.

Speaking at the EdWatch National Education Conference she said: “Don’t misunderstand. I am not here bashing people who are homosexuals, who are lesbians, who are bisexual, who are transgender. We need to have profound compassion for people who are dealing with the very real issue of sexual dysfunction in their life and sexual identity disorders.”

Let me get this straight. The Catholic Church has come out and said it’s okay with gay marriage yet Bachmann still views homosexuality as a disease requiring treatment? So God’s okay with homosexuality but Bachmann’s not which can mean only one thing… she’s the devil. Don’t vote for her, seriously.

And why is Anthony Bourdain so angry? He recently came out and publicly ripped the beloved chefs of the Food Network.

About Paula Deen he said: "The worst, most dangerous person to America is clearly Paula Deen. She revels in unholy connections with evil corporations and she's proud of the fact that her food is f--king bad for you [...] plus, her food sucks."

That’s Paula freaking Deen dude – she’s the southern grandma we all wish we had. Plus I hear she’s friends with Oprah so you better watch your ass, man.

Lastly did anyone else happen to catch the Parade list of top celebrity earners? Not too many surprises at the top of the list (Oprah Winfrey - $315 million, Beyonce - $87 million, Jay-Z - $63 million, Lady Gaga - $62 million, Sandra Bullock - $56 million), but then I got to Ryan Seacrest, the host of American Idol. Dude made $51 million last year! Holy shit! Ryan f*cking Seacrest! $51 million dollars! Did I read that right? He’s pretty, he’s got a hot girlfriend, he speaks clearly, but $51 million? The Don himself only pulled down a paltry $50 million. Seacrest out-earning Trump? This can only mean one thing… the Apocalypse is upon us. Watch out for raining toads.

Hunting Season Has Officially Opened In The Seychelles, On The Menu: Euros

2011-08-18T11:06:00.000-07:00

A shark attack in the Seychelles left a British honeymooner dead and the island nation shaken as family members and local officials coped with the second deadly attack this month. The shark struck on Tuesday while Ian Redmond, 30, snorkeled 20 yards from the shore at around 4:30 p.m. local time, witnesses said. A dingy brought the wounded man ashore alive, but emergency personnel could not save him. Redmond reportedly suffered bites on his legs and chest and lost an arm in the attack.

Earlier this month, a French tourist, Nicolas Francois Virolle, 36, bled to death after a shark attack in the same area, leading to speculation that one animal may be responsible for both incidents. Experts say it is unlikely that the same shark is responsible for both attacks, but it is possible.

Seychelles’ officials rushed to allay fears about the unprecedented second fatal attack in less than a month by calling the animal “foreign.” “The Seychelles is really innocent in this drama,” the country’s tourism board director, Alain St Ange, told BBC News. “It is a foreign shark... it is a rogue shark that has caused a freak accident.” I love how he blames a “foreign shark” for the attacks - as opposed to the local ‘friendly’ ones? (Um yeah - besides their surly temperament, rows of razor sharp teeth, and voracious appetite for live flesh, I’m sure they’re perfectly harmless Alain)

Experts from South Africa were en route to assist the search for the killer shark in wake of the tragedy, which threatens one of the Seychelles’ most important industries, tourism. Prior to August, there had not been a reported shark-related fatality in the Seychelles, famous for its idyllic beaches and pristine waters, since 1963, the BBC reported. So why two attacks within the same month after nearly 50 years of silence? Well, it could indeed be a rogue shark, but I of course have a few other theories:

• They, like any decent human being with even a fraction of good taste, are completely appalled by the sight of speedos (note to Euros at beaches and swimming pools across the world: looking at your junk vacuum packed in spandex will never be anything less than disgusting)

• They were turned off by your snooty Euro accents (Oh yeah, you think you’re better than me? -insert biting sounds here- How you like me now?)

• You were infringing on their personal space (What? You do it at Disneyland, Seaworld, Universal Studios, and every other popular tourist destination I’ve ever visited in the United States, so why not in the Indian Ocean as well?)

• You were stanking up their hood (yes, one shower a week is entirely unacceptable, even for sharks)

• They’re mad as hell and they’re not gonna take it anymore (a la Peter Finch from the 1976 movie “Network” – a classic)

• Hello, they’re flesh eating predators and you were snorkeling during feeding time, dumbass

In summary I have a very hard time feeling sorry for Ian Redmond or Nicolas Francois Virolle. Were their deaths tragic? Sure. Do I feel for their families left behind? Absolutely. But consider this: humans kill upwards of 100 million sharks every year, while sharks kill just a handful of humans each year. We are evil. They are hungry. Can you really blame them? Long live sharks.

How Marriage Differs From Dating: A Dozen Matrimonial Anomalies Exposed

2011-08-15T14:00:00.000-07:00

Let me preface this post by stating that I’m married to the most beautiful, intelligent, loving, empathetic, tolerant woman on the planet and I’m lucky to have her. In gambling terms I hit the jackpot. I say this to reinforce the point that I’m 100% satisfied in my marriage. Proactive damage control in case my flower actually reads this? Perhaps but she’s not a fan (of the blog not me) so it’s as much a proclamation of my affirmative stance on marriage as it is a figurative ass kissing. I’m no expert on the subject of dating (met my wife at the tender age of 21 so my dating experience is not nearly as extensive as most) but I do consider myself an expert on marriage (going on 14 years of wedded bliss and counting). I also have a group of friends who stayed single into their late 20’s / early 30’s (there’s even one wily hold-out who shows no signs of blinking – love you Temple), so I do have a fair amount of vicarious dating familiarity to call upon. Add it up and I’ve discovered some vast differences in the relationships of people who are dating versus those who are married, outside of the obvious stuff (the death of blow jobs, chivalry, civility, etc.). Keep in mind as you read through the list that these observations are strictly from a man’s perspective as I don’t even pretend to understand women and I probably never will.

1) In a marriage sex becomes a strange sort of currency that can be bartered to get what you want:

- Foot rub for sex?
- How long are we talking?
- 15 minutes on each foot.
- 10.
- Done.

2) Once married you no longer even try to lie because you know she’ll see right through it. Instead you’re forced to be honest and then police yourself:

How many beers did I have at the game? Um, 8 in the parking lot and then 4 more in the stadium. Do I think that’s excessive? Absolutely, no drinking for me for the rest of the weekend.

3) Post nuptial nights out with your single buddies? Not happening – they’re a “bad influence”

4) The window between the verbal (as in verbal confirmation of sex) and the actual coital relations becomes a tenuous time when you try your hardest to avoid saying anything that will cause your flower to change her mind:

Come on brain you heard her, we’re in – don’t do anything stupid to fuck this up

(Note: I find it best not to talk at all during this fragile timeframe)

5) Zero to crazy isn’t the least bit unsettling (like when you were casually dating) – it’s a normal monthly occurrence

6) Farting and burping out loud is completely acceptable (at least in your mind), unless of course you’re in the verbal sex window (see item #4 above)

7) Once married you find yourself making calculated decisions on what is and isn’t dog house worthy:

Scenario #1: Pre-season game versus couples bridal shower (who does those?)

Your Response: Matching outfits, dear?

Scenario #2: Playoff game versus niece’s dance recital

Your Response: The guest room will be just fine tonight, honey. Go Chargers!!!

8) After marriage listening becomes extremely difficult especially when the TV’s on (seriously it might be a medical condition in my case)

9) You find yourself encouraging girls only trips for your wife and her friends, as jealousy gives way to sweet retribution (translation: girls only trip = guys only trip when she gets back)

10) Foreplay? What’s that?

11) Taking part in activities you have no interest in is now a matter of free will (see item #7 above for definition of ‘free will’):

You got tickets to the ballet? No thanks – take the kids. The guest room bed is actually quite comfortable

12) Taking a stand and winning an argument? Not really worth it. Just tell her she’s right and go for the verbal

Sorry ladies but I’m already taken (my wife is such a lucky woman).

Life Lessons: A Mission Statement (sort of)

2011-07-25T15:24:00.000-07:00

I was at Starbucks the other day (okay everyday) and some lady was hogging up the cream/sugar area - had her fat ass parked right in the middle of the stand and was in no hurry to finish up while ten other people (including myself) waited patiently behind / around her to jack up their joe. How long does it take to cream/sugar your coffee anyway? She didn’t even have a fucking coffee – had one of those milkshake concoctions masquerading as coffee (just what her huge ass needed – more empty calories). Anyways it got me thinking about how fucking rude and self-centered people generally are these days (as opposed to the “good old days” I’m always hearing about – which may very well be a myth / urban legend like Bigfoot, UFO’s, and blowjobs after marriage). I digress… where was I again? Oh yeah, it’s not all about you bitch – how about some consideration for your fellow man? As I fixed up my coffee and did my best to give her the stank eye as she exited the building, I started to think about basic things people could do to make life more pleasant for everyone. I then noticed a “mission statement” on the wall of Starbucks and decided I would write a mission statement for living a happier, more fulfilling life. What started out as a mission statement got rather lengthy and soon turned into more of a list. It’s not all encompassing by any means – just a stream of consciousness of simple things people could do on an everyday basis to make life better for them and the people around them. Here's what I ended up with:

Life Lessons: A Mission Statement (sort of)

1) Don’t talk about yourself too much, unless your name’s Oprah you’re not that big of a deal

2) Keep your vanity in check, remember metrosexual is just another word for gay

3) Give people the benefit of the doubt and try to see the good in them (even though sometimes it just ain’t there)

4) Don’t care so much what other people think, embrace your individuality

5) Listen intently when others are speaking, don’t interrupt

6) Be honest with yourself and the people around you

7) Remember: wearing a Bluetooth headset is no different than wearing a nametag that says, Hi my name is… douche bag

8) Practice moderation in all aspects of your life, don’t let one think dominate your existence

9) Think of others before yourself, nobody likes a selfish asshole

10) Don’t forget to spend time with your older relatives, you’ll miss them when they’re gone

11) Always put your wife before your Mom. One can give you a guilt trip, the other can withhold sex – no brainer

12) Be a good friend, call or write for no reason whatsoever

13) Keep the fun lamp lit, if you’re not having any fun what’s the point?

14) Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, but be sure to learn from them when you do

15) Keep an even keel, avoid the high-highs and the low-lows

16) Have opinions but keep them to yourself

17) Use people’s first names on a regular basis, behold the power of acknowledgement

18) Call in sick every once in a while, unless of course nobody will miss you when you’re gone (in that case you better show up early and stay late)

19) Words to live by: just because you can doesn’t mean you should

20) Remove the word “hate” from your vocabulary, unless you’re talking about TJ Simers - I hate that guy

21) Remember that spontaneous road trips are always a good idea

22) Laugh often and look for reasons to celebrate (keep a bottle of champagne in the fridge at all times just in case)

23) Be self aware, know your strengths but more importantly know your weaknesses

24) Lead with actions not words

25) Never tolerate racism, prejudice, or bigotry of any kind, and don’t hang around people who do

26) Don’t fixate on death, live in the moment and appreciate the time you do have

27) Learn to embrace fear, fear more than anything inspires greatness

28) Never feel sorry for yourself or expect anyone else to either (boo fuckin hoo – get over it)

29) Don’t get bogged down in the details, stay focused on the big picture

30) Never make important decisions on Mondays (when you’re too depressed) or Fridays (when you’re too happy)

31) Don’t make excuses or blame others for your problems, own your shit

32) Play the hand you were dealt – never spend time dwelling on the things you don’t have

33) Realize that perfection is a myth

34) Regularly show gratitude to the people around you and don’t be stingy with compliments

35) Experiences trump possessions so don’t be a slave to yours

36) Don’t hit “Reply to All” on e-mail unless it’s appropriate or necessary to do so (which is RARELY the case)

37) Build a portfolio of unique experiences, just because you’re average doesn’t mean you have to live a life full of average experiences

38) Sex tape = bad idea (always)

39) Get informed, ignorance and apathy are very unattractive qualities

40) Give yourself something to look forward to (always have a vacation on the books)

41) Don’t push your lifestyle choices or your religious beliefs on others, if it’s good for you that’s good enough

42) Never become complacent with any aspect of your life

43) Be cautious to give advice, even if somebody asks you for it

44) Don’t ignore your ethnic background but don’t let it define you either

45) Remember: you can never use too many sports analogies

46) Strong body = strong mind, get your sorry ass to the gym

47) Always cook with a cocktail in hand

48) Don’t give more information than necessary, less is more

49) Get outside and experience nature as often as possible, remember cages come in all different sizes and shapes

50) Marry someone who’s your moral superior, it will increase your chances of getting into heaven

In summary just be cool and remember that it’s not all about you.

Now if only I could start following my own advice…

On Death and Dying

2011-07-21T16:28:00.000-07:00

I’m 37 years old which is way too young to be thinking about death, right? I’ve now lost 3 friends under the age of 40 within the past 6 months so I’m starting to wonder. To clarify none of them were close friends – just people I’d spent time with at some point in my life. Honestly if not for Facebook I probably would’ve lost touch with them all years ago. Not because I didn’t like them or have anything in common with them, but because after marriage and children life tends to get in the way of old friendships. Given the passive nature of our current relationships the news of each death while shocking wasn’t something that rocked me to the core. Instead each time I was left with a quiet sadness to reflect upon the brief moments we’d shared. I definitely feel sorry that I’ll never see them again, but I’m more saddened for the young families that each left behind. I guess I need to face it – life is fleeting. And whether we like it or not we have little to no control over when it’s our time to go. As I somberly looked through the Facebook profiles of Brian, Justin, and Christine, and read through the notes of sympathy left behind on their walls (I know, it seems strange to talk about FB profiles and wall messages at a time like this, but I guess this is our new reality) I was struck by a couple of quotes from Justin and Christine:

From Christine Cook Gajda who bravely battled breast cancer before succumbing to the disease on July 17, 2011: "I just wish everyone had my perspective...don't sweat the small stuff...it’s all so insignificant...it all doesn't mean anything when it comes down to it. Just appreciate all the people you love and leave behind the ones that cause strife...there's no time for that."

From Justin Yates who tragically died in a plane crash on June 1, 2011: “Life is like the weather. One day it's Sunshine and Blue Skies and the next day it's Thunderstorms, Rain, and Wind and then back to sunshine and blue skies. No matter what you are going through.......just know that sunshine and blue skies are right around the corner. We have to appreciate the dark to enjoy the light.”

I was moved by their words and just wanted to share. I’m convinced now more than ever that life is beautiful, and we should enjoy every minute. I tend not to get too serious on this blog but there’s a time and a place for everything. Three bright stars who burned out far too soon. RIP my friends.

How Coed Softball is Like Life

2011-07-18T10:08:00.000-07:00

My wife and I started an adult coed softball team last year and it’s been quite the experience. Being new to the process we decided it would be a good idea to join a competitive league. Every member of our team is in relatively good shape and has a background in athletics so how hard could it be, right? After being “mercy’d” (a game is called when one of the teams is losing by 15 or more runs after the 4th inning) in our first two games we quickly realized that the teams in the competitive leagues mean business, coed or not. Heading into game #3 we changed our team name to “No Mercy” (you see what we did there? very clever, I know) and haven’t been mercy’d since. The fact that we started practicing and knocked the rust off our bats and gloves didn’t hurt either. While humbling in the beginning competitive coed softball has turned out to be a very rewarding experience and we now spend every week looking forward to Friday nights (game night). Some nights we’re able to recapture shades of glory’s past… and some nights we just look old. But regardless every night we have a lot of fun and we learn something about ourselves and about life. What follows are 15 ways that coed softball is like life:

1) If you’re going to draw attention to yourself you better be able to back it up

2) The fit people tend to perform better and have longer playing careers

3) When you make an error your wife is always the first person to pile on and give you shit

4) It’s way more fun to play when you’re drunk

5) Swinging for the fences almost always results in an out

6) Winning matters – losers stay home for the playoffs

7) The hot chicks get all the attention

8) Youth has its moments but experience prevails in the end

9) If you don’t take an at bat you have absolutely zero chance of getting a hit

10) Sometimes you fall down and you’ve got to dust yourself off and get up (except for that fat lady who broke her arm a couple weeks ago – she got carted off on a stretcher)

11) Differences are best worked out at the bar after the game is over

12) Nobody remembers what you did the game before – to stay great you’ve got to prove yourself every week

13) If you don’t plan ahead there’s a slim chance you’ll make the right decision in the heat of the moment

14) There’ll always be some asshole you want to punch in the face

15) Losing f*cking sucks

And there you have it. Sport imitating life one high-arching, slow pitch at a time. See you on the diamond.

Observations from Cabo

2011-07-14T14:59:00.000-07:00

Spent the better part of the past two weeks in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, and now I’m back home suffering from a major vacation hangover. God I love Cabo. The weather is perfect, the scenery is beautiful, the fish are gigantic, the people are hospitable, and most everything is reasonably priced (relative to other resort destinations). It’s why I come back every summer. For all its glory though Cabo does have some quirks. In no particular order of importance what follows are my observations from Cabo.

1) Why is the price of everything in Cabo negotiable? Can you imagine walking into the Gap in America and haggling with the sales lady over the price of a pair of khaki’s? $50 dollars? No, I’m sorry that’s too much – I’ll give you $40 plus you throw in a pair of cargo shorts… and some chicle (I love that shit).

2) How come the cabbies in Cabo never carry any change and when they do it’s inevitably in pesos? Um, I’m no math major Jose but I’m pretty sure you owe me more than 20 pesos considering I just gave you $20 USD for a $7 cab ride. Nothing like ripping off the drunk Americans, I guess.

3) Why is the music played in every Cabo bar and restaurant always 20-30 years old? No offense to Brian Adams, Rick Springfield, or the Miami Sound Machine but come on. Would someone please enlighten the good people of Cabo that they can download CURRENT songs from iTunes for just $.99 a pop?

4) Why is the first thing they always show you at a Cabo car rental place where the spare tire and jack are located in your vehicle? I’ve rented a car in America at least a hundred times and not once have they shown me where the spare tire and jack are located. I always laugh and say but I’m sure we won’t need it, right? And they always smile back with the same sheepish grin – you’re screwed gringo.

5) How were the Cabo contractors / construction workers able to build a five star resort into the side of a solid rock mountain (Capella at Pedregal) including a lighted tunnel right through the bottom of the f*cking mountain, but they were unable to build streets with drainage? On the third morning of our trip it rained about a quarter of an inch and no lie every street in downtown Cabo had 2 feet of standing water for the rest of the day.

6) I know the term “Mexican minute” exists for a reason but does it really need to take two hours to serve me tacos and beer? What the hell are you doing back there anyway?

7) I’m fascinated to know if there’s a pecking order of seniority amongst the multitude of beach vendors? For example do the newbies get stuck lugging around blankets, ponchos, and heavy pottery while the seasoned vets get to rifle through friendship bracelets and those light-up-shoot-em-in-the-sky-thingies? Seriously – who’s gonna buy a blanket or a poncho when it’s 105 degrees outside, and what the hell are you going do with a ceramic salad bowl while you’re snorkeling and jet-skiing on the beach?

8) Why are there no child labor laws in Mexico? My daughter wanted beaded braids in her hair and I swear the little girl who put them in was like 5 years old. Not really sure if a Mexican parent’s motivation is to grow their family or their workforce.

9) Of the 3 channels broadcasting American television I'd be curious to know who's making the programming decisions. "Friends", "The Simpsons", and a show called "The Doctors" run on a continuous 24-hour loop. Is this bizarre grouping what they think is representative of American culture? I didn't even know "The Doctors" was a real show until I saw it on Mexican television.

10) How come everyone in Cabo’s an activities broker? The slime bag dudes pimping time shares at the airport, the fast talking guy with the bullhorn at the marina, the “concierge” at the hotel, the dude selling pineapple on the beach, the checker at the grocery store – they all want to “hook you up” with an activity whether it’s swimming with dolphins, zip lining across a desert valley, deep sea fishing, or under water basket weaving – you name it they’ve got access to it, and everyone wants a cut. Strange.

11) Speaking of strange if Mexico’s supposed to be so dangerous nowadays why has absolutely nothing changed in Cabo over the past 10 years (outside of the explosive development)? This was the tenth summer in a row I've taken my family to Cabo for vacation and never once for a even a single second have we felt threatened for our safety (less the time I drank a glass of ghost pepper habanero sauce but that's a different story). Don’t buy into the hype people – Cabo’s just as great and safe as ever. Being the furthest point south from the Mexican / American border certainly doesn't hurt either.

Until next year Cabo. Estancia de oro mi amigo.

Life Lessons from Bed, Bath, and Beyond

2011-06-23T10:37:00.000-07:00

I was running errands with my wife the other day and she needed some things from Bed, Bath, and Beyond. While she shopped for the specific items on her list I wandered around aimlessly (as usual). After browsing through sixteen aisles of useless kitchen utensils and the “as seen on TV section” (I love that shit) I began to notice a trend. It seems to me that manufacturers these days are starting to pander to the inherent laziness in most Americans. And to blind unsuspecting consumers from this nefarious agenda they market their products under the guise of convenience.

For example I found this gem somewhere amongst the sixteen aisles of useless kitchen shit:

A banana slicer, really? Because cutting a banana with a knife is so difficult?

I found two more examples within the “as seen on TV section” (which I love – did I already mention that?):

Booty-licious. The perfect gift for the flat-butted Caucasian.

A body shaper? No, it’s a f*cking girdle. My great grandmother used to wear those in the 70’s (that time I walked in on her changing is still burned into the back of my corneas – make it stop Nana, make it stop).

I know everyone’s busy and there never seems to be enough time in a day to get shit done, but I fear that products such as these are perpetuating a society full of fat, lazy slugs. Why go to the gym to firm up your ass when you can shove a rubber insert into your pants instead? Why worry about losing weight when you can just hide your muffin tops with elastic nylon and spandex? The lady in the Kymaro Body Shaper infomercial (playing on TV next to display) literally said “you can keep your doughnuts” as part of her sales pitch. How f*cking pathetic is that? The smoke and mirrors approach may be perfectly acceptable in business and politics but this paradigm does NOT apply to health and fitness. Don’t buy into my hypothesis? Take a look around - over the past 20 years the obesity rate in the United States has skyrocketed to a whopping 25%. It’s time to stop buying short cuts people and get your asses to the gym.

Otherwise you could end up looking like this:

Nooooooooo!!! (love you Rosie)

BTW if you’re wondering if I felt like a dumbass snapping pictures of random shit in Bed, Bath, and Beyond the answer is yes, I did.

New York Yankees Come Out, Declare Selves Gayest Franchise In Sports

2011-06-21T15:50:00.000-07:00

BRONX, New York – In a surprising development the New York Yankees have come out and declared themselves the gayest franchise in sports. “We’re here and we’re queer,” exclaimed a reverent Derek Jeter, starting SS and Yankees team captain. Jeter spoke with a deference we haven’t seen since the Yankees last World Series title in 2009, “We’ve been keeping this a secret for far too long. It’s time that the world knows us for who we truly are which is the gayest franchise in professional sports, no disrespect to any of the WNBA teams out there.” When asked about the revolving door of super models and hot movie stars romantically linked to himself and teammate Alex Rodriguez, Jeter responded while winking at Rodriguez, “Only the most elaborate beard ever. A big thanks to the media for helping us pull it off.”

Yankees GM Brian Cashman has often been criticized for having the easiest job in sports given the seemingly bottomless budget he has to work with. A combative Cashman lashed out at reporters, “Do you think it was easy to assemble the most talented group of homosexuals on the planet?” It also wasn’t cheap as the Yankees sport baseball’s highest payroll at $203 million, a whopping $167 million higher than the team with the lowest payroll (the Kansas City Royals). “Give me some f*cking credit for once,” proclaimed an agitated Cashman before exiting the room.

“We can finally drink our post game wine coolers in peace”, exclaimed 1B and MVP candidate Mark Teixeira. He went on to say, “The guys in Texas, Atlanta, and Anaheim (his former teams) just didn’t get me. Here in New York the other players love me, sometimes literally,” he added with a naughty smile.

When asked how he planned to celebrate his 3000th career hit (he’s currently just 6 hits shy of the milestone) Jeter paused to collect himself before responding, “Two words: CIRCLE JERK. It took a full team effort to get me here so I intend to include ALL of my teammates in the celebration.” The team broke into applause before starting pitcher and Cy Young candidate CC Sabathia yelled out in a jovial tone, “I call pivot man – y’all know I have the best arm on the team.” And the most expensive – Sabathia is currently in the 3rd year of a $161 million contract. 2B Robinson Cano grabbed the microphone and playfully declared, “Bears are the best. Watch out Boston - we’ll get Big Papi Bear over here one of these years - you’ll see. Hey hey hey (snapping three times in a Z formation).” Rodriguez interjected, “Don’t be such a queen, Robi.” Which prompted Jeter to retort, “Takes one to know one.” And the whole team broke into spontaneous (gay) laughter.

When asked what comes next for the proud franchise with a record 27 world titles manager Joe Girardi responded, “After we win the World Series for the 28th time I’ve promised these bitches pink alternates.” We’ll all hold our collective breath in anticipation of those beauties.

The New York Yankees, gay as the day is long. Who knew?

Junrey Balawing Declared (New) World’s Shortest Man

2011-06-15T13:05:00.000-07:00

SINDANGAN, Philippines — A Guinness World Records representative has declared Junrey Balawing, the son of a poor Filipino locksmith, who measured 23.5 inches tall as the world's shortest man. Is it wrong that I want to swaddle him up and carry him around on my back a la Luke and Yoda?

Guinness official Craig Glenday says Balawing, who turned 18 on Sunday, broke the record of Khagendra Thapa Magar of Nepal, who is 26.4 inches tall. Magar reportedly threw an adorable little temper tantrum upon hearing the news. The announcement drew a loud applause from Balawing's parents and townmates in Zamboanga del Norte's remote Sindangan township in the southern Philippines, who showered the new celebrity with a feast, a cake, balloons and cash gifts. Balawing thanked the crowd and posed for pictures (the cutest pictures EVER).

According to Balawing’s family he was born a normal size and they didn’t notice anything unusual about him until he was about 4 years old and his peers grew more than he did. He has not grown since his first birthday, his parents told Guinness. Hmmm, no growth from years 1 through 4? Seems perfectly normal to me. They are too poor to investigate what medical condition prevented him from growing taller, Guinness said. I'm no doctor but I'll bet you dollars for doughnuts he’s got whatever Webster had (remember that show – I’m tearing up thinking about it). But they call him "their lucky charm," saying his father Reynaldo, a locksmith, had been unemployed until he was born, then found a job after his birth. "He needs my care every minute of every day. Junrey can only walk with some help and he can't stand for too long because he's in too much pain," his mother, Concepcion, said.

He does not have a girlfriend, he told Guinness World Records editor-in-chief Craig Glenday: "You fool!" he chides in his squeaky high-pitched voice, "Don't even ask!" He must be saving himself for Thumbelina. And from the “no shit” department Glenday was quoted as saying, "I can't imagine anyone else being quite so small.” Thanks Craig – that’s simply profound.

Craig Glenday from Guinness got so excited during Balawing's measurement that he almost smashed the little bugger with his fist. "Don't do it, Craig!"

Who Not To Trust

2011-06-06T08:45:00.000-07:00

Trust (–noun): reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

Ever since my high school girlfriend dumped me and then lied about the reason why (old boyfriend) I’ve had trust issues. I want to trust people but I can’t. I always assume they’re hiding something or have alterior motives. Don’t get me wrong, the people who are closest in my life I trust completely. But that’s a big investment I’m seldom willing to make. Deciding who and who not to trust is a process. Some people can be eliminated immediately at face value. Others take more time to flesh out. What follows is my “top ten list” (again with the lists – I know, I really need to get some new material) of the folks I flat out refuse to trust on principle alone. Am I being a little closed-minded and perhaps unfairly dismissing people I don’t even know? Sure but as the old proverb goes “lie down with dogs, wake up with fleas”. So why take the chance?

1) People w/ face tattoos

2) Guys w/ girl’s names

3) Anyone over 4’ tall who refers to themselves as a little person (frauds)

4) People who don’t drink

5) Canadians

6) Guys w/ handlebar moustaches

7) People with more vowels in their names than consonants

8) Dudes in raper vans

9) Mexicans who don’t speak Spanish

10) Anyone who would choose a book over television

A Transgender Prom Queen?

2011-06-01T14:52:00.000-07:00

Andrew Viveros had his wish become a reality when he was crowned McFatter High School's prom queen on Friday night. Viveros, who for the past two years has gone by the name Andii, is a transgender who fought to get his name on the prom queen ballot. He is the first transgender to be named prom queen at a public school in the United States. "I was in shock," Viveros said. "I was just smiling." Viveros received the most votes over 14 girls for the coveted title at the Davie, Fla., technical school. A few students didn't think Viveros should have been allowed to compete for the title and started a petition to get his name off the ballot for prom queen. Viveros, who is also president of the school's Gay-Straight Alliance, wrote a speech to the school board to explain why he had a right to run. "Why would I run for prom king? I'll have to wear a tux, which I'm not going to do," Viveros said. "I'm going to wear an evening gown." The prom king, Juan Macias (pictured with Viveros at top of post), is also a member of the Gay-Straight Alliance (really? I never would have guessed :). Viveros' parents were also proud of their child's accomplishment. He's my child and I'm going to love him no matter what," Viveros' mom, Bernadette Viveros said. Now, Andii hopes his crown and sash helps pave the way for other teens like him. "It can open up doors for others who don't have a lot of encouragement," Viveros said.

Hmmm. Although I’m 100% in favor of gay marriage and for equal treatment under the law for all homosexuals, I have a big problem with a transgender prom queen. If we all go the way of McFatter High School and allow men (I’m sorry but if you have a penis you’re a dude – regardless of what you call yourself or what you wear to the prom) to compete as women, where do we draw the line? Will “tuckers” suddenly be allowed to compete in the WNBA, or on the LPGA Tour, and what about in the Olympics? Who cares about the sexual organs God gave us, right? In this new era of tolerance and enlightenment we should all get to decide what gender we’re going to live (and compete) as. It’s the only “fair” thing to do. Transformational programs like affirmative action and Title IX have afforded all kinds of new rights to minorities and women, so why not afford the same rights to transgenders?

I consider myself a fairly open-minded person but at some point we need to stop the insanity. What the hell were the Davie, FL, school board members thinking allowing a dude to run for prom queen? And what the hell were the students who elected him thinking? The fact that they also elected a homosexual male prom king tells me that they were trying to make a statement. If that was their intention mission accomplished. And the statement they made is loud and clear: while society is an ever-changing and evolving beast, we must be careful not to let taking the moral high ground blur the precarious line between what is right and what is wrong.

Although he is pretty hot (barf).

Creepiest Adult Behaviors

2011-05-31T17:30:00.000-07:00

I spent a day in downtown LA (or the zombie zoo as I like to call it) last week and was reminded of just what a freak show society can be. Angry Raider fan (who you NEVER want to make eye contact with BTW) looking for trouble, crazy homeless dude reciting T.S. Eliot, smelly Euro couple chain smoking as they snap pictures of graffiti plagued land marks... and that’s just what I saw on the one block walk from the parking garage to my meeting. Which got me thinking about society as a whole and the socially deviant behaviors of even the most seemingly normal individuals. What follows is a list of the “Top 10 Creepiest Adult Behaviors” (in no particular order of creepiness). Feel free to leave a comment adding to the thread, as I’m confident my list has only begun to scratch the surface of this topic.

1) Excessively collecting random shit: Who-o-o, Who-o-o, Who-o-o’s crazy? Um, this bitch.

2) Men who wear nightgowns: Nice nightie Chico. Did it come with a pair of fruit boots, too?

3) Performing with reckless abandon at karaoke bars: My ears are bleeding sweetheart. Please stop.

4) Grown men who wear baseball gloves to stadiums: Come on baldy, you actually took the time to bring your damn glove to the game but then let the guy with bare hands field the ball? Double fail.

5) Wearing matching outfits (under any circumstances): I… um… uh… I got nothin. Speechless.

6) Dudes with earrings: Even a dude as pretty and British as you has no business wearing jewelry on his ear lobes.

7) Getting overly intense at rock concerts: Don’t freak out screamer but I think the guy on your right might be a serial killer.

8) Wearing sports jerseys as everyday apparel: Put your hands down chief. We all know you’re the biggest douche in the room.

9) Guys who say “Okey Dokey”: One part gay, one part nerdy. Two parts CREEPY.

10) Referring to yourself in the 3rd person: “Jimmy played pretty well. Jimmy’s got some new moves. Check Jimmy out. Jimmy’s gonna get you, Kramer!” Classic.

Biggest D-Bag of the Month Award

2011-05-26T13:57:00.000-07:00

In this corner, weighing in at 89 years old and hailing from Oakland, CA, the man who unsuccessfully predicted the end of the world (for the 3rd time), radio broadcaster / cult leader Harold Camping.

And in this corner, weighing in at 62 years old and hailing from the most pathetic country in the world (France), the man accused of raping a New York City hotel maid, (soon to be former) IMF Chief / presidential candidate Dominique Strauss-Kahn.

The contenders:

Harold Camping boldly predicted the world would come to a fiery end on May 21, 2011. It didn’t. He also predicted the world would end on May 21, 1988, and on September 7, 1994. Wrong and wrong again. Leading up to each erroneous prediction many of his “fringe” religious followers invested their life savings to spread the word about the world’s demise (I’m sorry but anyone dumb enough to believe this freak deserves to be broke). Camping’s response to being wrong AGAIN? "On May 21, this last weekend, this is where the spiritual aspect of it really comes through. God again brought judgment on the world. We didn’t see any difference but God brought Judgment Day to bear upon the whole world. The whole world is under Judgment Day and it will continue right up until Oct. 21, 2011, and by that time the whole world will be destroyed,” he proclaimed in his first television interview since the botched prediction. Oh I get it - so May 21st was just the “spiritual” end of the world – the “actual” end won’t occur for another five months – now it makes perfect sense. And I’m sure you didn’t just make that shit up to cover your ass after May 21 came and went without incident, right Harold? Pretty convenient that the “spiritual” end couldn’t be seen, heard, or felt. Kind of like saying fat people are pretty on the inside or the Easter Bunny is real. Also convenient that you’ll probably be dead before October 21st arrives given that you’re an 89 year old crypt keeper. Hey Nostradamus – give it a rest already. Nobody wants to see your tired, wrinkled, old mug on TV, or hear the pathetic excuses for why your ridiculous predictions failed to materialize.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn (or DSK as he’s known in Europe) allegedly forced a New York City hotel housekeeper to perform oral sex and submit to anal sex, in addition to allegedly attempting to rape her, according to a complaint filed by the office of Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus Vance. What the f*ck DSK, I’m not sure how you guys conduct yourselves over in France, but here in America we take things like forced oral and anal sex pretty seriously. Police say at approximately 1 p.m. on May 15, the hotel housekeeper entered room 2806 at Sofitel in Manhattan -- a luxury $3,000-per-night, multi-room suite -- when Strauss-Kahn allegedly walked out of his bathroom naked and forced himself on the 32-year-old woman. Strauss-Kahn was taken into custody at around 4:30 p.m. as he was sitting in the first-class section of a Paris-bound Air France jet at John F. Kennedy International Airport, just as the doors were closing for takeoff. Just like a Frenchmen to commit a crime then run home to France with his tail between his legs (no pun intended) to hide from the law. So how did police know where to find Strauss-Kahn, you might be wondering? Well, at some point after the maid had informed the hotel and police of Strauss-Kahn's alleged crimes, he called the hotel to get his phone back (apparently he’d left in a hurry – I wonder why?). A hotel security official asked for his location in order to return the phone, and then passed on his location at JFK airport to the authorities. Hey DSK - what do cell phones cost these days anyway? And you were spending how much per night on your luxury hotel suite? So you’re obviously not just a sick pervert, but also a complete dumbass. God bless the French. This incident is not Strauss-Kahn’s first brush with sexual misconduct during his tenure. In 2008 he had an affair with a Hungarian economist and later admitted he made an "error of judgment." French Journalist, Tristane Banon, recently came public with accusations that Strauss-Kahn attempted to rape her during a 2002 interview for her book (when she was just 22 years old). For years he has had a reputation in France as a ladies' man, and has been nicknamed "the great seducer” (more like “the pathetic raper” based on recent events). Strauss-Kahn’s wife, American-born French journalist Anne Sinclair, is in denial about the whole thing. "I do not believe for a single second the accusations leveled against my husband," she said in a statement translated from French (which is ironic considering she’s American-born… I digress). Face it Anne – your husband is a miserable pig-boy who has no respect for women (including you) and can’t keep his dick in his pants.

And there you have it, two crazy old bastards: one with a penchant for predicting rapture, and the other a socially deviant sexual predator. So who’s the bigger d-bag?

And the winner is… DSK in a landslide. Enjoy Rikers Island you cheese-loving piece of shit. Where you’ll be sure to get a proper education in non-consensual blow jobs and butt sex. Like we needed another reason to hate the French.

Top Ten Reasons The World Actually Is Ending Tomorrow

2011-05-20T12:33:00.000-07:00

10. Radical right has turned on Newt Gingrich (God forbid he said something to appeal to the sensible middle ground)

9. With over 21 million viewers per episode, “Dancing with the Stars” number one rated show in America (WTF!?)

8. The other day in my car I rocked out to a song from “Pink” (so disgusted with myself – had to pull my own man card)

7. Kirstie Alley referred to as “graceful” (on “Dancing with the Stars” of course – what else?)

6. The “American Idol” finale is down to two contestants who both sing country music and I don’t hate it (yes I watch American Idol – don’t judge me)

5. Arnold Schwarzenegger has baby with woman uglier than him (who knew that was even possible?)

4. Charlie Sheen does something rational (no he didn’t – made that one up for shock value)

3. Sarah Palin says something intelligent (now I’m just f*cking with you)

2. Lady Gaga overtakes Oprah as most powerful person in the entertainment industry in the world according to Forbes Magazine (holy shit - this one is actually true - better watch your ass Gaga – Oprah don’t like being second)

1. Raining frogs spotted off coast of Mexico (run)

Observations From The Edge

2011-05-13T13:31:00.000-07:00

Sitting in the airport this morning waiting for my flight I partook in one of my all-time favorite airport pastimes: people watching. I love to study people, pick up on their mannerisms, listen to their conversations, and try to figure out “their stories”. Airports are one of the absolute best places to people watch because you get to observe folks in a stripped down, neutral environment where they have no choice but to be “real”. It’s the perfect nexus of anxiety and anticipation, sorrow and joy, apathy and exhilaration. Business men preparing for important business meetings, college students heading home to see Mom & Dad for summer break, parents absolutely losing it on their kids – you pretty much see it all at the airport. And there I am taking it all in, making snap judgments about people I’ll probably never see again in my whole life. Which got me thinking about the people I do see on a regular basis in my everyday life, and the accompanying social hypotheses I’ve formed about them. What follows is a random sampling of these sociological “theories”, which have no basis whatsoever in legitimate sociology (in case you couldn’t figure that out on your own). If you suspect I might be describing you with any of these ideologies please don’t be offended. Instead be honored that you helped inspire the 125th post of the Quinsey Blog.

“Magical Vagina Complex”

This phenomenon occurs when a woman gives birth later in life than her peers / friends. Her child instantly becomes the center of the universe and she immediately becomes an “expert” on all things motherhood. She can’t have a conversation without referencing her perfect offspring and she’s full of unsolicited advice about proper parenting. She preaches about the merits of natural child birth and breastfeeding, and brags on and on about the rapid development of her child as a result of both. She likely uses cloth diapers (because they’re good for the environment) and her child is most definitely on a strict diet of organic only foods. Here’s the really cute part - she talks to her child and EVERYONE else (including adults) like they’re students in her kindergarten class. A word of advice for annoying baby mamas everywhere: Chill the fuck out. You’re not the first person on the face of the earth to give birth (and certainly not the last). And would you let that kid try a McNugget for Christ’s sake – it’s not going to kill them.

“High School Quarterback Syndrome”

This condition is a direct result of one’s peaking too early in life. Everything came too easily to the victims of this disease (athletics, fitness, women, etc.) so they never acquired a work ethic or took their education seriously enough. “I’m the captain of the football team, who cares about my grades?” or “I’ve already banged half the cheer squad and I’ve got rock hard abs,” are examples of things they would say to themselves during high school. Unfortunately they weren’t quite talented enough to play at the collegiate level and ended up as a construction worker or real estate agent. Those affected by this condition can be characterized by the following: huge beer gut, thinning hairline if not completely bald already, divorced at least once (likely more), good chance they’ve lived with Mom & Dad at some point in past five years, Facebook stalker, make constant references to the “good old days” when they threw winning touchdown in championship game. Memo to all afflicted by HS QB Syndrome: Scoreboard bitches – it’s not how you start, it’s how you finish! (God that felt good)

“Rock and Roll Church Disorder”

This ailment generally affects those who had negative religious experiences as children. “Born again” later in life they rediscover their faith and decide to make God a constant presence in their lives. They likely belong to a church with a huge congregation and a charismatic preacher (cult leader) whose sermons are not unlike rock concerts with loud Christian music and pyrotechnic displays. They say things like, “Hey diddly do neighbor,” and can’t resist the urge to invite EVERYONE they meet to their church. They’re also convinced that President Obama is a Muslim and there’s simply no changing their minds. Here’s something to ponder Rock and Roll Church sufferers: Since when is church supposed to be fun anyway? If you really want to have a good time go to ballgame, or a strip club, or any place else you can find open on a Sunday morning besides church. I’m pretty sure the Big Guy will welcome you into heaven with open arms regardless of how much time you spent in His house during your lifetime (so long as you didn’t murder anyone or root for the Yankees).

“Social Chameleon Sickness”

Folks infected with this malady drastically modify their behavior depending upon which social group they’re with. With some friends they’re a party animal, with other friends a hopeless introvert. They have a completely different personality at work than they do at home, and who the hell knows what they’re like when they’re alone. Sometimes they’re compassionate, other times mean-spirited, sometimes immature, other times urbane - it all depends upon who they’re trying to impress or fit in with. People who suffer from this disorder cannot be trusted and make terrible friends. Their depth of character should also be questioned. A recommendation to the Social Chameleons among us: Grow a fucking spine and figure out who you are before it’s too late. Am I an inappropriate asshole? Sure – but at least I’m consistently inappropriate and assholey.

“Grin Fuck Disease”

This condition often manifests itself in people who are in a position of power. They deliver terrible news with a smile in the hope they can trick you into believing it’s actually good news. Example #1 –Your boss congratulates you with a big promotion in front of all your co-workers. He’s given you a fancy new title with a ton more responsibility at exactly the same pay. He has a huge grin on his face as you get fucked in front of the entire office. Example #2 – Your girlfriend surprises you with a long weekend in the mountains at her parent’s cabin (fun). What she neglects to mention is that her parents will be spending the weekend there too. When you arrive at the cabin to find Mom & Dad she looks at you with a big grin on her face (and at that exact moment you realize you’ve just been completely fucked). Example # 3 – Your doctor gives you a giant grin as he proclaims, "you’re the healthiest 40-year old I've ever seen". He then snaps on a rubber glove and tells you to bend over (a literal ass fucking – the absolute WORST kind of Grin Fuck).

I hope you’ve enjoyed this quick glance inside the mind of a truly twisted individual.

Peace & Love,

The Quinsey Blog

Bin Laden’s Dead And I’m Left Feeling… Conflicted

2011-05-05T09:07:00.000-07:00

When I first saw the news on Sunday night I was surprised. The realization, that after 10 years on the lamb we finally got this piece of shit, led to a quiet, easy happiness (the bottle wine didn’t hurt either). While lying in bed a few hours later I felt guilty for rejoicing in the death of a fellow human being (a severely broken human being to be sure but a human being nonetheless). I woke up on Monday morning with feelings of apathy towards Bin Laden, his death, and the whole f*cking “war on terror” in general. “Got more important things to worry about”, I thought to myself. I turned on the news and was inundated with patriotic images of fans chanting, “USA! USA! USA!”, at the Phillies/Mets game, people dancing in the streets of New York City near Ground Zero, and folks holding up American flags and signs in support of our military on street corners in towns across America. I was hit with a sudden rush of nationalistic pride. My apathy quickly turned to certainty that Bin Laden’s death was an absolute necessity to provide the closure we’ve all yearned for since 9/11. “USA! USA! USA!”, played in my head. I was so moved that I even made a patriotic post on Facebook (which we all know is the only legitimate way to express your emotions in the digital age). I went to work energized and excited. Later in the day I tuned into CNN and saw images of Iraqi’s, Pakistani’s, and Afghani’s burning American flags and cursing America for our callousness. In an instant my patriotism was transformed into a melancholy sadness. “Holy shit – we’re no better than them,” I thought.

I imagine the range of emotions I went through processing the death of Bin Laden are not unlike the range of emotions one would go through during / after a one-night stand with a fat chick (not that I would know). Surprise and confusion at the start, followed by satisfaction and relief during the act, concluding with regret and self-loathing post coital relations. I’m in the regret and self-loathing stage at the moment.

On the one hand I’m filled with respect and admiration for our troops who carried out this brave mission. On the other hand I’m not sure what we really accomplished. So Bin Laden (the devil himself) is now dead. (Bear with me for a corny, mythological analogy) What if Bin Laden was an evil, bearded Hydra in the form of a human being? We cut off the head of the snake but now nine more heads will grow back to take his place. My point being there are a lot of crazy, evil-ass mother f*ckers out there and I’m pretty sure we just pissed them off. How can we rejoice in the death of one evil individual when his death could and likely will trigger retaliations against America? President Obama is a very intelligent man but he’ll soon be up for reelection so he can’t and won’t acknowledge what I’m about to say. Mr. President, with all due respect, when the f*ck are you and the rest of our government going to wake up and realize that the “war on terror” is a war that can’t be won?

At this time I’d like to propose a truce with al qaeda. You stay out in the middle of butt f*ck Egypt where you belong and stop murdering innocent Americans with your cowardly terrorist acts, and we’ll stop hunting down your leaders (with our advanced technology and badass military personnel) and turning them into fish food. Sound fair?

God Bless America – the greatest country in the world.

Question: What's Cuter Than A Baby Bunny?

2011-04-21T14:16:00.001-07:00

Answer: THIS GUY!!!

Confessions of a Seriously Flawed Individual

2011-04-18T10:19:00.000-07:00

If you’re a regular reader of this blog I’m sure it’s become quite evident that I’m a far from perfect human being. My judgment is lacking, my opinions are polarizing, and my filter is well, non-existent. I often wonder if there are more people in the world like me or more people in the world like my wife, who is my moral superior in every way imaginable. Below is a list of some of my most recent offensive behaviors (only the ones I’m willing to share). After you read through the list check the key at the bottom of this post to see which category you fit into. Be honest with yourself. For as James A. Garfield once said: “The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.”

1) My 11-year old son had a bad case of strep throat last week. Per doctor’s orders he had to stay home from school on both Tuesday and Wednesday. We had an important baseball game on Tuesday night and I made him play anyway, much to the chagrin of my wife. What can I say - he’s one of our best hitters and I really wanted to win. Does this make me a bad Dad or a great coach?

2) Yesterday at the gym I saw a guy I used to work with a couple years back. He was a complete douche and I really didn’t want to talk to him so I pretended not to see him. He noticed me right away and tried to make eye contact several times, but I wouldn’t have it. I kept my head down, made it through my work-out, and got the hell out of there without having to partake in an agonizing conversation. Should I feel guilty or justified? (please note before you decide: I wasn’t the only one who thinks he’s a tool)

3) After the recent daylight savings time change I decided not to update the clock in my car. It’s a new car and I HATE reading owner’s manuals so I decided to wait for the time to change back in October, then the clock would once again be correct. My wife discovered this egregiously apathetic plan and was appalled – she flipped through the manual and had the clock updated in about 10 seconds. She then said I might be the laziest person on the planet.

4) I strongly believe the phrase “happy fat person” is an oxymoron. Look - nobody wants to be fat and the only thing standing in anybody’s way of not being fat is laziness and a lack of will power. I recently shared this philosophy while eating lunch in the company of a fat person and man were they pissed. A push in the right direction or an unnecessary dose of wrong sauce?

5) About a week ago I was at a body shop getting an estimate to fix my car and it struck me. In certain instances there seems to be a very fine line between high profile and low profile professions. For instance the difference between a heart surgeon and an auto mechanic is negligible if you really think about it. One fixes cars while the other fixes bodies (regardless of how much money was spent on their respective educations). I shared this observation with one of the mechanics and he was severely offended – apparently he thought I was trying to demean him with sarcasm (which was absolutely not my intention). I now wonder if this viewpoint shows too much respect to mechanics or too little respect to surgeons?

6) Last week at the airport I saw a dude wearing a turban and secretly hoped he got screened by security. A logical concern on my part or my East County roots rising to the surface yet again? (619 baby)

7) The other day at the mall I witnessed an old lady screaming at one of those pushy kiosk dudes (I hate those greasy bastards) - he apparently tried to rub some European wrinkle cream on her hand without permission. Am I the only one who gets a sick pleasure out of awkward public confrontations? Try as I might I just couldn’t look away until the altercation was completely over. She really let him have it.

8) Yesterday at the grocery store my bill at checkout was $14 and change (I only needed a couple items). I gave the clerk a $20 bill and instead of giving me back a $5 with change he inexplicably handed me back the same $20 I had just given him along with the change. I kept my mouth shut and left the store with $15 in free groceries. Is my inaction in this scenario the same thing as stealing? Speaking of stealing I forgot my head phones for a flight the other day. JetBlue offers $2 headphones at the gate via the honor system. You drop $2 in the box and take out a pair of headphones. All I had was $20’s and there was nobody around to make change, so I pretended to drop money in the box and took out a pair of headphones without paying (don’t judge me – it was a long flight and I really wanted those headphones).

9) The guy sitting next to me on the flight wore an eye patch and it took everything in my power not to say “Aargh, Ahoy Matey!” when he first sat down. Why did my mind go straight to “aargh” instead of empathy for his ailment? I know - I’m such an asshole.

10) Back to stealing. While shopping at the grocery store I let my kids eat doughnuts from the bakery section. By the time we made our way to checkout they had finished the doughnuts (and all evidence had been consumed). I therefore opted not to tell the clerk about the doughnuts (free doughnuts taste so much better than the ones you have to pay for). So I actually made out with about $17 worth of free groceries - not $15. If the wrong person reads this I’m so going straight to jail.

And there you have it – a week in the life of a seriously flawed individual. Check the key below to see how you measure up.

Key:

• If you’ve been guilty of 7 or more of these impertinent behaviors I’ve got some bad news for you - you’re just as twisted as me.

• If you’ve committed 4-6 of these moral infractions look out - you may be on the road to wretchville.

• If you’ve committed 1-3 of these transgressions take heart - there’s still time to save your wayward soul but you must repent immediately.

• If you’ve never been guilty of any of these misdeeds congratulations - you’re officially nominated for Sainthood (along with my better half).

Observations from the Big Apple

2011-04-12T09:58:00.000-07:00

I spent last week in New York City with my family for Spring Break. It’d been about a decade since my last visit to NYC and I’d forgotten how great it is. New York in all its splendor is without question one of my absolute favorite places to visit, and it didn’t disappoint on this trip. We had a total blast. That said I couldn’t help but notice how different New York is from my home town in Southern California. What follows (in no particular order of significance) is my list of observations from the Big Apple:

1) As Phil from “The Hangover” put it after Mr. Chow jumped out of the trunk buck naked (exposing his teeny weenie), attacked him violently, and then ran away: “Why was he so MEAN?!” Great line and it could also apply to just about everyone who lives in New York City. Nobody makes eye contact on the streets, nobody smiles while taking your order in restaurants, and nobody but nobody makes small talk on the subway. Case in point I asked some dude if we were on the right train to get to Yankee Stadium and everyone within ear shot looked at me as if I’d shown up for Church without pants. The guy proceeded to get all flustered, not quite sure how to respond to someone initiating an actual conversation, and tersely replied “um, no”. Gee - thanks for the help buddy, guess I’ll figure it out on my own.

2) Has the surgeon general’s warning about smoking being hazardous to your health not reached the good people of New York? No matter where we went in the city we couldn’t go one block without choking on somebody’s second hand smoke. Perhaps since they share an ocean Europe is rubbing off on them? In a word gross.

3) What’s with the Museum of Modern Art? I’m pretty sure I could shit in a plastic bag and pass it off as art at that place. Seriously – there’s some fucked up shit in there. Photographs of naked women posing with dildos, depictions of murder victims, paintings of dudes giving other dudes blow jobs. What the hell? I wish someone would have warned me before I paid to take my kids in there. The 5th floor is great (famous paintings from Van Gogh, Monet, etc.) but the rest of the museum is complete bullshit. Here’s a tip for my fellow tourists: Go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art instead – they only exhibit real art there.

4) Why is the jewelry district such a festering pit when the rest of midtown is so nice? It was the only area in the city where I felt uncomfortable taking my kids. A peculiar mix of big, scary black dudes and strange looking Orthodox Jewish dudes lined both sides of the seedy streets, attempted to coax us into their respective places of business, and had nasty things to say when we declined. Stay classy jewelry district.

5) What is with New York’s love affair with the Yankees? There’s a Yankees clubhouse store on every corner, everyone who works in the city (from Wall Street executives to the guys selling hot dogs in Central Park) proudly dons Yankees gear, and everywhere we went New Yorkers were compelled to talk shit about our Padres and Angels hats (even to my 11-year old son). Um, you do realize you have the highest payroll in baseball (by a large margin) and have only won one championship in the last 10 years, right? Title Town my ass. Plus Jesus hates the Yankees so you’re all going to hell :)

6) I love how easy it is to get a dinner reservation anywhere you want in NYC prior to 8:00 pm. We eat dinner in California around 7:00, but apparently the fine citizens of New York don’t get hungry for dinner until 10:00 pm (my bedtime). But I guess that’s okay because nobody starts working in New York until 10:00 in the morning… slackers.

7) How is the vacancy rate in NYC less than 1% while the unemployment rate is 8.9%, new high rise apartment buildings (with hundreds of units) are going up almost weekly, and rent in NYC is the highest in the nation? I’m no math major but something doesn’t add up.

8) Our lone celebrity sightings for the trip were pretty lame – Keith Richards, who looks like he’s about a hundred years old, and Scott Disick, the dude who’s dating / engaged to (who cares?) Kourtney Kardashian. Who’s a bigger douche than that guy, right?

Conclusion: For all of its faults I absolutely love visiting New York City but there’s no way in hell I’d ever live there. The fine (albeit grumpy) citizens of New York can thank me later.

Fun With Haiku

2011-04-01T14:32:00.000-07:00

Haiku is a traditional form of Japanese poetry which uses an economy of words (17 sound units – or syllables in English) to paint a multi-tiered picture. Haiku differs from other forms of poetry in that its focus is on "showing" as opposed to "telling", without “telling all”. As haiku master, Matsuo Bashō, once put it, "The haiku that reveals seventy to eighty percent of its subject is good. Those that reveal fifty to sixty percent, we never tire of." What follows are (3) politically inspired haiku’s I recently wrote. After you’ve read each passage use the “telling” information at the bottom of this post to see if you can figure out which subject each haiku pertains to. I know… I’m making you do a lot of thinking for a Friday afternoon – my bad.

Haiku #1:

Clouds form far then near
Tainted springs share their bounty
Darkness engulfs light

Haiku #2:

Ripe fruit arches branch
Sun shines bright on canopy
Moss grows thick beneath

Haiku #3:

Shadows on the plain
Crops harvested by dark of night
Fatted calf suckling

Subject Key:

A) GE not paying taxes / Jeffrey Immelt appointed leader of Obama’s Council on Jobs and Competitiveness / political corruption: The following headline recently appeared in the New York Times: “G.E.’s Strategies Let It Avoid Taxes Altogether.” Despite profits of $14.2 billion — $5.1 billion from its operations in the United States — General Electric did not have to pay any U.S. taxes last year. As The Times’s David Kocieniewski reported, “Its extraordinary success is based on an aggressive strategy that mixes fierce lobbying for tax breaks and innovative accounting that enables it to concentrate its profits offshore.” G.E. is the nation’s largest corporation. Its chief executive, Jeffrey Immelt, is the leader of President Obama’s Council on Jobs and Competitiveness. Can you say dirty poker? And to think coming into this whole mess Obama was convinced he could rise above it. Absolute power corrupts absolutely (every time).

B) Rich getting richer / socio-economic inequality / maldistribution of wealth in America: There is plenty of economic activity in the U.S., and plenty of wealth. But the folks at the top seem to be reaping all the benefits. As the Economic Policy Institute has reported, the richest 10 percent of Americans received 100 percent of the average income growth from 2000 to 2007, the most recent extended period of economic expansion. The current maldistribution of wealth is just as mind boggling. In 2009, the richest 5 percent of Americans claimed 63.5 percent of the nation’s wealth. The overwhelming majority, the bottom 80 percent, collectively held just 12.8 percent. This inequality and downward mobility is a world-class recipe for social unrest. Translation: if you own a small business better get yo gun cuz lootin’ and riotin’ are imminent.

C) Decision to bomb Libya / dependence on foreign oil / misplaced government priorities: The United States invests in yet another war, this time in Libya, while simultaneously slashing spending on education, laying off firemen and police officers, and generally letting things go to hell in a hand basket here at home. Unemployment is at a historic high while public morale is at a historic low after years of misguided economic policies. Greed, corruption, and a voracious addiction to foreign oil have led us to an era of perpetual war and economic decline. The U.S. has not just misplaced its priorities, it seems we’ve lost our way entirely. In other words it’s a complete Charlie Foxtrot and we have big government to thank for it.

Old People: What Are They Good For?

2011-03-28T13:56:00.000-07:00

I took my kids to the dentist the other day. He’s located in a medical office building near Leisure World (or Seizure World as I like to call it) - a huge retirement community in South Orange County. The building was absolutely crawling with old people. Walkers, wheel chairs, oxygen tanks, yucky old person smell, the whole nine yards. We somehow managed to navigate our way through the crowded lobby full of decrepit imbeciles (save your occasional attractive pharmaceutical sales rep dotted here and there) and proceeded to get stuck in a huddled elevator with another half dozen old farts. We mouth breathed our way through the first 3 floors and finally arrived at floor number 4 only to be greeted by 3 more old geezers who bum-rushed the elevator doors before we’d even made an attempt at getting off (Hello – elevator etiquette grampa: you don’t get on until I’ve gotten off - why do I even need to say this?). Same story after we finished up with the appointment and made our escape from the building – wall to wall old people as far as the eye could see. It was like being stuck in a building-shaped sardine can full of urine-soaked crypt keepers. I think some old person stink might have even rubbed off on me as I could still smell them on the drive home. Which (wait for it) got me thinking…

When you arrive at those final years of your life (like an expired carton of milk waiting to be thrown out) what’s the f*cking point? You’re barely mobile, you feel like shit all the time, you’re a burden to everyone around you, and you stink. When I get old I’m going “Thelma and Louise” off the side of a f*cking mountain to save my family the trouble. Which is probably why I never feel guilty after smoking a cigar, drinking too much, eating a piece of bacon, or doing anything that will generally shorten my life expectancy. What do I care if I trim off a few months here and there? It’s the months at the end I’m eliminating and those are the shitty ones anyway, right? It’s been a while since I’ve gone poetic on this blog and I think it’s long overdue. What follows is my “Ode To An Old Fart”:

Warning: if you’re north of 75 years old you might want to stop reading at this point. On the other hand old people love to complain about shit and this will definitely give you something to complain about. Enjoy.

Ode To An Old Fart

“Look up to your elders and pay them respect”
With certain exceptions I must boldly object

For it’s tough to admire, hold you in regard
When you piss in your pants, get lost in the yard

You’re wrinkled and tired, your ears are too big
You insist on a comb over, should wear a wig

You drive like an asshole, eat dinner at three
Shit in a diaper, need glasses to see

You say cell phones are stupid, the internet is a scam
You’re stubborn and racist, you don’t give a damn

When reading my blog you’re never amused
It’s over your head, you’re old and confused

I’m fed up with your antics, your old person scowl
The gut wrenching stories about your irritable bowl

Your opinions don’t matter, you haven’t a clue
Like a useless old horse we should turn you to glue

I could ramble off reasons all day and all night
Of why you’re irrelevant and fill me with spite

But the worst part of all which makes my head stew
Is that some day in the future I’ll be one of you

Stupid People Are So Lucky

2011-03-22T09:04:00.000-07:00

I have a Golden Retriever named Max. He’s probably the stupidest animal on the planet. All that dumb mother f*cker needs is a tennis ball and he’s 100% content. If you really think about it he’s brilliant in his simplicity – dumb as a box of rocks - but brilliant nonetheless. He’s always got a huge, horsey grin on his big, dumb face and there’s not a single ounce of ill will in his entire, clumsy body. I love that dog and he loves me back completely. Without question. Which makes me wonder: If it takes so little to make a creature so dumb completely happy, does the same paradigm apply to people? Or to put it another way is there a positive correlation between stupidity and happiness?

To answer this question I can think of no better place to look than my own life. I’m no Rhodes Scholar but I do consider myself a person of above average intelligence. Plus I just scored genius level on one of those pop-up internet IQ tests, so I’ve got that going for me. That said sometimes I think I’d be happier if I was a little less intelligent. Example: Details stress me out. I really don’t want to know how jet engines work (I do) because then I’d know how easy it is for shit to go wrong (it is) and I’d be freaked out every time I board a plane (I am). If I was stupid I probably wouldn’t question everything around me, feel the need to do subsequent research, and stress myself out in the process. Instead I could coast through life in a fog of blissful ignorance (a la the Bush’s). In this example how would being stupid not make me an incrementally happier person (have you seen the huge, shit eating grin on Dubya’s face)?

In several ways I already am quite stupid – just ask my wife. The first thing that comes to mind is my terrible sense of direction, or lack thereof. I can literally go to the same place like ten times and still not remember how to get there. It drives my wife freaking nuts. But you know what? I don’t need to know how to get anywhere because I've got GPS in my car, and GPS makes me happy. Which begs the question: If technology is able to mask the retarded section of my brain responsible for direction (and put a smile on my face in the process) what other intellectual short-comings could technology be making up for or actually improving? Unfortunately I’ll never know because I’m too smart… and you can chalk up another victory for stupidity.

Embarrassing personal example #2: One of my wife’s favorite things to say is that “I’m the dumbest smart person she knows” (her words not mine). This statement stems in large part from my utter lack of common sense. I could list off numerous examples under this topic but for the sake of my own personal credibility I choose not to. All I’ll say is that in these recurring moments of poor judgment (lovingly pointed out by my sweet flower) it always makes me feel good that despite this glaring mental deficiency / character flaw I still somehow convinced her to marry me… which must make me one lovable idiot (big smile on my face). And there you have it: Further proof that the road of stupidity does indeed meander towards the parking lot of happiness. Are you sensing a trend here?

I can only speak from my own personal experience but based on the overwhelming evidence above I’d say there’s only one logical conclusion: Yes – there is absolutely a positive correlation between stupidity and happiness. All you dumb bastards out there have no idea how lucky you are :)

Peace and Love,

The Quinsey Blog

Charlie Sheen: Living Proof That It’s Possible To Envy And Pity Someone At The Very Same Time

2011-03-08T08:47:00.000-08:00

By now everyone’s seen the manic television interviews with the bizarre quotes (“I’m a winner man”, “I’ve got tiger’s blood”, "I’m a frickin rock star – you can’t hang with me the door’s right over there”, etc.). It’s all part of the self-initiated Charlie Sheen whirlwind publicity tour. Is he a hopeless narcissist? Sure. Is his lifestyle non-traditional? Uh huh. Is it strange that he has two twenty-something live in girlfriends (one a porn star, the other a model)? Yeah. Is he most likely on some sort of drug/s even though he recently produced records of a clean drug test? Yup (you think $1.8 million per episode can’t buy a clean drug test?). That said I’m not sure whether to envy him or pity him?

The facts:

a) He’s filthy stinking rich: he makes $1.8 million per episode of “Two and Half Men” and has been the star of numerous hit movies over his 20+ year career.

b) He’s extremely talented: his comedic timing is second to none and a true thing of beauty (regardless of what drug/s he’s on).

c) He’s always done well with the ladies: case in point ex-wife Denise Richards and his two twenty-something (allegedly) live in girlfriends who he affectionately refers to as the Goddesses (Daddy issues anyone?).

d) He’s arguably one the most famous, high-profile television actors of all time: how many million people have tuned in to watch the surreal television interviews? Enough said.

Any one of those things (wealth, talent, women, fame) on their own would be enough to make most men happy for a lifetime, and Sheen’s got ALL four that lucky bastard. In baseball terms (the sport he loves most) his life is a walk-off grand slam in game 7 of the World Series. For all these reasons I envy him. How can you not?

For every other reason… I pity him. Seriously - he’s like a slow motion train wreck unfolding before our eyes, and no matter how hard we try we can’t turn him off. It’s just good clean entertainment, am I right? After watching more interviews than I care to admit I’ve come to one inalienable conclusion: Dude’s straight fucking crazy. He’s lost it. He’s flipped his lid. He’s cracked up. He’s bonkers. He’s coo coo for cocoa puffs. But that’s okay because he’s WINNING. Just ask him and he’ll tell you. I'd be curious to know when the definition of winning was broadened to include things like snorting down copious amounts of reality altering drugs, telling your boss to piss off on a public stage, and allowing a misguided pair of under-aged prostitutes to raise your kids. The worst part is that he doesn’t even see a problem with the way he’s living his life (his Hollywood estate is like a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah). On the other hand it must be nice to completely not give a shit about anything or anyone, and to live every moment of your life with the singular goal of pleasuring one’s self… and the envy creeps back in. So you see my dilemma. Envy? Pity? A very fine line indeed. Oh well, I’m sure it will come to me some day while I’m winning on a rocket ship straight to Mars.

In closing I’d like to extend a heartfelt thank you to Charlie Sheen’s publicist, Stan Rosenfield, for quitting. Had he not we surely never would have experienced this important moment in history.

The End Of The Quinsey Blog?

2011-02-24T09:35:00.000-08:00

I was asked to delete a post the other day and begrudgingly I obliged. It’s not that I don’t stand behind what I wrote (I do) or think it was wrong to post (it wasn’t), but leaving it out there was putting someone else in a precarious position so I felt compelled to comply. That said I feel the integrity of this blog has now been breached so I’m shutting it down effective immediately…

Did you believe me? Good – you shouldn’t have. I love this feather-ruffling bullhorn way too much to ever shut it down. You can censor me, but never silence me. And while I’m on here I might as well share some recent thoughts that have been on my mind (in no particular order of importance):

1) Why are shipping/mail stores always owned by Middle Eastern people and liquor stores always owned by Asians? Is it mandated in a super secret handbook somewhere?

2) Am I the only one who thinks the B-52’s are the worst band ever? Whenever I hear “Love Shack” I want to break things and hurt people.

3) The other day at the mall I noticed a sign for plus-sized “skinny jeans”. Huh?

4) Why do those glum bastards in first class always look down at you as you pass by on your way to coach? We all know the only reason you’re there is because you fly too much.

5) When did pomegranate become such a popular flavor for every product imaginable? I don’t remember anything pomegranate flavored when I was a kid except for pomegranates.

6) Why does everything in infomercials always cost $19.99 and why do you always get two? There’s no way the cost of a vacuum cleaner that cuts hair is the same as a bag of super-absorbent dish towels.

7) Don’t you hate people who say, “Oh, I haven’t seen that show, I rarely watch television.” Like you’re better than me because you read books and converse with your family at night - screw you.

8) Why does Jay Sean love himself so much?

9) I have nothing but love and respect for Dick Clark but man is he uncomfortable to watch during his Rockin’ New Year’s Eve specials. Why does the network insist on putting him out there when he can barely formulate a sentence?

10) You know that song, “The Freshman” by the Verve Pipe? Great tune, right? Google the meaning and you might not think so anymore. Man – that’s some fucked up shit.

Until next time,

The Quinsey Blog

Hey Egypt: F*ck You!

2011-02-17T15:03:00.001-08:00

CBS News correspondent Lara Logan was just released from a U.S. hospital following a brutal sexual attack and beating she sustained while reporting on the tumultuous events in Cairo. Logan was in the city's Tahrir Square on Friday after Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak stepped down when she, her team and their security "were surrounded by a dangerous element amidst the celebration," CBS said in a statement Tuesday. The network described a mob of more than 200 people "whipped into a frenzy." Separated from her crew in the crush of the violent pack, she suffered what CBS called "a brutal and sustained sexual assault and beating." She was rescued by a group of women and an estimated 20 Egyptian soldiers, the network said. Logan wasn’t the only reporter attacked during the protests in Egypt and she wasn’t the only female targeted for sexual assault. Logan’s attack was one of at least 140 others suffered by reporters covering the unrest in Egypt since Jan. 30, according to the Committee to Protect Journalists. An Egyptian reporter even died from gunshot wounds he received during the protests. Sexual harassment of women is also a common occurrence on the streets of Cairo. On the day Mubarak fell, numerous women reported being groped by the rowdy crowds. One witness even saw a woman slap a man across the face after he touched her.

Way to go Egypt. You couldn’t just smoke blunts, tip over city busses, and light trash cans on fire like respectable protestors? No, you had to go and commit a brutal sexual assault on an innocent news reporter from America. What’s wrong with you? Are your cocks so small and your egos so fragile that you can’t help but to devalue women whenever given the opportunity? We may have our fair share of problems here in America – a floundering economy, a broken government, and the South to name a few – but at least we know how to treat women with the respect and admiration they deserve, and at least we know how to throw a proper riot (see every time a sports team wins a major championship). You should be ashamed of yourselves. Not only does Cairo smell worse than Detroit after the Pistons won their last title, but now the whole world knows what a loathsome and detestable people you truly are. Enjoy your empty celebrations while they last you depraved half-wits. For when your buzz finally wears off it will become evident that you’re still nothing more nothing than a 3rd world desert wasteland full of vile miscreants and insecure perverts.

The 10 Most Annoying Things People Do On Facebook

2011-01-28T12:42:00.000-08:00

I’m embarrassed to admit this but I go on Facebook a lot… like twice a day. Okay I’m lying… it’s like ten times a day, maybe more. I can’t stop myself. Every time I sit down in front of the computer or have a few free minutes on my phone I’m compelled to log on and see what’s going on with my Facebook peeps. Pretty pathetic I know. If I had more of a life I probably wouldn’t care so much what’s going on with my Facebook peeps but I don’t so I do. Sue me. That said there are certain things people do on Facebook which annoy the living crap out of me. None of these behaviors are ‘unfriendable’ offenses per say but annoying none the less. What follows is my list of The 10 Most Annoying Things People Do on Facebook: (feel free to add to the list by leaving a comment)

#10: Understating how often you’re on Facebook. I hate it when someone sends me a note on Facebook and begins it with “I’m almost never on Facebook but…” Come on dude –you know you wouldn’t be saying that if you weren’t on Facebook like all the fucking time, which makes you equally as pathetic as me and everyone else – own it.

#9: Intentionally posting unnecessary information in your status updates to let everyone know how successful you are. “I’m at the Mercedes Benz dealership getting my S-class serviced.” “Heading back to our beach house in Malibu to drink wine and enjoy the ocean view.” “Just checked in at the Ritz Carlton Ka’anapali – we splurged and went for the presidential suite.” It’s shameless and completely transparent people. Whether your intention is to make us jealous or just make us hate you mission accomplished on both fronts.

#8: Putting almost no personal information in your profile. How the hell am I supposed to cyber stalk you if I know nothing about you? Seriously we haven’t talked in like twenty years and all you’re giving me is that your home town is El Cajon and you’re a fan of Groupon? What the hell is that? If this Facebook relationship is going to work out I need more from you. Tell me about your education, your career, your family, your hobbies and interests, and your hopes and dreams. Paint me a vivid picture of exactly how your life turned out so I can compare it to mine and see who wins.

#7: Instant messaging with the Chat function. Every time I hear that ping and see an instant message pop up in the bottom right corner of my Facebook screen my sphincter clinches up. Ah fuck – which one of my long lost “friends” wants to talk now? I knew I never should have accepted that guy’s friend request. You see the best part about social networking is that it’s passive networking. You can reconnect with someone from your past without ever actually connecting with them. Why would you want to go and ruin a beautiful paradigm like that by ambushing someone with an instant message?

#6: Using the “LOL” acronym too much. Somewhere along the line people must have forgotten what LOL stands for. I’m at the car wash – LOL. The dude sitting next to me has really bad breath – LOL. Is it Friday yet? LOL. Enough already with the LOL’s folks. It’s not a period you put on the end of every sentence. In case you’ve forgotten LOL stands for Laugh Out Loud. So unless you’ve written something that literally makes me want to Laugh Out Loud (which is highly unlikely) shut it down.

#5: Gratuitous posts to make you seem like a better person than you really are. Right around January 1st it’s not uncommon for people to post their New Year’s resolutions on Facebook. I get it – posting a resolution for all to see creates accountability and makes you more likely to stick to it. This past January however one of my “friends” crossed the line. She posted that her New Year’s resolution is to “volunteer more”. Volunteer more? Are you fucking kidding me? What kind of resolution is that? What are you Mother fucking Theresa? Nobody’s buying it bitch so why don’t you stop lying and just go on a diet like everyone else.

#4: Untagging pictures of yourself. Do you think it’s easy to capture a super embarrassing shot of your “friends”, especially as we get older and do less and less stupid shit to be embarrassed about? If I happen to catch you in an embarrassing pose and am then thoughtful enough to share that image with the Facebook world at least have the decency to not untag yourself. As the song goes: “It ain’t no fun if the homies can’t have none…”

#3: Trying to be deep and profound. I hate it when people post shit in their status update like: “A man’s greatness is not defined by his accomplishments alone but by the accomplishments he inspires in those around him.” I literally just made that crap up right now – it took no more than 10 seconds. Here’s the thing - if I wanted to be inspired by deep and profound thoughts I’d look to the words of people like Martin Luther King, Jr. or Winston Churchill. I would NOT look to the status update of my old high school buddy from Ohio who sells paper products for a living (not that there’s anything wrong with Ohio or selling paper products for a living).

#2: Bragging about your kids. Your kid could be a scratch golfer by age 6, a Rhodes Scholar by age 8, and an Olympic gold medalist by age 10 (if she’s on the Chinese gymnastics team), and you know what? I still don’t want to hear about any of it on Facebook. One of my wife’s “friends” recently posted a picture of her kid with the caption: “Bobby (name changed to protect the innocent) on a field trip with his fellow Gate students. Bobby has an insatiable thirst for knowledge so the Gate program has been a real blessing for him.” Excuse me but I just threw up inside my mouth. Is it wrong to want to punch her in the face for posting that?

#1: Being a shameless self promoter. More than anything else I absolutely cannot stand it when people post links to content they’ve authored. Yo dude - is your blog so fucking bad that no one will read it unless you constantly post links to it on Facebook? That’s a rhetorical question – don’t answer that.

If after reading this post you want to ‘unfriend’ me, I understand completely and won’t hold it against you.

Regards,

The Quinsey Blog

I Wonder When The Kids Will Figure Out I’m A Fraud?

2011-01-26T08:16:00.000-08:00

Seriously, it can only be a matter of time before my children are old enough to figure out that as a parent I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing, and that most of the time I’m just shooting off the hip.

Should you eat that? Hmmm, the floor does look pretty clean here so sure why not?

Is it okay to steal? No, of course it’s not okay to steal but this isn’t stealing. Hotels expect you to take the towels when you check out.

Is it bed time yet? Well, it is pretty early but I’m also super tired of answering your never ending supply of mundane questions so yes go to bed.

Were Mommy and Daddy wrestling when you just walked into our bedroom without knocking first? Yes – let’s go with wrestling.

Are you the smartest kid in your class? Of course – I don’t care what that Asian girl or that Indian boy says – you’re definitely the smartest kid in your class, champ (wink).

Your teacher says that alcohol is a drug and that all drugs are bad for you? Candy’s bad for you too – would you like to give up candy? That’s what I thought.

Sometimes after I do or say something, in mind I’m thinking “what the f*ck, that was some pretty bad parenting, oh well I’m sure they’ll turn out just fine (wink).” Or will they? In the nature versus nurture debate how much weight is put on nature and how much is put on nurture? In other words if I do all the wrong things as a parent is it really going to affect whether my offspring turn out to be doctors or dead beats, socialites or sociopaths? And if I am doing all the wrong things how am I supposed know before it’s too late? Unlike operating heavy machinery or putting together a new bike, parenting doesn’t come with a manual so it’s impossible to ever know if you’re doing it right or wrong. Yeah, I know a bunch of smart people have written books on the subject but George W. Bush and Sarah Palin have written books too (best sellers no less) so it really makes you question the credentials of all non-fiction authors. Besides every kid is different so the “one size fits all” parenting advice you find in those books is pretty much a bunch of bullshit anyway. I suppose I could look back on how my folks raised me for a blueprint on parenting. After all I turned out okay (for the most part) so they must have done a decent job raising me, right? The problem there is that whenever I find myself telling my kids the stuff my parents told me when I was growing up (“don’t make me get to three”, “now go up to your room and think about what you’ve done”, “you crashed the car again?”, etc.) it just makes me feel old and that’s depressing. So what’s a guy to do? Nature versus nurture, no owner’s manual, history repeating itself – it all creates a lot of uncertainty and makes you question the things you can and can’t control. What is the magic formula for being a good parent then?

It’s simple – marry a person who’s your complete superior in every way imaginable and let her do all the heavy lifting. It’s the greatest gift you can give your kids.

Sometimes I think my wife married a high functioning retard. God bless her.

A Letter To New York Jets Head Coach Rex Ryan

2011-01-18T13:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Rex,

I know things between us didn’t end on the best of terms but we’re writing in hopes of reconciliation. Do we still find you completely repulsive? Of course – with that ugly, pock-marked mug, that gelatinous, lard-filled belly, and that brashly hawkish demeanor who wouldn’t? In fact every time we see you on TV we want to throw up inside our mouths. Given your recent appearances with the media however, it’s become glaringly apparent that you need us more than we both thought. That was a nice win on Sunday against Tom Terrific and the Pats but was it really necessary to talk trash for the entire week leading up to the game? Sean Payton, Mike Tomlin, Tom Coughlin, Tony Dungy, Bill Cowher, and even the “Hoodie” himself (Bill Belichik) have all won Superbowls (the last 7 in fact). And guess what? Not a single one of them talked trash during their respective playoff runs. You on the other hand haven’t won shit, but there you are spouting off about how great your team is and how much you dislike your opponents. I know you’re trying to be funny but we both know that humor is your defense mechanism and that you’re really crying on the inside. Maybe if you spent as much time putting together game plans as you did stuffing that disgusting pie hole full of hot dogs and pastries you wouldn’t be so insecure, and subsequently feel the need to lash out at the world like a frightened child (a really, really fat child to be sure). What's really sad is that somewhere deep beneath all that lard and bravado is a little boy who fell in love with football because it’s a beautiful sport. But now you’re making it ugly for all of us with your utter lack of sportsmanship and that grotesque feed bag you call a chin (it literally looks like someone strapped a skin colored inner-tube around your face). Please give us a call to discuss reuniting before it’s too late. We can likely put together a plan to help salvage your rapidly deteriorating reputation, and we might even be able to help avert the inevitable certainty of a massive heart attack. We look forward to your prompt response.

Sincerely,

Class, Tact, and Good Health

5 People I'd Like To Punch In The Face

2011-01-13T13:37:00.000-08:00

It should be illegal to love yourself this much.

Her voice makes my ears bleed.

She's an insult to trainwrecks everywhere.

Your 5 minutes of fame are up, Antoine. Now go away.

Ditto, Neanderthal Obama.

God Bless The GOP

2011-01-11T12:07:00.000-08:00

The following story (written by Peter Stone, Center for Public Integrity, and Michael Isikoff, NBC News) recently appeared on MSNBC. It’s very well written and provides a great illustration of how truly f*cked up and corrupt politics have become. Being that this is the Quinsey Blog I decided to re-post the story and add in my own color commentary (in italics). Enjoy.

How Wall St. execs bankrolled GOP victory

A small network of hedge fund executives pumped at least $10 million into Republican campaign committees and allied groups before November’s elections, helping bankroll GOP victories that this week will change the balance of power in Washington, according to a review of campaign records and interviews with industry insiders by the Center for Public Integrity and NBC News. Using the terms Washington and Integrity in the same sentence – not an easy thing to do these days.

Bitterly opposed to President Barack Obama’s economic and regulatory policies — including proposals to increase taxes on some of their profits — top Wall Street hedge fund moguls were unusually energized during last year’s election. They held multiple fundraisers and coordinated strategy to direct what appear to be unprecedented sums into the coffers of GOP and allied political committees, according to industry and GOP fundraising sources. Nothing energizes hedge fund moguls like increased taxes on their profits.

Many substantial donations from the hedge fund executives escaped public notice either because they were made late in the campaign (and therefore weren’t reported until after the election) or were funneled through third-party groups, obscure “joint fundraising committees” and newly created political nonprofits that are not required to disclose donors. Reminds me of the famous line from Field of Dreams: “If you build it they will come”. Hedge fund scumbag version: “If you provide a loophole they will find it”.

The net effect has been to give the hedge funds important new allies at a time they are fending off regulations mandated by the Dodd-Frank financial reform bill and an aggressive Justice Department investigation into insider trading. The Constitution covers in great detail the notion of “Separation of Powers” but neglects to mention the more oft-used political paradigm of “Pay to Play”.

A prime example is Rep. Scott Garrett, a little known Republican from northern New Jersey who this week is slated to become the new chairman of the House Financial Services subcommittee on capital markets, a key panel that has direct oversight of the industry. A staunch foe of the regulation of Wall Street, Garrett has threatened to cut funding for the Securities and Exchange Commission and roll back some provisions of Dodd-Frank. If you google the words hedge fund bitch boy there’s a picture of Rep. Garrett.

Throwing in with apparent winners

As it became increasingly clear late last summer that Republicans were likely to capture the House, the partners at Elliott Management Corp., a $17 billion Wall Street hedge fund that specializes in distressed foreign debt, mobilized to boost Garrett’s political fortunes. One of the firm’s senior officers threw a fundraiser for Garrett. The firm’s executives and one of their spouses wrote checks totaling $195,800 to two of the congressman’s political fundraising committees, campaign records show. It is not known if the booze and hookers that showed up at Garrett’s house were included in this figure.

Of that amount, $45,000 was donated by nine Elliott executives to the congressman’s leadership political action committee Supporting Conservatives of Today and Tomorrow. As first reported by the The Record newspaper, another $150,800 was donated to a newly created entity called the Scott Garrett Victory Committee, which was registered by a GOP fundraiser using a post office box in Athens, Ga. The Scott Garrett Victory Committee? More like the Scott Garrett Bitch Boy Slush Fund.

As a so-called joint fundraising committee that shared its proceeds with the National Republican Congressional Campaign Committee, it was permitted under campaign finance rules to accept donations in excess of the standard $2,400 limit on contributions to individual candidates. A newly created entity established for the sole purpose of circumventing campaign finance laws? Fucking shameless, even for the GOP.

Elliott executives — one of whom wrote a check for $35,000 — ended up providing about 96 percent of all the funds raised by the Garrett committee, according to the review of campaign records by CPI and NBC. You mean it wasn’t a legitimate entity after all? Shocker.

“This is particularly appalling,” said Ellen Miller, executive director of the Sunlight Foundation, a nonprofit group that promotes transparency in campaign finance. “No one in America will believe that Representative Garrett can provide impartial oversight of the hedge fund industry after taking these huge amounts of money from one (hedge fund) company.” Gee, you think Ellen?

Garrett’s office did not respond to repeated phone calls and e-mails requesting comment. He was apparently preoccupied with the copious amounts of booze and hookers sent over by the hedge fund scumbags. Can you really blame him?

A political ally of Garrett, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that the contributions from Elliott executives were largely at the request of Keith Horn, Elliott’s chief operating officer, who is a constituent of the congressman and has been raising money for him for years. Horn declined to comment, but a spokesman for Elliott stressed that the firm “does not make donations to political candidates or parties. Some individual Elliott employees raise funds and donate to candidates and party organizations, both Democrat and Republican, at the federal and state levels.” Oh, I see. The obscene contributions didn’t come from Elliot Management Corp., they came from the top executives at Elliot Management Corp. That’s completely different then.

The contributions to Garrett were only a small portion of a tidal wave of hedge fund contributions to GOP candidates aimed at boosting the industry’s fortunes in Washington. In a related story the better business bureau reports that the boozing and whoring industries outpaced the rest of the economy by an astonishing 1000% last quarter.

A central player in the effort was Paul Singer, Elliott’s publicity-shy chairman who has emerged as one of the Republican Party’s most powerful behind-the-scenes moneymen. (A fervent libertarian, Singer is also a major donor to pro-Israel causes and gay rights groups.) During last year’s election, Singer held fundraisers for GOP Senate candidates in his Central Park West apartment and, with other Elliot executives, donated nearly $500,000 to the National Republican Senatorial Committee, making the firm’s executives among the largest contributors to that group. If you google the words bitch boy puppeteer there’s a picture of Paul Singer.

Another key industry player in directing funds to the GOP was Steven Cohen, the multibillionaire chairman of SAC Capital Advisors in Stamford, Conn. His firm, generally considered among the most successful hedge funds, recently received a subpoena seeking information related to a major Wall Street insider trading probe being conducted by the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Manhattan, according to a source familiar with the probe. An SAC spokesman declined to comment for this story. Corruption at one of Wall Street’s largest hedge funds? I don’t believe it.

Other important figures in the hedge fund campaign effort were Ken Griffin, president of Chicago’s Citadel Investment, Bruce Kovner of Caxton Associates in Princeton, N.J., Robert Mercer, co-chairman of Renaissance Technologies, which is headquartered on Long Island in New York, and John Paulson, the chairman of Paulson & Co. of Manhattan. The moral of the story? Don’t trust the left coast.

A dinner for donors

The executives appear to have coordinated their efforts. At a dinner at Cohen’s palatial Greenwich, Conn. home late last August, Singer, Kovner and other hedge fund executives discussed the upcoming elections and their political contributions, according to an industry source who requested anonymity. At least one GOP operative was in attendance, the source said. (Griffin, Kovner, Mercer and Paulson all declined to comment for this story.) They reportedly closed out the festivities with a photo montage set to Sinatra’s “I’ve got the world on string”.

Among some of the more notable donations:

• Singer, Cohen, Griffin (and his wife, Anne), Kovner, Paulson and another top hedge fund executive, Cliff Asness of AQR, donated nearly $6 million to the Republican Governors Association, headed by Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour. About $3 million of that was given in September and October, when the RGA was spearheading a crucial get-out-the-vote effort aimed at boosting Republican turnout. (The RGA is set up as a “527 committee” — a reference to that section of the tax code — which is able to take unlimited contributions from individuals and corporations but must disclose its donors publicly.) Who says “elitism” is dead?

• Ken and Anne Griffin, managing partner at Aragon Global Management, another Chicago hedge fund, also gave $500,000 in the election’s waning days to American Crossroads, an “independent” group whose formation was spearheaded by Karl Rove, former President George W. Bush’s political strategist, and Ed Gillespie, the former chairman of the Republican National Committee. Rove and Gillespie involved in political corruption? Never saw that coming.

• Mercer, the co-chairman of Renaissance, poured more than $600,000 into Concerned Taxpayers of America, making him the largest single contributor to the independent group that ran attack ads against congressional Democrats. Almost half of Mercer’s donations were made in October and November. Concerned Taxpayers of America (CTA) is really code for Corruption Through Affluence.

The magnitude of the industry donations are particularly notable because at least some of the hedge fund executives have in the past given generously to Democrats and some members of their firms continued to do so, albeit in much smaller amounts, in last year’s election. Cohen, for example, has been a major donor to Connecticut’s Democratic Sen. Chris Dodd, the retired former chairman of the Senate Banking Committee. And the Chicago-based Griffin was a “bundler” for President Obama in the last election. Paulson was a significant donor and fundraiser for Democratic Sen. Charles Schumer of New York, donating $30,400 to the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee as late as June 2009. But in 2010, he switched heavily to the Republicans. With other members of his firm and his wife, he contributed over $450,000 to various GOP accounts. Waffling their political allegiance based solely on how it will affect their own personal finances? What’s the opposite of integrity? Yup.

The new enthusiasm for the GOP was spurred in large part by hedge fund managers’ opposition to many of the tax and regulatory economic policies of Obama and congressional Democrats. Some hedge fund executives, along with others from private equity funds, were especially exercised about a measure that passed the House this year before stalling in the Senate. That bill would have taxed their profits, known as carried interest, as ordinary income rather than capital gains. If enacted, the legislation would increase taxes on many executives from a marginal rate of 15 percent to 35 percent. The industry also is concerned about some provisions in the Dodd-Frank financial services reform law, such as those that will require registration and greater disclosure by hedge funds and impose tighter rules on the trading of derivatives. Wait - stop the presses. Are you saying these poor guys might have to get by on just $800 million a year instead of the cool billion they’ve been pulling down? How’s that fair? Living the billionaire lifestyle ain’t cheap you know.

But the animus of hedge fund titans toward Obama and the Democrats was also driven by what they viewed as politically charged rhetoric that stigmatized them. It was bad enough when you attempted to increase their taxes President Obama, but when you hurt their feelings you crossed the line.

“Look, it was the demonization, the anti-hedge fund rhetoric,” said one Wall Street hedge fund executive who was instrumental in helping to arrange donations to the GOP. Just because someone behaves like a scumbag doesn’t mean they want to be labeled a scumbag. Makes sense to me.

“These guys,” he added, “manage billions of dollars from pension funds, from investors, local governments.” When Obama last year attacked the industry as “speculators” and criticized their role in Chrysler’s bankruptcy, many executives went ballistic. “It was the cheap-shot, class-warfare rhetoric that pissed them off,” said the executive, who spoke on condition of anonymity. Gambling with other people’s money is a tough gig man so back the fuck off okay, Mr. President.

The new GOP-controlled House may be far friendlier to the hedge fund industry, as some of its key allies are now poised to inherit important leadership positions. Incoming Majority Leader Eric Cantor of Virginia has been a key critic of the “carried interest” proposal and recently vowed to “reign in the regulatory policies” under the Dodd-Frank law to block it. In the last two years, Cantor’s campaign committee; his leadership political action committee, the Every Republican is Crucial PAC; and the Cantor Victory Committee, a joint fundraising committee he headed, all received substantial contributions from hedge fund partners. Among them: $31,400 from Cohen and executives at SAC, $32,400 from Blue Ridge Capital and $50,200 from Gruss Investments. Six top executives at the giant private equity firm KKR also contributed $55,000 to Cantor’s joint fundraising committee. More with the victory committees… I guess you can never have too many bitch boys at your disposal in Washington.

Asked for comment, Brad Dayspring, a spokesman for the majority leader, said that Cantor “has made clear that the new Republican majority will use the oversight process and all means at its disposal — including the power of appropriations — to expose and repeal regulations that kill jobs and are barriers to capital formation and economic growth.” In other words whatever the supplier of my booze and hookers wants, the supplier of my booze and hookers gets.

So there you have it. Big business abusing campaign contribution loopholes to buy the GOP’s allegiance and protect their interests in Washington. It’s the ‘new’ American way. God bless America and God bless the GOP.

F*ck You Pakistan

2011-01-07T13:31:00.000-08:00

As 26-year-old Mumtaz Qadri, the suspected assassin of a liberal Pakistani governor, entered court in Islamabad on Wednesday a rowdy crowd patted him on the back and kissed his cheeks while lawyers showered him with rose petals. On the way out a group of some 200 sympathizers chanted slogans in his favor, then the suspect stood at the back door of an armored police van and repeatedly yelled “God is great.”

Less than 200 miles away, the prime minister joined thousands to mourn the loss of Salman Taseer, the Punjab province Governor who dared to challenge the demands of Islamic extremists. In recent weeks Taseer had spoken forcefully in favor of clemency for a Christian woman sentenced to death for allegedly insulting Islam's Prophet, Muhammad. In response conservative religious parties staged a massive one-day strike at the end of December to protest any attempt by the government to amend the blasphemy laws (which order death for those who insult Islam). In the face of such protest, the ruling Pakistan People's Party (a largely secular minded party) said it had no plans to amend the laws. But 66-year-old Taseer, who was a senior member of the ruling party and a close ally of U.S.-backed Pakistani President Asif Ali Zardari, refused to back down, triggering death threats and ultimately his assassination.

On Tuesday in an Islamabad market Qadri allegedly pumped more than 20 rounds from his assault rifle into Taseer's back while he was supposed to be protecting him as a bodyguard. Questions immediately arose over how Qadri managed to be assigned to Taseer's security detail. Faisal Raza Abdi, political adviser to President Zardari, said Punjab police told him that the department had months ago deemed Qadri a security risk and warned that he should not be assigned to protect high-profile figures. Abdi said the fact that he was allowed to guard Taseer suggested others may have played a role in the killing. "I do not think this is an individual act. It is a well-planned murder," he told The Associated Press by phone. When questioned by authorities, Qadri said he acted because of Taseer's vocal opposition to blasphemy laws, but he did not indicate whether he had acted alone.

The contrast of cheers and mourning across Pakistan provide a fitting backdrop for a country caught in a nearly sixty year tailspin from a nation defined by moderate Islam to one increasingly influenced by fundamentalists prone to use violence to impose their views. Taseer’s assassination only underscores the tumultuous environment in this nuclear-armed wasteland, where the economy is a total cluster fuck and suicide attacks by Taliban-linked groups continue to be a threat. The government is also struggling with the collapse of its ruling coalition.

Analysts say a majority of Pakistan's Muslims still follow a moderate form of Sufi-influenced Islam, but evidence points to the contrary. An influential group of some 500 clerics and scholars from the Barelvi sect, which opposes the Taliban, praised Taseer's assassination. The Jamat Ahle Sunnat group said no one should pray or express regret for the killing of the governor. The group also issued a veiled threat to other opponents of the blasphemy laws: "The supporter is as equally guilty as the one who committed blasphemy," the group warned in a statement, adding politicians, the media and others should learn "a lesson from the exemplary death."

Memo to crazy Islamic extremists: You suck and your blasphemy laws are complete bullshit. Who the fuck cares if someone wants to insult your precious Muhammad? Here, I’ll do it right now: Muhammad is a false prophet and you’re all going straight to hell for your lack of respect for human life and your egregious assaults on humanity. You would assume kill a man for disagreeing with your religious beliefs? What does that say about you as people? It shows that you are a decrepit bunch of insecure weaklings who lack faith, integrity, and the basic intelligence necessary to differentiate right from wrong. You say “the supporter is as equally guilty as the one who committed blasphemy”? Then I say the supporter of a murdering lunatic is as equally guilty as the murdering lunatic himself. Mumtaz Qadri is a pathetic coward who shot a defenseless man 20 times in the back (a man he was paid to protect no less). For his sins he will surely burn for all eternity. By praising and celebrating Qadri as a hero you can burn alongside him, you evil half-wits. Regardless of how you interpret the words of the Qur’an, I’m pretty sure Allah’s intentions were not for you to murder innocent people. Are you so blinded by your own insecurities that you can’t see this?

Salman Taseer was a righteous and decent man with a family and friends who loved him. He stood up for what he believed in and consistently governed in the best interests of his people. He deserved more than to be shot in the back and to die alone on the floor of a dirty Pakistani market. Shame on the “People’s” Party for allowing this assassination to occur and shame on anyone who had a hand in planning it. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. once said, “He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it.” There’s blood on the hands of those who perpetrated this heinous crime and there’s blood on the hands of those who did nothing to stop it. You say we should all learn "a lesson from the exemplary death." All we have learned is that Pakistan is a festering pit full of soulless recreants who place no value on human life. I’ll see you in hell you depraved mother fuckers.

Thank the Gays

2010-12-23T11:16:00.000-08:00

When I was a younger man I was closed minded and ignorant, no question about it. During my college years I worked at a restaurant in a predominately gay part of San Diego called Hillcrest. I specifically remember the arguments I used to have with my homosexual coworkers regarding the righteousness (or lack thereof) of their lifestyle “choice”. My position was that homosexuality is completely unnatural on the basis that two members of the same sex cannot procreate, and therefore it’s not what nature intended. Fortunately I evolved and soon became aware of the pigheaded errors in my ill-conceived judgment. Error #1: People don’t “choose” to be gay – either you are or you aren’t – it’s hardwired into our DNA from birth. (Don’t get me started on bisexuals – that’s a whole other post in itself) Error #2: How do we know that homosexuality isn’t nature’s way of controlling population growth, which would by definition make it every bit as natural as heterosexuality?

Think about it - the earth has a limited amount of natural resources and can therefore only support a finite amount of life for a finite amount of time. Unlike global warming, over-population and the diminishment of earth’s natural resources are two actual problems facing humanity. Perhaps homosexuality was a part of the master plan all along to help keep the population in check, but until only recently has society become enlightened enough to accept it as non-deviant behavior (except in the red states of course where apparently it’s okay to have sex with your cousin but it’s not okay to be gay). If you think about it in these terms the gays are actually doing the rest of the population a favor by jumping on the proverbial reproduction grenade, so that we straights may continue to fill the world with our own judgmental offspring.

Which is brings us to the moral responsibility of all parents, and I cannot express the importance of this enough. It’s 2010 people - we’re just 2 short years from being introduced to the 4th dimension of space and time (allegedly). During this the season of giving please, please, please teach your children not to be threatened by, to hate, or to forsake the gays, but instead teach them to tolerate, accept, and even thank the gays. Yes - they take part in the love that dare not speak its name, but open your mind and you’ll see that gays are entitled to the exact same rights to life, love, and happiness as everyone else in this crazy, mixed up world. If anything the gays actually deserve more rights as they’re not part of the serious over-population problem facing the world today, but instead they’re part of the solution. It’s just too bad there aren’t more Chinese gays (1 out of every 5 babies born in the world today is Chinese).

And to my homosexual coworkers from the Corvette Diner in San Diego in the early 1990’s I apologize – you were right and I was wrong.

The Quinsey Blog

10 Things I Hate Most About You

2010-12-16T09:10:00.000-08:00

Sitting in the airport on yet another flight delay, growing more and more bitter and impatient with each passing announcement. When I was younger I actually used to enjoy business travel – the excitement of experiencing a new city with new people, new hotels, and new restaurants. Now that I’m older and wiser I see it exactly for what it is – a big fucking yet necessary drag. The casual traveler might think that the worst part of travel is the security lines, or the awkward pat downs, or the inevitable winter time flight delays. But the savvy business traveler knows full well that the absolute worst part of traveling isn’t any of those things, but instead the other travelers themselves. What follows is my list of the 10 things I hate most about you, fellow occupier of the not-so-friendly skies (you know exactly who you are):

1) I hate it that your boarding pass clearly states B19 yet you insist on standing shamelessly in the B11 – B15 section intentionally holding your boarding pass face down, hoping no one will discover that you’re a miserable fraud (if I get stuck in a middle seat because of you I swear you’re fucking dead).

2) I hate it when you board the plane and ask me a stupid question you clearly already know the answer to: “Excuse me sir, but are you saving that seat for someone?” (no genius – I just put my bag there for the fuck of it – beat it, fatty)

3) I hate it that your carry on is the size of a small country yet you insist on squeezing it into the overhead compartment (oh no problem dude, that’s just my suit coat you just smashed into the back of the overhead – I’m sure it won’t be wrinkled at all when we land).

4) I hate it when you flash a judgmental look in my direction after I order an alcoholic beverage at 7:00 in the morning (hey lady – it’s the end of the quarter, I’m all fuckin stressed out, and it’s just one drink so back the fuck off, alright?)

5) I hate it when you wear so much freaking perfume that it makes my eyes water and my head hurt (I know you think you’re doing everyone on the plane a favor by trying to conceal your gross, old lady smell but I’ll take stinky old person over vomit inducing combo of floor cleaner, mouth wash, and air freshener any day of the week).

6) I hate it when you recline your seat so far back that you’re essentially laying in my lap (here’s a tip – if I can see the hairs inside your nose you’re too fucking close to me).

7) I hate it that you insist on talking my ear off for the duration of the flight even though I gave you no opening to start talking to me in the first place and haven’t even slightly feigned interest in a single, stupid word you’ve said the entire trip (news flash: when someone has ear phones in and deliberately avoids making eye contact with you at all costs, it’s probably a good idea to leave them the fuck alone).

8) I hate it when you fall asleep and involuntarily lean your dirty head on my shoulder (if I slap you across the face as hard as I can to wake you up please don’t take it personally).

9) I hate it that when the plane pulls into to the gate and the fasten seat belt sign goes off, you bum rush the front of the plane like it’s black Friday at Walmart (yo jackass – sit the fuck down and wait your turn until EVERYONE in front of you has exited their rows – why do I even need to tell you this?)

10) I hate it that once you spot your luggage in baggage claim you sprint up to the carousel in a panic, rip off your ridiculously large suitcase in an adrenalin induced moment of super human strength, and in the process take out the five people standing immediately nearest to you (you do realize that if you miss it on the first go round your luggage will come back again on the very next rotation, right?)

I realize you have a lot of choices for air travel and hope that in the future you consider behaving like a decent human being before ever getting on my flight again.

Sincerely,

The Quinsey Blog

LPGA Opens Huge Can of Worms

2010-12-02T08:10:00.000-08:00

Let me preface this post by stating that I care about professional women’s golf just about as much as I care about professional women’s basketball, and I care about professional women’s basketball only slightly less than I care about professional women’s softball (have you seen Jennie Finch?). That said I just had to chime in on this recent change in LPGA tour policy.

The LPGA's players voted Tuesday to allow transgender women golfers a chance to play on the tour by amending the organization's constitution and removing the "female at birth" requirement. The vote came at a meeting ahead of the LPGA Tour Championship, which starts Thursday at Grand Cypress Golf Club in Orlando (which no one including myself will be watching). The change followed a lawsuit filed by a transgender woman over the "female at birth" requirement. Lana Lawless, a 57-year-old who underwent gender reassignment surgery in 2005, filed the lawsuit in U.S. District Court in San Francisco (where else?) in October, claiming the policy violates California civil rights laws. Lawless won the women's world championship in long-drive golf in 2008 (duh – she’s a dude), but was barred from competing this year because Long Drivers of America -- which oversees the event -- had changed its policy to mirror that of the LPGA.

I’m going to sound callous and insensitive here, but what the fuck, several of my recent posts have been on the touchy, feely side and I think I’m more than overdue for some inappropriate honesty so here goes. Just because you’ve had your junk clipped, a pair of fun bags bolted on, and try like hell to conceal your Janet Reno man-voice, that doesn’t mean you’re a lady, Lana. And the last time I checked the LPGA still stands for LADIES Professional Golf Association. What the hell were those nags thinking? I can hear the crazy wheels turning already. There’s probably at least a half dozen over-zealous male golf pros out there (who weren’t quite good enough to cut it on the men’s tour – no pun intended) contemplating hacking off their junk to make another run at glory on the women’s tour. Not to mention all the misguided souls who flamed out in other sports. Whether it was their intention or not those dimwits on the LPGA tour just opened up a huge can of worms and allowed nut jobs across the world to make a full fledged assault on professional women’s sports.

Do I think Lana Lawless (love the irony in his/her last name) is a hermaphroditic freak show? Sure, a little (don’t judge me - I grew up in east county), but I’m all for civil rights and I firmly believe that everyone including transgenders deserves equal rights and treatment under the law. I also happen to think that Mr./Ms. Lawless’ lawsuit is an egregious abuse of the civil rights system, and that by allowing a former man to participate in a professional woman’s sport we’re granting him/her greater than equal rights under the law. If Lawless is so intent on playing professional golf perhaps he/she should start their own transgender tour – the TPGA (wonder what tees they’d hit from?).

We all know exactly why the LPGA players voted in favor of this policy change. You’re all thinking it so I’ll go ahead and say it. Most of the players on the professional women’s tour are gay (or at least they sure look that way) so they’re naturally more sensitive to the plight of transgenders and the difficulties they face fitting in. That said it should come as no surprise that they voted to include transgender women on the tour. The problem is transgender women aren’t really (biologically speaking) women at all. It’s hard to believe they could be so short-sighted and not consider the impact this policy change would have on not just professional women’s golf but professional women’s sports as a whole.

Well done LPGA - and you thought the ratings were bad before.

Name That Protest

2010-11-29T15:57:00.000-08:00

I don't speak Urdu (national language of Pakistan) but judging from the lady in yellow's grill I'm fairly confident this protest has something to do with improved dental healthcare? Wow.

Why I’m Definitely Going to Heaven or Maybe Not: A Debate with Myself on Religion

2010-11-25T08:27:00.000-08:00

The other day at the airport I made a small donation to some lady sitting on the sidewalk holding out a coffee can. As I walked away she exclaimed “God loves you.” It’s not the first time I’ve heard someone say this but it got me thinking on the flight home. If God really loves me why did he make me 5’9” instead of 6’2”? And if He really loves me why did he make me just athletic enough to fall completely in love with sports but not nearly athletic enough to excel in them? And why did He make me intelligent enough to question every aspect of my being and His very existence but not intelligent enough to figure any of it out? And why did He put so much damn beauty in the world but not grant me the time nor the resources to enjoy more than a just a fraction of it? If God really loves me then why do I have so many questions and so few answers?

I do not consider myself a religious person. I do believe in a higher power. I don’t believe we are here by some cosmic accident. At the same time I’m not so sure that the higher power (God) intended us to use organized religion as a means to structure our lives. You hear the term “faith” used often in a religious context. To me the notion of “faith” is just a convenient way to pass off questions we don’t have answers to. I can’t see God so how do I know He/She really exists? I didn’t witness the resurrection of Jesus Christ so how do I know it actually occurred? I never met any of the apostles personally so how can I trust that their stories are true? Just because organized religion has existed for over 2000 years how do we know it’s what we’re supposed to be doing? I know, I know – I don’t have any “faith” – literally or figuratively. So I figured it would be a good idea to have a debate with myself on this issue.

Argument against organized religion:

Some sociologists believe that religion is a man made convention created to provide human beings with the necessary belief that our lives have purpose. Others say it was created as a defense mechanism to ease our fears about death and the afterlife. Some even go so far as to suggest that religion is a lie told to placate the masses. Karl Marx once stated: “Religion is the opium of the people.” Marx, Freud, and Feuerbach have provided some of the more famous social commentary on religion. While they didn’t agree on all points they concurred in the belief that organized religion is nothing more than a tool used to keep the public in line and on target with the greater goals of the aristocracy. Regardless of the source the point is the same. Religion has no basis in reality and is instead the creation of faith out of myth for the purpose of population control.

Furthermore the dangers of blind religious faith at the expense of logic and reason have been well documented throughout history: the Crusades, the European Conquest of North America, the Inquisition, the 17th Century “Wars of Religion,” and the numerous attacks on scientific advancement (Galileo’s persecution along with countless other barriers to scientific inquiry during the Enlightenment) are just a few examples. More recently look no further than the violent fundamentalist actions of Muslim extremists and the rampant intolerance and human rights violations which stem from Islamic Sharia Law, for proof that organized religion has no place in modern society. The cause of every major war throughout history can also be traced back to a religious conflict or conflicts. God may have had a plan for us but it certainly didn’t entail killing each other in the name of organized religion.

Conclusion: For all these reasons and many more organized religion is bad for humanity. As James Madison once stated: “Religious bondage shackles and debilitates the mind and unfits it for every noble enterprise, every expanded prospect.”

Argument in favor of organized religion:

Numerous religious organizations throughout the world make positive contributions to society on a daily basis. Throughout most of recorded history for example, the main protector of much of the rich cultural heritage of the West has been the Christian Church. The Church can also be credited with preserving the artwork of Michelangelo, bringing together the writings of The Bible (arguably the greatest single literary achievement ever), and the storage and preservation of almost two thousand years of history. The Church financed the exploration and discovery of the New World, supported the abolition of slavery, and has consistently stood up for human rights throughout the world. Not only does religious belief have a legitimate place in life, but organized religious belief has a legitimate place in organized society.

Beyond organized religion’s positive contributions throughout history, religious advocates argue that religion is paramount to any just and moral society. George Washington once stated: “Let us with caution indulge the supposition that morality can be maintained without religion. Reason and experience both forbid us to expect that national morality can prevail in exclusion of religious principle.” What he meant is that human beings are born sinners and without organized religion to help keep us on the righteous path we could easily revert to a life devoid of purpose and value. It makes perfect sense if you really think about it. If we were not accountable to some higher power (God) why would we not choose to live a life full of simple pleasures and self-indulgence without regard to our fellow man? In this regard religion is a necessity to maintain morality.

Faith is also an important source of strength and inspiration in the lives of most believers. "God is our refuge and our strength, an ever-present help in trouble."- Pslams 46:1 That being the case even if religion is a lie, if it makes people feel better about themselves and what lies ahead, how can it possibly be considered a bad thing? Furthermore without religion how are we supposed to process the concept of death? It’s far too depressing to think that when we die we simply flicker out like a candle then spend the rest of eternity rotting in the ground. I have absolutely no idea if death is truly the end of our journey or simply the beginning of a new, better one. But I personally choose to believe in the latter, otherwise what’s the point of life at all? So apparently I do have faith in something.

Conclusion: For all these reasons and many more organized religion is good for humanity. As Thomas Merton once stated: “By reading the scriptures I am so renewed that all nature seems renewed around me and with me. The sky seems to be a pure, a cooler blue, the trees a deeper green. The whole world is charged with the glory of God and I feel fire and music under my feet.”

And the winner is?

Anyone who has found peace in what they do or don’t believe in so long as what they do or don’t believe affords tolerance and understanding to all those with differing beliefs. As Frederick the Great once stated: “All religions must be tolerated... for... every man must get to heaven his own way.”

The Dalai Lama might have put it best when he said: “Whether one believes in a religion or not, and whether one believes in rebirth or not, there isn't anyone who doesn't appreciate kindness and compassion.” So on this Thanksgiving Day, 2010, love thyself and love thy neighbor. Love is the only way.

Peace,

The Quinsey Blog

Deep Thoughts From The Jersey Shore

2010-11-17T07:52:00.001-08:00

Okay, so I finally watched Jersey Shore for the first time. I know – where have I been for the past 2 years, right? I’m not a big fan of reality television but it was on at the gym while I pedaled on my stationary bike so I decided why not give it a watch and see what all the buzz is about. Plus ESPN was running a story on the WNBA so what the hell else was I gonna do? In a word, WOW. I was a little distracted checking e-mail and playing scrabble on my phone but as best I could tell Jersey Shore is a documentary (I use the term loosely) about a group of over-tanned, sex-crazed narcissists who live together in a house in Miami even though they’re all from New Jersey. Judging from their lifestyles I’m guessing they’re all twenty-somethings but a couple of the guys might be north of thirty. They all have bad Jersey accents and work in a t-shirt shop except for the dude with magic shell hair (DJ Pauly D) who is obviously a DJ (good detective work on my part). While they’re not working at the t-shirt shop or being a DJ the guys appear to spend their time lifting weights and whitening their teeth while the ladies spend the majority of their time getting ready to go out clubbing. Oh yeah and they’re all alcoholics and I suspect one of them (Snooki) might also be slightly retarded. Have I nailed down the general plot line? The cast includes an annoying bitch who never shuts up (Angelina), a lovable slut whose boobs somehow defy every law of gravity (J-WOWW), a muscle head who apparently doesn’t own a shirt (Ronnie), a miserable tease who passes herself off as a sweetheart (Sammi), a douche bag who loves to refer to himself in the third person (The Situation), a mama’s boy who has visibly gay tendencies (Vinny), and the aforementioned DJ Pauly D and Snooki. To call this show a train wreck would be an insult to train wrecks everywhere. What immediately struck me was the (for lack of a better term) rampant incest amongst the cast members. J-WOWW claims to have a steady boyfriend yet hooked up with DJ Pauly D in the episode I watched. The Situation seems to have a thing for Sammi but I watched Sammi hook up with Ronnie while Vinny watched. Meanwhile at the club they all ended up groping on themselves, each other, and multiple other random participants. Then back at the house the party continued as everyone hooked up with someone (hard to say exactly who was grinding on who as the cast members all creepily resemble one another) except for poor Snooki who tried to hook up with some dude but instead got thrown up on (I would sincerely hate to be around on laundry day in that festering cesspool they call a house). Did I mention everyone on the show is an alcoholic?

As I watched in disbelief I wondered to myself how this pathetic show could have possibly remained on the air for over two years (with a third season in the works), and how these vacuous lowlifes could possibly be considered celebrities? Then I remembered Joseph Conrad’s character Marlow from Heart of Darkness and what he referred to as “fascination of the abomination,” and it all made perfect sense. Human beings are fundamentally flawed creatures. As such we are drawn toward destruction, debauchery, and generally abhorrent things. Don’t agree with this statement? Think about it a little more. When driving by a car accident why is it nearly impossible to look away from the carnage? And when walking by a crime scene closed off by yellow police tape why are we so damn curious to find out what happened? And after a natural disaster (earthquake, hurricane, tsunami, etc.) why are we compelled to tune in and watch media coverage of the tragic event? And what about when we find out about a friend’s infidelity or adultery, why are we so anxious to hear all the juicy details? As I see it the fascination with Jersey Shore is really no different than any of these things. By watching people who are so utterly shallow, loathsome, and completely devoid of moral values we can’t help but feel better about ourselves and our own lives flawed as they may be. Snooki, The Situation, and the rest of their bronzed cronies might as well be victims of a car accident, a crime scene, or a natural disaster because they’d literally serve the same purpose as they do now. And there you have it – life imitating art imitating life through those douches on The Jersey Shore. I bet you never knew the producers on MTV were so deep (and I’m sure they didn’t either).

When Did Politics Get So F*cked Up?

2010-11-02T10:42:00.001-07:00

I recently had the opportunity to spend some time with a high profile politician at an intimate gathering in a neighbor’s home. Out of respect for the organizer I will not refer to the politician by name. The purpose of the get together was to have an intelligent political conversation over wine and appetizers. The crowd was largely (okay entirely with the exception of one person - my wife) Republican so the political conversation I expected turned out to be more of a gratuitous ass-kissing session than anything else. It quickly became apparent that said politician is a very intelligent person. It also became apparent that they’re completely in love with the sound of their own voice. A wise person once told me “never assume you’re the smartest person in the room” - advice this politician has clearly never heard or chooses to ignore. Don’t get me wrong, they said all the right things. They acknowledged that America is in serious trouble and that it will take sacrifices from everyone to get us back on track. They stressed the importance of job creation, of education, and of building a new generation of independent citizens who don’t rely so heavily upon the government. I couldn’t agree more on all fronts. They also spoke of their public feud with Nancy Pelosi, which I appreciated considering how much I detest Nancy Pelosi and everything she stands for. When I finally got the chance to speak with this politician one on one and ask them a real political question however (as opposed to the grapefruits the rest of the crowd was lobbing over the plate), I was very disappointed in their response. They literally looked right through me, gave a generic and equally ambiguous answer, then abruptly walked away to talk with someone else. My question was about the Tea Party and the negative shadow it’s casting on the Republican Party as a whole, but that’s not even the important part. Their terse, uninspired response wasn’t the important part either. What really struck me more than anything else was how easily they passed me off. I’m not sure if it was my age (I was one of just a handful of Gen X'ers in the crowd) or because they weren’t interested in having a serious political conversation with a political nobody, but it was evident they couldn’t get away from me fast enough. The gathering ended with a calculated dissertation on how they planned to make America great again insinuating a presidential run in 2012, assuming they could garner enough support from the very crowd they pandered to, which of course prompted another round of shameless ass-kissing. But back to my point – when I interacted with this politician it was like I wasn’t even there. Which is a great illustration of why I’ve grown so damn apathetic towards politicians and politics as a whole.

I’m only picking on this particular politician because they are after all the inspiration for this post, but they’re really no different than any other politician out there. Bottom line people will say whatever it takes to get elected and once elected will rarely deliver on the promises they made to the voting public during their campaigns. The promises they made to the special interest groups who funded their campaigns are a different story however. The latter promises are the ones made behind closed doors that you and I never hear about, and the ones that will always take precedent over the former. Therefore under the current system we have absolutely no way of knowing when a politician is being sincere and when a politician is completely full of shit. As proven by my experience at my neighbor’s gathering politicians don’t really want to get to know the people they “serve”, so how are we ever supposed to get to know them?

Smart guys and gals in expensive suits speaking in metaphors and ideologies extrapolated from the empirical data gathered by their entourage of political researchers and staffers. What’s the one thing they all have in common? Is it their love for America and its fine citizens, for the beliefs and traditions that this great nation were built upon? Yeah, right. Try an unflappable love for themselves, their careers, and above all else a paramount need to be the center of attention. I’m sure there are one or two honest politicians left in Washington who are there to serve the people, but the rest of those philandering narcissists are in it for one reason and one reason only, to serve themselves. Everyone’s heard the saying “absolute power corrupts absolutely”, and this statement couldn’t be more true than in politics. Take Rod Blagojevich for example. As the Governor of Illinois he tried to “sell” Obama’s vacated senate seat to the highest bidder and got caught red-handed doing it. We only found out about this incident because one of his aides was a snitch. Just think about all the shady political deals taking place every day that the public never hears about. If Nancy Pelosi was able to fund a private jet using public money who knows what other shenanigans she’s been up to over the last thirty years of her political career? Our nation continues to fall further into debt (13 trillion at the moment and growing) yet politicians continue to abuse the system for their own personal gain. And the experts wonder why voter turnout continues to shrink every year.

How about the political debates set up by the “unbiased” media to help voters figure out where the candidates stand on the issues? Please, what the hell are we supposed to learn from canned questions from high profile mediators that the candidates have already memorized responses to? The content in those debates is about as genuine as the shit eating grin on any politicians face when shaking hands with a potential voter.

And don’t even get me started on negative campaigning. With all the mud throwing and finger pointing taking place these days it’s hard to know where a candidate even stands on the simplest of issues. I liken it to a fat guy pointing out how ugly his opponent is to detract from the fact that he’s a disgusting lard ball. So then all we’ve learned at the end of the campaign is that one of the candidates is ugly while the other is fat. How’s that going to help us figure out who to vote for?
I’ve gotten to the point where I no longer consider myself a Republican or a Democrat. I simply consider myself a person who’s fed up with all the bullshit. Clearly the system is broken and until it’s fixed I for one will continue to practice political abstinence (or at least I’ll be sure to wear a condom when I vote).

To summarize my rant I see the following problems with politics today (among other things):

1) Current campaign financing laws allow special interest groups to buy a candidate’s allegiance.

2) Voters have no way to ascertain a candidate’s true character because under the current system candidates and their respective parties are able to manipulate public perception by picking and choosing what gets filtered through the media and how it’s delivered.

3) Too much media exposure has resulted in high profile politicians behaving like over-indulged celebrities.

4) A lack of checks and balances has allowed elected officials to abuse their office for personal gain.

5) Negative campaigning confuses voters (at least those who lack the intelligence to see through it which is, let’s face it, most of America) and blurs where candidates stand on the issues.

The solution? I certainly don’t have all the answers and the ideas I’m about to propose probably aren’t even feasible for a number of reasons. That being said the best beginning to any solution is acknowledging there’s a problem in the first place, so here’s a first pass at some pragmatic solutions to cut through the crap:

1) Eliminate campaigning altogether. No campaign financing = no allegiance to the special interest groups. Go old school – have candidates write a college admissions style paper describing themselves, their beliefs, their philosophies, their hopes and dreams, and why they got into politics in the first place. Publish them on the web for all to see. Then have various town hall meetings across the country where actual voters ask unscripted questions and the candidates must respond on their feet. Outside of these activities outlaw any form of campaigning through the media across the board (no commercials, no radio spots, no social networking, etc.). If a candidate wants to go door to door to shake hands and spread their message more power to em. In order to eliminate an unfair advantage for wealthy candidates (a la Meg Whitman) make it illegal to spend any personal funds on campaigning as well (no paid staffers to go door to door for you, no billboard messages, no bumper stickers, no printed lawn signs, etc.). I know I’m over simplifying here but it seems like an easy solution to cut out tons of bullshit (negative campaigning) and wasteful spending. And perhaps the hundreds of millions of dollars saved in campaign financing could be used to help stimulate our feeble economy (two birds, one stone).

2) Cut down on media exposure for all elected officials. Granted, the president will still have to make TV appearances but eliminate media coverage for every other elected office on a national, state, and local level. If they’re not on TV they won’t feel like movies stars and then perhaps they’ll stop behaving that way. Plus when you take fame off the table you’ll probably start to weed out a majority of the candidates who get into politics for all the wrong reasons in the first place. And a side benefit - without public exposure for politicians guys like Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, and James Carville will have no reason to pollute the airwaves.

3) Establish a better system of checks and balances to prevent politicians from abusing their office for personal gain. Create ultimate transparency by publishing every decision an elected official makes on the web for all to see. If they can’t defend or stand behind each of their actions they clearly won’t be comfortable having them published on the web, and they will have no choice but to do the right thing and act in the best interests of the public. Otherwise they’ll be exposed on the spot and forced to resign (without the time and expense involved in an investigation or trial).

Politicians would have us believe that the issues and problems they face on a daily basis are complex and unwieldy. Perhaps if we address the fundamental problems that exist within the current political process with extremely simple solutions then the so-called complexity would go away. Something to think about on Election Day.

The 100th Post of the Quinsey Blog

2010-10-12T13:04:00.000-07:00

100 posts and what have we learned other than that I love midgets and am disgusted by fat people? Almost two and a half years later after countless hours of research, writing, proof-reading, and revisions the following topics have been featured on the Quinsey Blog:

The commencement speech I would deliver at a graduation
The horrors of getting a man massage
The egregious misuse of “replying to all”
Over-zealous religion pimpers
Heightism
Oprah Winfrey’s abnormal influence over people and their careers
Chris Blatchford’s excessive pausing
Ridiculous celebrity baby names
Characteristics of a tool
The establishment of a national stop the stupid registry
The irresponsibility of the US government
The San Diego sports curse
My hatred of TJ Simers
Why white people shouldn’t dance
The Last Lecture
George W.’s inexplicable ignorance
The importance of keeping the fun lamp lit
Why I love Al Davis
The Wall Street Bailout
OJ Simpson’s legal troubles
AIG’s fleecing of the tax payers
Prop 8
Tony Kornheiser and his need to be fired
McCain’s resemblance to Howdy Doody
Partisan politics
Lance Armstrong and the Tour De France
San Diego Padres management
Guns, alcohol, and off-duty cops
Nebraska’s safe haven loophole
The Big Three’s visit to Washington
A Walmart employee trampled to death on black Friday
Rod Blagojevich and his crookery
The Duggars and their baby factory
Kwanzaa
A look back on 2008
The world through the eyes of a douche
Real Chance of Love’s revelation moment
Boy George’s sex scandal
A potential father of the year candidate
Jib Jab videos and Christmas letters
The realities of a down economy
The legalization of marijuana
The Octomom
Dancing with the Stars
British and French nuclear submarines
Winston Churchill and his awesomeness
China’s harassment of a US vessel
Alex Rodriguez and his lack of judgment
A polar bear attack at the Berlin zoo
Nancy Pelosi (aka Satan)
My love of midgets
Reflections on Memorial Day
Foreign relations advice for President Obama
My Heart of Darkness book report gaffe
The fan riots in LA
Reverse racism
The deification of Michael Jackson
Global warming
Ambien CR
Characteristics of a soccer tool
Kenny MacAskill and why he sucks
The Mike Duvall open mike incident
Kanye West’s inappropriate outbursts
Reasons why my wife thinks I’m an asshole
Sobriety
Tiger Woods’ sex scandal
Name those headlines
Festivus
The Real Housewives of Orange County
The fattest woman on the planet
The inequities of the current tax code
SB 1070
Lindsey Lohan inspired words
The BP oil spill
Reasons to get your man card pulled
My love / hate affair with summer
2012 and the end of the world
Questions that keep me up at night
The Ladera Flasher
A man’s response to “23 Things Women Want”
The law of gravity
My love of Vegas
New lyrics for Blame It (On The Alcohol)
People who expect the government to solve their problems
Social networking
The death penalty

To call it a meandering assortment of subject matter would be an understatement. As “double rainbow guy” so profoundly beseeched in his infamous YouTube video: “What does it mean!?” Well, just like the "full double rainbow" I’m not sure exactly what it means but I do know what it represents. I love writing, I always have. What I didn’t realize until now is that other people actually enjoy reading what I write. My underlying goal with the Quinsey Blog has always been to educate while entertaining, to inform through humor and sarcasm, and mostly just to amuse. Though I haven’t always hit the mark on these objectives the overwhelming feedback I’ve received from this blog (both good and bad) has validated two things in my mind: 1) I can actually write, and 2) my voice has a place in the world. To that end I’ve decided to pursue writing as more than just a hobby. While I don’t plan on quitting my day job anytime soon I will now focus more of my efforts on works that are publishable (like the book I started writing 3+ years ago). When I’ve become a rich and famous author (you can stop laughing now) I’ll look back on this blog and more importantly the people who read it as the launching point. In closing I’ll leave you with a quote from Steve Jobs delivered during his 2005 commencement speech at Stanford University, which seems appropriate considering I started this blog with my own graduation commencement speech. I wrote it down several years ago but only now fully grasp its meaning.

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma -- which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become."

Why Some People Need To Die

2010-10-06T17:07:00.000-07:00

NEW HAVEN, Conn. — A paroled burglar was convicted Tuesday of killing a mother and her two daughters in a 2007 home invasion in an affluent Connecticut town and faces the possibility of being sentenced to death.

Steven Hayes, 47, was convicted of capital felony, murder, sexual assault and other counts by a jury that heard eight days of gruesome testimony about the July 2007 attacks on Jennifer Hawke-Petit and her daughters, 17-year-old Hayley and 11-year-old Michaela.

The sole survivor, Dr. William Petit, appeared to hold back tears as the verdict was read. His head down, he sucked in his bottom lip.

The verdict triggers a second phase of the trial, beginning Oct. 18, in which the same jurors will decide if Hayes should be executed or face life in prison.

Hayes' defense admitted his involvement in the fatal home invasion but blamed his co-defendant, Joshua Komisarjevsky, for being the aggressor. Komisarjevsky faces trial next year and also could be sentenced to death.

Komisarjevsky spotted the mother and her two daughters at a supermarket, followed them to their Cheshire home, then returned later with Hayes, authorities say.

The men broke into the Petit house in the New Haven suburb of Cheshire, beat William Petit with a baseball bat and forced Hawke-Petit to withdraw money from a bank before raping and strangling her, according to testimony. The men, both paroled burglars who met at a halfway house, tied the girls to their beds, put pillow cases over their heads and poured gas on or around them before setting the house on fire, authorities say.

The girls died of smoke inhalation. Authorities say the men were caught fleeing the scene.

How can you read about a heinous crime like this and not be in favor of the death penalty? Below are a few of the arguments I collected from those who oppose it:

1) A government's act to execute is a violation of human rights, especially if there remains a possibility that the individual is innocent.

2) The high reversal rate in death penalty cases illustrates the fallibility of the criminal justice process. Therefore the risk of executing an innocent person is too great to justify executing anyone.

3) The death penalty doesn’t make sense for economic reasons as the costs of trial and appeals for a capital case are far greater than would be the case if the death penalty were not sought.

4) The United States is out of step with other industrialized countries in its practice of the death penalty. The only other OECD country which permits the death penalty is Japan, and executions there are infrequent.

My response to each of these arguments? Complete bullshit.

1) I couldn’t care less about a murdering rapist’s human rights. I give them the same regard that the murdering rapists gave to their victims.

2) With modern DNA technology it’s almost impossible to convict an innocent person. The only cases being overturned are those from the past when DNA technology was in its infancy.

3) I don’t care how much it costs to fry a monster. Can you put a price on the lives they destroyed with their deplorable acts?

4) Since the days of the Declaration of Independence the United States has never been a country of followers. Why start now?

In other words you’d have to be a complete fucking moron to oppose the death penalty across the board. Certainly there are exceptions to the rule (crimes committed by the mentally retarded perhaps) but if you ask me the death penalty isn’t over used, it isn’t used enough. Think about all the stories you hear on the news about paroled sex offenders who strike again once released from prison (the Chelsea King case in San Diego comes to mind). Do you know why you hear these stories so often? Because rehabilitation doesn’t work, that’s why. Sick fucks like Steven Hayes and Joshua Komisarjevsky don’t need to be fixed. They couldn’t be fixed even if they wanted to be. The evil gene is so deeply entrenched in their DNA that there’s simply no getting it out. How else could you explain their disgustingly abhorrent behavior? They can’t be fixed so they need to be killed. I don’t see how it could be any clearer.

My thoughts and prayers go out to Dr. William Petit. No one should ever have to go through what you’ve gone through. The restraint and patience you’ve demonstrated since the rape and murder of your wife and children is astonishing. You are clearly a stronger man than I.

10 Random Questions on a Friday Afternoon

2010-10-01T13:23:00.001-07:00

After the touchy feely post I wrote yesterday I felt compelled to go the other direction today. Enjoy.

1) Why do old people smell funny? Are they literally rotting on the inside like a carton of milk past its expiration date? If that’s the case why do they always migrate to cities with warm climates? Don’t they know what happens to milk left out in the sun?

2) Am I the only one who feels like a complete idiot carrying a bag of my dog’s shit on our walks? After he’s done his business and I’ve picked it up I can’t find a trash can soon enough. I see people all the time swinging it around like a tennis racket or a handbag. That’s a bag shit people – not a basket of lollipops.

3) Have you ever noticed how Buzz Aldrin always seems pissed off? Do you suppose he’s still bitter about being the 2nd man on the moon? Can’t be easy playing the role of 2nd fiddle bitch to Neil Armstrong. Just ask Eli what it’s like to be Peyton’s brother?

4) What’s with all the aggressive sales people at mall kiosks these days? Back off Sa'id – I already told you I don’t need any fancy hand lotion and my wife’s not interested in your Euro hair straightening contraption.

5) Why do you always see old couples at restaurants who can go through an entire meal without saying one word to each other? After a certain amount of time being married do people just run out of things to talk about?

6) Why the hell would you ever ask a man what he’s feeling? Would you ask a retarded person what they’re thinking? Can’t take credit for this one – it’s the brain child of the dudes who wrote “Look At My Striped Shirt!”

7) Why do you see so many young, hot chicks with old, ugly, fat guys? Aren’t there more important things in life than money? Just the other day while I was in the airport I saw this attractive young woman holding hands with one of the oldest, ugliest, fattest dudes I’ve ever seen. I was tempted to slip her note that said “Have you been kidnapped? Do you need me to call the police?”

8) Is the anticipation of a vacation sometimes better than the vacation itself? Would this paradigm shift if they banned fat people from beaches?

9) Would Mormons have a higher conversion rate if missionaries looked cooler? Wearing a white, short sleeved dress shirt with a tie while riding a bicycle is like wearing a big sign around your neck that says: “I’m a huge douche - please kick my ass.”

10) How come the North Korean army does the same creepy, straight-legged march as the German Nazis? Is that something they teach at communist school? Don’t they know they could get their faster if they bent their knees?

Social Networking: A Blessing Or A Curse?

2010-09-30T13:54:00.000-07:00

I joined Facebook about a year ago and have really enjoyed reconnecting with old friends from the past. It’s great to see how their lives have turned out, what they do for a living, what their families look like, etc. In some cases I’ve even learned things about people (through reading their profiles) that I never knew about them when we were friends in real life. Had I known these things back then perhaps our relationships might have even turned out differently. If you think about it in these terms Facebook actually brings you closer to the people from your past. What concerns me is Facebook’s (and other social networking sites’) impact on the present. Just the other day it struck me that perhaps I’ve started to enjoy my “Facebook friends” even more than my real life friends. A disturbing sentiment yes, but it makes perfect sense if you really think about it. Consider how low maintenance your Facebook friends are compared to their real life counterparts. You never need to call them on the phone, or send them an e-mail, or shoot them a text to see how they’re doing. A simple “like” in response to their status update and you’ve made their day. You never need to give them a ride to the airport, or help them move, or collect their mail while they’re out of town. Jot a quick Happy Birthday message on their wall once a year and that’s proof enough how much you care. In the Facebook world you can go for weeks or even months without ever even acknowledging someone and your “friendship” is as strong as ever. And what about those instances where the drama gets to be too much or a friendship starts to feel like more trouble than it’s worth? Maybe it’s even as simple as somebody’s posting too much or sharing too many strong opinions about religion and politics. Hit the “unfriend” button and poof – problem solved. All the benefits of a real friendship with none of the downside - like having a pet that you never need to feed or clean up after. Those geniuses at Facebook actually figured out a way to take reality and make it better. Or did they?

For all of its many benefits social networking is killing the human connection. Why sit face to face and converse live with one person at a time when you can sit behind a computer monitor in your pajamas and communicate simultaneously with the masses via mouse clicks, status updates, tweets, etc? Why put yourself out there in the flesh, flaws exposed, when you can use technology to manipulate how other people see you? Why even bother to deal with the ugliness of reality at all when you can lead a relatively satisfying, ugly-free cyber-life instead? I think the answer to these questions depends on the answer to a larger question. What are you looking for in the relationships in your life? If you really want to experience other people and get to know their true essence there’s no substitute for spending time with them face to face, conversing with them over a cup of coffee or a cocktail, smiling at them and looking them straight in the eyes, or giving them a hug and feeling their warmth. When you rely on social networking for communication you never get more than a sanitized, pseudo-reality version of people, which in most cases is probably for the best. Just imagine all the bad things that could happen if your Facebook world suddenly collided with your real life world? There’s probably a good reason you lost touch with most of those people in the first place. On the flip side if someone is truly important to you or truly worth getting to know better, be sure to make time for them in the real world. At the end of the day your life will be made up of a series of moments and the people you shared them with. Choose those people carefully and once chosen be sure to invest personally in the relationships. Giving this advice is in no way an inference that I’m the greatest friend out there (I’m not) and it certainly doesn’t mean I’m going to shut down my Facebook account any time soon (that’s crazy talk). Writing stuff down is simply a cheaper form of therapy and it sometimes helps to keep me on track. In summary (I know - I’m starting to sound like Dr. Phil - I'll shut up soon) I think social networking can be a good thing but only in small doses and only if it doesn’t take away from the time and effort you put into your real life relationships.

Who knew I could write an entire post without sarcasm, cynicism, or profanity? Fuckin’ A.

CHANGE... your perspective

2010-09-21T15:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday President Obama attended a jobs forum and fielded questions from disappointed supporters. First off I thought it took real guts for the President to put himself out there like that so kudos to Mr. Obama for answering some really tough questions and being accountable to the very people who helped vote him into office. As for the job he’s doing as President of the most powerful nation in the free world (allegedly), not so much. That aside one woman’s question in particular really struck me. Below is the transcript of her question/s with the President’s response/s, followed by my commentary (of course).

Q Thank you very much and, quite frankly, good afternoon, President Obama. I am deeply honored to finally be in this forum, and so grateful for CNBC making the forum available so that you can speak to American citizens just like myself.

THE PRESIDENT: Well, thank you.

Q I am a chief financial officer for a veterans service organization, AmVets here in Washington. I'm also a mother, I'm a wife, I'm an American veteran, and I'm one of your middle-class Americans. And quite frankly, I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted of defending you, defending your administration, defending the mantle of change that I voted for --

THE PRESIDENT: Right.

Q -- and deeply disappointed with where we are right now.
I have been told that I voted for a man who said he was going to change things in a meaningful way for the middle class. I'm one of those people, and I'm waiting, sir. I'm waiting. I don't feel it yet. And I thought, while it wouldn't be in great measure, I would feel it in some small measure.
I have two children in private school. And the financial recession has taken an enormous toll on my family. My husband and I joked for years that we thought we were well beyond the hot dogs and beans era of our lives.

THE PRESIDENT: Right.

Q But quite frankly, it's starting to knock on our door and ring true that that might be where we're headed again. And quite frankly, Mr. President, I need you to answer this honestly, is this my new reality?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, first of all, I think that you describe exactly what is the bedrock of America -- a veteran who's working for veterans, somebody who is a CFO and I am sure knows how to manage their money, have made good decisions.

Q Sometimes. (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: I'm not saying once in a while you don't want to get a new pair of shoes. (Laughter.)

Q Today. (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: So the life you describe -- one of responsibility, looking after your family, contributing back to your community -- that's what we want to reward.
Now, as I said before, times are tough for everybody right now, so I understand your frustration. But I would just -- when you say there are things that you'd like to see happen or you're hoping to see happen that haven't happened yet, let me just give you a couple of examples.
I right now have two children -- it sounds like you've got kids, as well.

Q Two girls.

THE PRESIDENT: Two girls. You're going to be thinking about college soon.

Q Next year.

THE PRESIDENT: Okay. Now part of what we did over the last year and a half is to make sure that billions of dollars that were going to subsidize financial service industries under the federal student loan programs are now going to be going directly to students so that millions more students are going to be able to get loans and grants and scholarships to go to college. Now, that's going to have an impact on a whole bunch of kids out there, including maybe yours.
If you have a credit card, which I assume, you do --

Q No.

THE PRESIDENT: Well, see, now you're really -- now you've shown how responsible you are. (Laughter.) But if you have a mortgage or a credit card or any kind of financial dealings out there, as a consequence of the changes we made, the credit card companies can't increase your interest rate without notifying you, and they can't increase your interest rate on your previous balances. In terms of getting a mortgage, they -- you can't have a mortgage broker steer you to a mortgage that ultimately is going to cost you more money, because maybe they're getting a financial incentive to do so. Those things are now against the law. So there are a whole host of protections in there.
You are a parent who has children -- if your child, heaven forbid, had a preexisting condition, before I took office, you were out of luck in terms of being able to get health insurance for that child. Now, insurance companies have to give you health insurance for that child, and by the way, that health insurance can't drop you if you get sick.
So there are a whole host of things that we've put in place that do make your life better. But the bottom line is if your 401(K) is still down substantially from where it was a while back, if you haven't seen a raise in a long time, if your home value went down --

Q Keep going. (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: -- depending on where you live, all those things still make you feel like, gosh, I'm treading water.

Q Still struggling -- that's right.

THE PRESIDENT: And so my goal here is not to try to convince you that everything is where it needs to be. It's not. That's why I ran for President. But what I am saying is, is that we're moving in the right direction. And if we are able to keep our eye on our long-term goal -- which is making sure that every family out there, if they're middle class, that they can pay their bills, have the security of health insurance, retire with dignity and respect, send their kids to college; if they're not yet in the middle class, that there are ladders there to get into the middle class, if people work hard and get an education to apply themselves -- that's our goal. That's the America we believe in. And I think that we are on track to be able to do that.

My commentary:

A really tough question from one of his own constituents – I liked that (but I didn’t like where the question was coming from – see paragraphs 2 & 3 below). The President’s response? Mostly lip service. Almost two years in office and his administration has delivered the following: more student loan money for college tuition, the elimination of exorbitant rates on credit cards and mortgages, and health insurance for people with pre-existing conditions. All nice things but hardly the “CHANGE” everyone was “HOPING” for, am I right? I’d be curious to know how many frequent flier miles he’s racked up on his numerous exotic vacations and how many strokes he’s shaved off his handicap over that same time period? Whatever – history shows us that people will say whatever it takes to get elected, and that once elected will rarely deliver on the promises made during their campaigns. I get it. The United States government is a large and unwieldy beast. Even if you’re the President it’s not easy to get shit done. When I voted for Obama (gulp - my fellow Republicans will have a heyday with this information) I didn’t expect him to solve all of our country’s problems overnight or at all. Honestly all I really expected was for him to not fuck things up as much as McCain would have. Was I right? The jury’s still out on that one. I digress…

The point I’m trying to get to is that the problem with the United States today isn’t so much that our government is all fucked up (it is) or that the person in charge isn't working hard enough (he’s not), but rather that there are too many citizens (like the woman who questioned President Obama above) who feel sorry for themselves in the face of adversity and expect the government to make things better. Your 401K’s down significantly from where it was a few years ago? Bummer. You haven’t had a raise in 4 years or worse yet your income has actually decreased over that span? That sucks. Your home’s worth just a fraction of what it was a few years back? Join the club, lady. These problems are only affecting about oh 99% of the U.S. population so pardon me for not indulging in your personal pity party. Times are tough for everyone and there’s no guarantee things are going to get better any time soon (although economists recently announced that the recession was officially over as of last June - what, you didn’t get the memo either?). Amidst all of this economic uncertainty there is one undeniable truth I can guarantee however – expecting the U.S. government to fix your problems is about as futile as expecting Paris Hilton to stop doing drugs and making sex tapes. If you truly believe the government’s job is to take care of you and shield you from all the hurt in the world perhaps you should consider moving to China to join their robot army.

Otherwise stop feeling sorry for yourself and start proactively working towards a solution to your problems. Cut back on the things that aren’t an absolute necessity, adjust your lifestyle according to your new reality, or go out and find a different job to make more money. This country was built on making sacrifices in order to achieve the greater good. Right now is no different. Rather than focusing on how great things were 4 years ago and how shitty they are today, instead focus on how great things can be again and then work your ass off towards getting there. I wouldn’t be giving this advice if I wasn’t affected by it myself. You’d be hard pressed to find anyone hit harder by the current recession, depression, or whatever the hell you want to call it, than me. 4 years ago I was in fat city. Today I’m clawing and scratching just to get by. It would be real easy to sit around with my head in my hands and wait for the government to make things better. Unfortunately that would be one hell of a long wait. Just like in any other situation wallowing in my own discontent would do nothing but exacerbate the problem and prolong the pain. Bad times are only temporary unless we allow them to persist. Don’t ask the President why things haven’t gotten any better. He has no fucking idea why. Instead go out and make things better for yourself. Work hard, keep a positive attitude, and deal with your issues one day at a time knowing that things will ultimately get better. This is America for Christ's sake. For hundreds of years people have rolled up onto our shores with nothing but the clothes on their backs and gone on to be wildly successful. The only change you really need is the change you enact within yourself. So stop fucking whining and start making shit happen. I’m stepping off of my soapbox now. Thanks for listening.

The Quinsey Blog

Advice for the Thick-Skinned

2010-09-17T07:07:00.000-07:00

I’ve never understood the allure of advice columns. People anonymously posing questions to so-called “experts” with the hope that these experts can help lead them down the right path. And the experts in turn give advice that’s just generic and ambiguous enough to apply to the lives of all the people who read their column, not just the people posing questions. The whole thing seems pretty lame if you ask me. That being said I decided to try my hand at being an advice columnist. What follows is a recent column from “Dear Abby” (arguably the most famous advice column in existence) with her actual responses to (3) reader’s questions followed by my responses in italics. I think that you’ll find my advice to be neither generic nor ambiguous. I haven’t quite settled on a name for my column but I’m thinking “Advice for the Thick-Skinned” might be appropriate. Enjoy.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, son and I live next door to my in-laws. My mother-in-law, "Hazel," has a set of keys to our house for emergency purposes. For some time she has been using the key to come and go as she pleases, "borrowing" food, dishes and toiletries when we're not home. When we discover the items missing, she usually confesses.

I am really irritated about it and have frequent fights with my husband over this and other privacy issues. How can I talk to Hazel in a way that won't hurt her feelings? She is very sensitive, and I don't know how to confront her since my husband refuses to do so. -- MISSING MY PRIVACY IN SAN JOSE, CALIF.

DEAR MISSING: Try this: Take your mother-in-law to lunch and over a nice, leisurely meal say (slowly and quietly), "Hazel, honey, I have a problem I need your help with. (Breathe.) When you come into the house and take things without asking, it makes me feel violated. (Pause.) Do you think you could please refrain from doing that anymore? (Smile.) I'd really appreciate it."

And if any more items turn up missing, quietly change the locks.

DEAR MISSING: Here’s the deal. Your mother-in-law is clearly an evil woman and needs to be stopped. She doesn’t respect you or your belongings, and if your ball-less excuse for a husband refuses to stand up to “Mommy”, then you need to take matters into your own hands. Try this: Bake up a nice, big batch of her favorite dessert (“Hazel” sounds like a fat person’s name so I’m guessing she likes dessert). When you’re baking up the brownies, cookies, cakes, or whatever the bitch likes to eat most, add two large boxes of Ex-Lax to the recipe. After she’s ingested the Ex-Lax laden delicacies and subsequently emptied her bowels in a violent and painful manner, head over to her house for a little one-on-one time. Look her straight in the eyes and say: “Bitch, the next time you enter my house without asking I’m using poison instead of Ex-Lax.” I guarantee this will solve your problem immediately and she’ll never come over to your house again uninvited or otherwise. It might even get you a divorce from that spineless piece of shit you call a husband.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married soon and my father will be providing the alcohol for our reception. We plan to serve beer, wine and champagne for the toast. Because I will be wearing an ivory gown, I am opting to drink only champagne. I have a favorite brand, but because of our modest budget, Dad cannot provide it for everyone to drink.

I was going to buy a couple of bottles to have at our table for my wedding party, but Dad feels it would be in poor taste and thinks our guests may feel slighted in some way. My feeling is that it's our special day and people will understand. Am I wrong for wanting a nicer champagne than we can provide for our guests? -- BUBBLY BRIDE IN PISMO BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR BUBBLY: Let me put it this way -- if there is a chance that your guests would feel slighted if you get caught, then drink what they're drinking at the reception. Afterward, have a bottle of your preferred brand waiting in an ice bucket by your "wedding bed" so you can enjoy a special toast with your new husband.

DEAR BUBBLY: Go ahead and supply the wedding party with Dom Perignon and give the rest of your guests whatever cheap swill is on sale at Walmart. And while you’re at it why not serve Chateaubriand and lobster tails to the wedding party and give everyone else dog meat? Are you fucking serious? How selfish and self-centered are you, anyway? Maybe your guests should all give you crappy gifts with cards that read: “I would have bought you a nice gift but I couldn’t afford to get us both something nice so I decided to get something nice for myself and buy you this worthless piece of crap.” Note to Bubbly’s future husband – if you’re reading this get out while you still can – divorce is expensive and there’s no way you’ll end up staying married to this selfish bitch.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a high school freshman with a dilemma. I'm a good student and get A's in all my classes. I'm also an athlete. I play year-round softball and have started playing soccer for the high school team.
My problem is I took a debate class over the summer and really liked it. I want to join the debate team, but I am unsure if it would be piling too much on my plate for my first year.

I'll be carrying one honors class in addition to two above-grade-level classes. Debate practices are held after sports practices two days a week for one to two hours, so they wouldn't directly conflict with anything except homework time.
Do you think I'm overestimating how much I can handle in extracurricular activities this year? -- TOO AMBITIOUS? IN OREGON

DEAR TOO AMBITIOUS: The fact that this is causing you concern could be an indicator that it is too much. That's why before making up your mind you should discuss this with your parents as well as your guidance counselor at school.

DEAR TOO AMBITIOUS: Let me put it this way – who the fuck cares? You’re a freshman in high school so the things you choose to do in your life right now couldn’t matter any less. Experiment with recreational drugs, get an asshole boyfriend who makes you feel fat, and dream the big dreams that will inevitably be squashed out soon after you enter the festering, soul-crushing pit known as the real world. Trust me, any perceived “dilemmas” you’re facing now are nothing compared to the whoppers you’ll face in your twenties and thirties. Any other questions?

Blame It...

2010-09-14T15:30:00.000-07:00

Blame it (On The Alcohol)

Blame it on the goose
Got you feeling loose
Blame it on Patron
Got you in the zone
Blame it on the a a a a a alcohol
Blame it on the a a a a a a alcohol

Blame it on the vodka
Blame it on the henny
Blame it on the blue top
Got you feeling dizzy
Blame it on the a a a a a alcohol
Blame it on the a a a a a a alcohol

Every time I hear this damn song I can’t get it out of my head. Sometimes when nobody else is in the room I’ll even bust out my own white boy rendition of the song complete with dance moves (picture the fat kid on YouTube doing the light saber routine – yeah, I look just about that ridiculous). Thanks a lot Jamie Foxx and T-Pain (whoever the fuck you are). The last time I heard it however, it got me thinking. Sure - the song is literally about getting drunk, having random sex with strangers, and then blaming it on the booze (I was over-served damn it). But in a broader sense it can also be viewed as a figurative statement about today’s society as a whole. For at some point in time people stopped taking personal responsibility for their actions and started blaming others for their problems. Maybe it’s the down economy, maybe it’s the fabricated notion of the earth’s eroding atmosphere, or maybe it’s the fact that the world is coming to an abrupt end in just over 27 months (allegedly). Regardless of the cause of this ‘woe is me / I’m the victim’ movement, it’s really starting to piss me off. That being said I decided to have a little fun with the chorus and apply it to some other situations where people blame external sources for their own internal (self-generated) problems.

Version 1: Blame It (On The Government)

I ain’t got no job
I ain’t got no money
Healthcare’s too expensive
Man this shit ain’t funny
Blame it on the g g g g g government
Blame it on the g g g g g g government

Blame it on Barack
Blame it on Pelosi
Blame it on the Dems
But on the GOP mostly
Blame it on the g g g g g government
Blame it on the g g g g g g government

Version 2: Blame It (On The Mexicans)

Schools are over crowded
Wellfare system’s taxed
Everybody’s speakin Spanish
Como se dice this is wack
Blame it on the M M M M M Mexicans
Blame it on the M M M M M M Mexicans

Blame it on Juanita
Blame it on Jose
Don’t blame it on Cheech Marin
He was born in East LA
Blame it on the M M M M M Mexicans
Blame it on the M M M M M M Mexicans

Version 3: Blame It (On The Internet)

At my desk all day
Can’t get nothin done
Hard to pay my bills
Boss thinks I’m a bum
Blame it on the i i i i i internet
Blame it on the i i i i i i internet

Blame it on the Facebook
When my pay gets docked
Blame it on the porn sites
Unless that shit gets blocked
Blame it on the i i i i i internet
Blame it on the i i i i i i internet

Bet you didn't know I could rap. Word.

Ode to Las Vegas

2010-09-07T17:30:00.000-07:00

Las Vegas might very well be the most intriguing and entertaining city in the whole damn world. With opulent hotel rooms, five star restaurants, top shelf hookers (I’ve been told), and legalized gambling EVERYWHERE, what more could a weary traveler ask for? A place where people don’t judge you for drinking a martini at 8:00 in the morning or 3:00 in the afternoon or anytime in between? Done - hell in Vegas it’s actually encouraged. If Disneyland is the happiest place on earth (for kids) then Vegas is without a doubt the happiest place on earth for adults (ones who like to have fun anyway). That being said Vegas does have its low points. It’s way too fucking hot in the summer time, it’s become a popular hangout for the homeless and destitute, and it kind of smells like a mixture of stale beer and vomit if you wake up too early in the morning (before they’ve had a chance to spray down the sidewalks). In other words it’s a great place to visit but there’s no way in hell I’d ever want to live there. Note to offended residents of Las Vegas: I’m well aware that Vegas is much more than just “the strip” but that’s where I spend my time while I’m there so that’s what this post is about – chill out. What follows is my “Ode to Las Vegas”, inspired by my many trips there over the years starting back in college when I had way less wrinkles and gray hair and than I do now, and when Vegas was way smaller and less occupied than it is now. Enjoy.

Ah Vegas my dark mistress of the night

You sprout up from the desert like a beacon of light

Our affair started off almost 20 years ago

I was young and naive and you stole all my dough

Undeterred by my losses I would come back for more

I was hooked and determined to settle the score

A couple more trips and I soon figured out

You’re about so much more than financial clout

Your slots may be tight but your women are loose

Inhibitions gone wild with the Bombays and juice

While beating the house is no easy feat

Your strippers are affable your hookers discrete

Your food was once crap but is now quite chichi

Cooked in restaurants by chefs who appear on TV

Your hotels are palatial your casinos prolific

I’m hardly ever compelled to tell your dealers to stick it

With so much to offer it’s hard to complain

But your cigarette smoke it drives me insane

So do your old people with their oxygen tanks

And your mesh wearing hillbillies with their overweight skanks

And your Mexican dudes who hand out the porn fodder

And your bums on the bridges selling bottles of water

I digress just a bit but my point don't belie

You’re clearly not perfect and neither am I

But when I want to unleash and forget about life

Leave my problems behind with my everyday strife

There are very few places that I’d rather go

Than Las Vegas, Nevada, my friend and my foe

So though I may curse you and puke on your streets

Hassle your residents and piss in your sheets

The things that I do are done with adoration

For you and your bounty of lust and damnation

Until next time Vegas… I love you.

Sometimes a picture says it all

2010-08-28T23:59:00.000-07:00